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    We Can Either Do This The Long Way Or The Long Way

    | Albury, Australia | Money

    (A passenger hails my taxi outside a bar.)

    Me: “Good evening, sir. Where would you like to go?”

    Passenger: “Take me to [other bar, about a $10 fare], and make sure you go the shortest way! Don’t be taking the long way around to get more money!”

    Me: “Of course, I was going to go my usual way, which is the shortest and cheapest. Is that okay?”

    Passenger: “No! That’s the long way! Take me this way.”

    (The passenger proceeds to guide me on an angled course that adds at least 40% to the trip.)

    Passenger: “Now, that’s the way you go! I’ve got you taxi drivers all figured out. You always try to go that other way, but mine is better!”

    The Lesser Of Two Intergalactic Evils

    | Virginia, USA |

    (An elderly man dressed like a hippie is looking through our PS2 section.)

    Customer: “Now, this game has the right idea.” *gestures to a copy of ‘Destroy All Humans’* “Humanity is what’s killing mother Earth. The world would be so much better if we just got rid of them all.”

    Me: “Um, sir, do you really think a race whose primary weapon is an anal probe gun would really do any better?”

    Customer: *thinks it over* “No, I suppose you’re right.” *sadly puts the game back and walks away*

    Fax Me Up, Scotty

    | California, USA | Technology

    Facsimile, Not Facsteleporty

    (A middle aged woman rushes in and hands me a sheet of paper.)

    Customer: “Can you fax this page to [number] for me?”

    Me: “No problem!”

    Customer: “I’m just going to run next door for a coffee and be right back.”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (The customer returns after 10 minutes.)

    Customer: “You didn’t fax it yet?!”

    Me: “Yes, I did actually. It went through fine.”

    Customer: “No, you didn’t! I can see my paper laying right there!”

    Why You Always Bring Your Own Dinnerware

    | Graham, NC, USA | Rude & Risque

    (An elderly lady approaches the counter.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I need some dish bags.”

    (Unaware of what dish bags are, I assume she means dish rags.)

    Me: “I’m not sure what that is and if we carry it. I would look in the cleaning section.”

    Customer: “Well, my doctor said I could get it here.”

    Me: “Okay, well I would check that aisle.”

    (The customer leaves and returns after a couple minutes.)

    Customer: “I didn’t find them!”

    Me: “Can you tell me again what it is you need?”

    Customer: “Dish bags.”

    Me: “And you say your doctor told you to get them here?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry. I’ve never heard of dish bags and I don’t believe I’ve seen anything like that here.”

    Customer: “Well, this is ridiculous! What am I going to do?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, would you like me to ask our pharmacist about them?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    (I go get the pharmacist to assist me.)

    Pharmacist: “So, what is a dish bag used for?”

    Customer: “Jeeze! You clean your lady parts with it!”

    Don’t Fool Around With Daycare

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Family & Kids

    Caller: “Hey, you take care of kids?”

    Me: “Yes. What ages and times are you needing?”

    Caller: “Well, I got six kids and I need them outta here while I do my thang.”

    Me: “Your ‘thang’?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I can’t get my mack on with all them d*** kids runnin’ around. So, could you take them from like…8pm to 3 or 4am?”

    Me: “I don’t do overnight care, sir. I’m sorry.”

    Caller: “That’s okay. By the way, are you married?”

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