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    Sorry, We’re Closed

    Paging Insecurity

    | Oakland County, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Theme Of The Month

    (I am a customer in this pharmacy store late at night. As I walk up to the counter, a male customer is loudly complaining to a male cashier about ‘the gays.’ Being a lesbian, I’m gathering up the courage to say something when the following happens.)

    Male Customer: “The gays keep trying to turn everyone!”

    Male Cashier: “It must be rough.”

    Male Customer: “How do you mean?”

    Male Cashier: “I have a handful of gay friends, and no matter how much time I’ve spent with them, I’ve never wanted to have sex with other dudes. I’m just saying it must be rough to have such a tenuous hold on your sexuality that you’re always worried about being turned by the slightest contact. I feel for you.”

    (It takes a moment, but the male customer realizes what the male cashier is saying.)

    Male Customer: “…Hey, f*** you, buddy!”

    Male Cashier: “You want to f*** me? Oh god, it’s happening now! There must be a gay in the store! Run!”

    Customer: *screaming* “Go to h***!”

    (The customer then runs out of the store. As I put my stuff up on the counter, the manager runs up from one of the aisles.)

    Manager: “What the h*** was that?”

    Cashier: “Oh, I’m probably just getting a customer complaint in the morning. Totally worth it… I’ll explain later.” *to me* “Sorry about all that. How are you tonight?”

    Me: “If I was straight, I would totally be giving you my number right now.”

    TV Isn’t The Only Thing Un-tuned

    | FL, USA | Bad Behavior, Holidays, Musical Mayhem, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “Welcome to tech support. How can I help?”

    (A very drunk man speaks, very slowly.)

    Man: “They were supposed to come fix it between 1 and 2 today, and never came.”

    (It’s nearly 4 pm, and while we don’t do those kind of time windows, sometimes someone gives incorrect information. So, I ask for his account information, during which I find out that he is having issues with his TV service, which is not with us.)

    Me: “Sir, who is your television service with?”

    Man: “I. Don’t. Know.”

    Me: “Do you have a bill from them?”

    Man: “I. Don’t. Know.”

    Me: “Well, who did you call for the service repair?”

    Man: “I. Don’t. Know.”

    (He then starts drunken rambling about his TV not working, and no one showing up between 1 and 2 pm. He then says the company name in the middle of the ramble!)

    Me: “Sir, your TV service, is it with [company]?”

    Man: “Yes, they were supposed to come fix my TV today between 1 and 2!”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but you called your phone and internet company, not your cable company.”

    Man: “Oh, can you transfer me to them?”

    Me: “No, you’ll need to call them.”

    Man: “I don’t know their number.”

    Me: “Sir, look in your phone book.”

    Man: “I. Can’t. Find. One.”

    Me: “Then call 411.”

    Man: “That costs money!”

    (We loop around this for a while. I can see he calls us all the time to make us look up phone numbers for him, which the company doesn’t like. Finally it ends with him accepting this.)

    Man: “In case I don’t talk to you again this season… Have a holly, jolly Christmas / It’s the best time of the year…

    (He proceeds to sing, in drunken off key slur, the entire song of ‘have a holly jolly Christmas’. My company doesn’t allow us to disconnect calls, for any reason, so I had to listen to the whole thing!)

    Paging Charlotte On Aisle 5

    | NJ, USA | Pets & Animals, Wild & Unruly

    (I am at the cashier, ringing up a long line of people. I notice when customers walk in, they suddenly skirt around the theft detectors. A lady approaches the counter.)

    Lady: “There is a big spider in the entrance!”

    (Note: I don’t want to leave the counter because of the enormous line.)

    Me: “Okay, cool.”

    Lady: “You have to kill it. You work here.”

    Me: “It’s not hurting anyone.”

    (The lady’s husband chimes in.)

    Husband: “Kill it, she’s right!”

    (Everyone in the line seems to agree with the lady and her husband.)

    Me: “Okay, I’ll just move it outside.”

    Husband: “No, kill it!”

    Me: “No, it wont do any harm out there in the parking lot.”

    (I move the spider outside.)

    Lady: “I can’t take it anymore!”

    Me: “Can’t take what?”

    (Suddenly, the lady grabs a basket made for carrying products outside and finds the spider. She starts violently smashing the red basket on the spider.)

    Lady: “Why is it not dying?!”

    (It turns out the basket has little legs on the bottom, preventing it from making contact with the spider. She eventually figures this out and kills it, but not before it charges her one last time and causes her to flip out!)

    Gotta Catch Them All Ages, Part 2

    | Bloomington, IN, USA | Extra Stupid, Religion

    (A customer in her sixties comes in to buy a ticket. She’s wearing a sweatshirt that has the Pokémon Magikarp saying, ‘I swear to God, when I evolve, I’m going to kill you all.’)

    Me: “Do you like Pokémon?”

    Customer: *offended* “Pokémon?! No! Why?”

    Me: “Well, that’s a Pokémon on your sweatshirt. It’s an awful one, but it evolves into one that’s totally awesome!”

    Customer: “This is a Pokémon? I thought this was a statement about atheism!”

    Related:
    Gotta Catch Them All Ages

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