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    Takes One To Joe One

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Food & Drink

    (I’m a cashier at a coffee chain. Our location is popular so the line is usually long. I overhear the following conversation between two customers.)

    Customer #1: “Why is the line in this place always so long?! I’ll never understand it!”

    Customer #2: “Well, sir, do you like coffee?”

    Customer #1: “Of course! Why else would I be here?”

    Customer #2: “Well, could it be possible that there are other people who like coffee as well?”

    Customer #1: “Oh. Right.”

    If Hugs Could Kill

    | Drexel Hill, PA, USA | Health & Body

    Me: “Hey, how you doing?”

    Customer: “Not too good. My favorite aunt is dying and I have to go to the hospital.”

    Me: “That’s too bad. I’m sorry to hear that.”

    Customer: “Thanks. I’m gonna go there and hug her and kiss her to death.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “You know what I mean.”

    Putting A Lid On That Temper

    | Texas, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “Hi, how are you doing today?”

    Customer: “Hey, you. Um…you got any corn dogs?”

    Me: “I’m sorry we don’t.”

    Customer: “Okay, do you have any pistachio ice cream?”

    (We’re standing right at the ice cream bar and have all the selections on display.)

    Me: “No, sir, we don’t. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “Son of a b****! Well, do you at least have a large chocolate shake?! You have that, right?!”

    Me: “Yes, sir. Let me make that for you.”

    (I head to do this while my coworker takes the rest of his order, which is a triple dip ice cream in a cup. I come back to ring him up and notice that he’s not happy.)

    Me: “All right, that will be [price].”

    Customer: “I wanted that to go!” *points at the ice cream in the cup*

    Me: “Yes, sir, it’s in a cup. You can take it to go.”

    Customer: “You’re telling me that you’d drive with that in your car without a lid?! How stupid are you?!”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I would. I can get you a lid if you want.”

    Customer: “Well what did you think I meant by to go?!”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    (I get him a lid and force the ice cream to fit.)

    Customer: “Well, I hope you learned something from this!” *storms off*

    Aging Is A Zero Sum Game

    | Quebec City, Quebec, Canada | Extra Stupid

    (Our store has an aisle with toys as well as celebration stuff for birthdays, including candles for birthday cakes. I am filling up this aisle when a lady in her late 50′s comes up to me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you carry candles that are numbers?”

    Me: “Yes, let me show you.”

    (I show her the candles we have, from 0 to 9.)

    Customer: “Oh, they don’t carry 55. My husband is going to be 55.”

    (I think she’s joking, and laugh a little.)

    Me: “Well, you can just buy two 5′s, and that’ll make 55.”

    Customer: *disgusted* “I don’t know why they hired you!” *leaves without buying anything*

    Bootleg Me Some Common Sense

    | Jacksonville, FL, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    (Note: this takes place before either of these films are available on DVD or Blu-ray.)

    Customer: “I’d like a copy of Transformers 3 and Hangover 2.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but those films are still in the theaters and won’t be out in stores until after the summer.”

    Customer: “No, I just saw them for sale at the flea market.”

    Me: “Those would be bootleg copies. They’re not very good quality.”

    Customer: “That’s fine. Just give me those.”

    Me: “We don’t sell bootlegs here.”

    Customer: “That’s ridiculous. You should sell whatever the customer wants!”

    Me: “Bootlegs are illegal and we can’t carry them.”

    Customer: “That isn’t very good service! I’m going to speak to your manager.”

    Me: “That’s fine; you can ask for him at the service desk.”

    Customer: “I hope he fires you for being incompetent.”

    Me: “Well, thank you for shopping at [store] and have a nice day.”

    Customer: “Jacka**!”

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