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    Life In Plastic, It’s Fantastic

    | Texas, USA | Bizarre

    Customer: “I need help, anyone!”

    Me: *rushing over* “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

    Customer: “That TV is showing bad things!”

    (The TV in question is playing movie trailers on loop.)

    Me: “Which trailer did you find offensive?”

    Customer: “The one with the girl that is saying the girl is perfect! Nobody’s perfect!”

    (At that moment, a trailer for a new Barbie movie comes on.)

    Customer: *screaming* “That’s the bad movie!”

    Supermarket, The Musical

    | Gainesville, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Musical Mayhem

    (It has been a quiet morning but the store has been filling up and it is very loud. My ears haven’t quite adjusted yet.)

    Me: “Hi, how are you?”

    (I begin scanning and bagging her items.)

    Customer: *mumbling*

    Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

    (The customer mumbles, and then begins singing something unintelligible. We play music in the store, so I thought she was singing along.)

    Customer: *gradually increasing in volume* “No bag…no bag…NO bag…NO BAG!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, are you singing, ‘No bag’?”

    Customer: “Well, I told you a couple of times, but you went ahead and started bagging, so I decided to sing it!”

    Try Not To Catch A Code

    | Claremont, NH, USA | Technology

    Me: “Hi, this is [computer repair]. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: “Hi, I think there’s a problem with my computer. I was online and lots of windows starting popping up. Then, it locked up and I couldn’t do anything.”

    Me: “That sounds like it has a virus. Just don’t touch it. Bring it in, and we’ll take a look at it, okay?”

    Customer: “Oh no! I’ll be down shortly.”

    (About thirty minutes later, a woman comes in with a disgusted and terrified look on her face. She is carrying her computer in a black trash bag.)

    Customer: *hands me bag with outstretched hands* “Here, take it!”

    Me: “Why is it in a black trash bag?”

    Customer: “I didn’t want to catch the virus!”

    My Daddy Pays For Necessities

    | Blacksburg, VA, USA | At The Checkout

    (Two girls are walking up to my register with a large quantity of beer.)

    Girl #1: “I know it sucks, but you have to remember that we have to live in the real world now.”

    Girl #2: “I know. I think I might hate the real world.”

    (I check their IDs and tell them the total. The girl paying hands me her college charge card.)

    Me: “You do realize that in the real world, your parents don’t buy your alcohol, right?”

    C Is For Coffee, Cigarettes, And Cluelessness

    | California, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, what’s that sign over your coffee brewer thing?”

    Me: “The one that says Proposition 65?”

    Customer: *squinting* “Yeah. It says something about cancer?”

    Me: “We’re required to let you know that our coffee and coffee products contain chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer and reproductive harm. You really don’t need to worry about it; you’d have to consume a lot of coffee before it took any effect.”

    Customer: “That has to be illegal! I’m never coming here again until you take the cancer out of your coffee!” *storms out of the store*

    (Later on, when I finish my shift and go outside, I see the same customer. She’s drinking a blended iced coffee from our competition across the street and smoking a cigarette while complaining to someone on the phone about how our store puts cancer in our drinks.)


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