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    Intelligence May Be Of Equal Or Lesser Value

    | Sydney, Australia | At The Checkout

    (My store is going through a buy two, get the third free sale. A customer comes up with only two items.)

    Me: “Hi. Just these ones today?”

    Customer: “Yes, thanks.”

    Me: “Did you want to grab another item of equal or lesser value for free?”

    Customer: “How much will it cost?”

    Me: “Nothing…it’s free.”

    Customer: “What’s the catch?”

    Me: “It’s of equal or lesser value of the items you have here.”

    Customer: “So, how much extra do I have to pay for it?”

    Me: “Nothing. It’s free.”

    Customer: “No. There’s a catch, isn’t there? You people are always trying to sell me more stuff with some sort of catch behind it. I will probably end up paying more for it or something.”

    Me: “No, it’s free, meaning you will pay no extra. You get it for nothing.”

    Customer: “No! I refuse to give into your gimmicks.”

    (The customer pays for two items and walks out of the store. She returns the next day.)

    Customer: “Yes, I came in yesterday and wasn’t aware of the sale you had going on for buy two, get the third free!”

    The Fine Wine Between Pleasure And Pain

    | Tallahassee, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Me: “Thank you for calling Pain Management of Hamilton County. This is Pat, are you a new or existing patient?”

    Caller: “This isn’t Branchville Winery?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. This is Pain Management of Hamilton County.”

    Caller: “I guess I’m looking for a different kind of pain management…”

    Size Matters, Part 5

    | Destin, FL, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I work at the photo counter of a major retailer. This happens almost everyday.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I was wondering how big is an 8 x 10 photo?”

    Me: *holding up fingers to approximate size* “About this big.”

    Customer: “So, how big is that?”

    Me: “It’s 8 inches by 10 inches.”

    Customer: “So, will that fit in a 4 x 6 frame?”

    Related:
    Size Matters, Part 4
    Size Matters, Part 3
    Size Matters, Part 2
    Size Matters

    A Dose By Any Other Name

    | Belize | Health & Body

    Customer: “Hey, I want some Tylenol.”

    Me: “For children or for adults?”

    Customer: “For adults.”

    Me: “At the moment, we only have the generic kind available. You know, paracetamol, also known as acetaminophen?”

    Customer: “No! I don’t want any acetaminophen! Give me the other one!”

    Me: “Ma’am, they are the same thing, just different names for the same ingredient.”

    Customer: “Well, I just want the first one you named. Just don’t give me the other one.”

    Sender To Return

    | Denver, CO, USA | Extra Stupid

    (A customer comes in and presents me with a package. I immediately note that he has the delivery address in the place of the return address, by standard postal conventions.)

    Customer: “I sent this package from here last week, and it came back to me.”

    Me: “Sir, you have your addresses in the wrong places.”

    Customer: “Why does it matter? Can’t the post office hire people who can read?”

    Me: “They can read just fine, sir. However, they do try to move quickly to get your mail out on time, so they look at the second address.”

    Customer: “That just means they’re stupid and they need to learn how to read. No wonder the post office is going out of business!”

    Me: “Sir, standard postal addressing conventions have the return address on top, and the delivery address on the bottom, and this is what postal employees expect to see. You have your ‘To’ and ‘From’ backwards.”

    Customer: “Oh, so now this is all my fault? They deliver it wrong and you tell me it’s my fault? I hope you don’t expect to keep business that way. I won’t be coming back. I’m going to UPS.”

    Me: “Have a good day, sir!”

    Next customer: *having witnessed entire exchange* “UPS is going to send it back to his house too!”

    Me: *nods*

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