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    Better Than Swimming With The Fishes

    | New York, USA | Language & Words

    (Like any grocery store, we have different departments, including seafood. I work in the customer service department. Even though the phone system gives you options of different departments to connect you to them, many customers will just choose our number because it’s one of the first suggested.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store], this is [name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Uh, hello, yes! I would like to speak with the fishes!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, the fishes?”

    Customer: “Yes! The fishes!”

    Me: “You mean the seafood department?”

    Customer: “Yes! The fishes!”

    (Don’t) Remember The Alamo

    | Colorado, USA | History

    Customer: *walks up to ticket booth* “What is The Alamo about?

    Employee: “The Alamo, ma’am. It’s the mission building the Texans had to protect when the Mexican army invaded during the Battle of the Alamo.”

    Customer: “Oh my gosh! We’re at war with Mexico?!”

    Satisfaction Level: Impossible

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Top

    (I am the manager on duty on a Sunday afternoon when I receive a phone call from an upset lady.)

    Caller: “I need to complain about my car I had there on Friday night before you closed. They didn’t fix my car!”

    Me: “Did they say why not?”

    Caller: “They made up something about not having a part, but I know it was because they were lazy and didn’t want to fix it!”

    Me: “Well, that’s a bit unusual. My guys get paid on commission and want to do every job possible so they can make more money.”

    Caller: “No! They were just being lazy! I had to take my car to the dealership on Monday and they were able to fix it right away!”

    Me: “Ma’am, the dealership carries all of those parts. That’s where we get our parts from if we can’t get them from any other source. If it was late on a Friday night, the dealership was probably already closed.”

    Caller: “Bull****! I am VERY upset about your poor service! I thought you were the manager! I want to know what you are going to do for me about this!”

    Me: “I’m sorry we weren’t able to help you to your satisfaction, ma’am. I can’t give you a refund because we didn’t charge you anything. I’d offer to fix the car at a discount, but you say it’s already been fixed. What is it you would like for me to do for you, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Well, you know what you’re supposed to do in these cases!”

    Me: “Well, normally I’d offer a discount or a refund, but neither of those would help you. Is there anything else I can offer you? I am sorry for your inconvenience.”

    Caller: “I don’t want your stupid apology! I can’t believe you are refusing to help me!”

    Me: “I’m not refusing, Ma’am. I just don’t know what it is you want.”

    Caller: “You know what I want!! I want you to do what you’re supposed to!”

    Me: “And what is that?”

    Caller: “You know what you’re supposed to do! I’m going to call your corporate office and have you fired!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you don’t tell me what it is you want, I don’t know what to do for you.”

    Caller: “Don’t give me that! I’m going to have you fired!” *hangs up*

    The Customer Is Always Right, Even When It’s Left

    | Melbourne, Australia | Geography

    (I am an usher ripping tickets at the podium and directing customers to their cinema.)

    Me: “You’re in cinema number four. It’s up the stairs to your left.”

    Patron: “Which way?”

    Me: “Left, and then go up the stairs.”

    Patron: “Which way’s left?”

    Me: “That way.” *points*

    Patron: “Great, thanks!”

    It’s A Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid World

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Technology

    (I work in one of Australia’s most popular consumer electronics companies. One day, I have an older lady of about 70 years come in to return a digital radio.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. Can I point you in the right direction?”

    Customer: “No, I’m here to return this radio. The world has gone stupid!”

    Me: “How do you mean?”

    Customer: “I turn the thing on and it says ‘scan channels’! I don’t get any sound!”

    Me: “Did you press the scan button?”

    Customer: “No. Why would I do something stupid like that?”

    Me: “It’s how you get the channels, ma’am. You scan the stations and then just press the ‘next’ button to find what you’re after.”

    Customer: “The world has gone stupid! I’m an educated lady! Why does everything have to be so difficult?”

    Me: “Did you read the manual, ma’am?”

    Customer: “It’s a f***ing radio! I shouldn’t have to read any manuals.”

    (I show the customer exactly what is needed to be done.)

    Customer: “I’m an educated old lady! I shouldn’t have to learn anything new! The world has gone stupid! You’re all a bunch of morons! The world is supposed to be getting easier!”

    Me: “And how is pressing two buttons so difficult, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Well, how do I tune it then?”

    Me: “As I just showed you ma’am, you press this button.” *points to “scan”* “Then, this button.” *points to “next”* “Keep pressing it until you find the station you want. It’s simple.”

    Customer: “The world is stupid! Things are meant to be getting easier, not harder!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what would you like me to do about it?”

    Customer: “I want a digital radio that works like the old style transistor.”

    Me: “We don’t have those, sorry.”

    Customer: “You do! I saw them there when I bought this piece of garbage.”

    Me: “These ones? These are analogue, not digital.”

    Customer: “How is that my problem?”

    Me: “You can’t pick up the digital channels with these.”

    Customer: “And?”

    Me: “You bought this one because you wanted the digital channels, yes?”

    Customer: “I would have thought that obvious!”

    Me: “Analogue won’t pick up digital. It also isn’t as clear.”

    Customer: “The world has gone stupid! An educated woman like me shouldn’t have to learn anything new!”

    Next customer in line: “Have you ever thought you’re the stupid one lady? Its two f***ing buttons! I’m older than you and I can use one!”

    (She continues to mutter about the world and its stupidity while leaving the store after insisting on a refund.)

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