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    Sure Thing, Sweet Cheeks

    | Ontario, Canada | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (We have international newspapers that we keep behind us at the till. Also, I’m female. I’ve just finished ringing up some British newspapers for a customer.)

    Me: “Have a brilliant day.”

    Customer: “Can I take a look at your rack?”

    (This not only catches me off guard, but all the staff and customers within earshot, who turn and look at us.)

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “I just want to see what else you’ve got to offer.”

    (Everybody is still staring.)

    Customer: *realizing what he’s said* “Oh! Your newspaper rack.”

    Disturbingly Dense

    | MA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I’m working the day shift at a hotel. One day, I get a page from the front desk.)

    Coworker: “This is going to seem like a weird request.”

    Me: “Okay, what’s up?”

    Coworker: “Well, the lady in room [#] needs you to show her how to use the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign.”

    Me: “You’re kidding, right?”

    Coworker: *laughs* “I’m afraid not.”

    (I go to the guest’s room and knock on her door. A lady in her 50s comes to the door holding a little cardboard ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign.)

    Guest: “How do I work this?”

    (I take the sign and put it on the door handle.)

    Guest: “Oh, so that’s how that thing works!”

    They Don’t Call It Pain-em For Nothing

    | New York, NY, USA | Language & Words

    (I work as a volunteer at our small public library, usually at the front desk, helping patrons and checking out their books.)

    Woman: *approaching desk* “Do you have…Hunger Pains?”

    Me: “Sorry, what?”

    Woman: “I think it’s called Hunger…Pains?

    Me: “Oh, The Hunger Games? It’s very popular right now.”

    Woman: “Oh, right. My son told me the name. I knew I was going to get it wrong!”

    Customers Can Be Real Spoil-Shorts

    | Louisville, KY, USA |

    (I’m about 5′ tall. A customer and her husband are debating about sitting at a tall table or a regular table. Finally, they decide on a regular table.)

    Me: “Hey, guys! So you decided on this one?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just don’t like the tall tables. It’s weird when my feet don’t touch the ground.”

    Me: “I definitely understand that. Sometimes I like the tall tables just because it’s the only time I get to be tall.”

    Customer: “Hey, yeah! You’re kind of a shrimp, aren’t you?”

    Me: “Yeah, I guess.”

    Customer: “No, but really. You’re really short!”

    Don’t Have A Latte Faith In Self-Espression

    | Virginia, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (A customer comes in around 5:00 and orders a triple shot of espresso. I start to make it for him as he watches me the whole time.)

    Me: *handing him cup* “Here you go sir, your triple shot of espresso!”

    Customer: “This is a triple shot of espresso?” *looks down at cup*

    Me: “Yes, sir, it’s three shots of espresso.”

    Customer: “Oh, so what do I put in it?”

    Me: *slightly confused as to what he is asking* “That depends entirely on your preference, sir. We have creamers, milk, sugar, and add ins on the table behind you.”

    Customer: “So, I should put that stuff in?”

    Me: “Only if you want to.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    (He proceeds to go to table and add everything on the table to the triple shot. Several minutes later, the customer comes in with the drink which is filled to the brim with milk/cream.)

    Customer: “You served me earlier and this isn’t a triple shot.”

    Me: “I remember you, sir, and it is. I handed you the triple shot.”

    Customer: “Yes, but I don’t want cream or milk in it. I need you to make it again.”

    Me: “Uh, sir, I’ll have to charge you again for the additional triple shot.”

    Customer: “I don’t think you understand. This drink is wrong! I don’t want milk in it!”

    Me: “I do understand, sir, but you put in the milk yourself.”

    Customer: “You said to put in the milk!”

    Me: “No, sir, I said it was down to your preference. How about you explain to me what you want in the triple espresso and I’ll give you a 10% discount?”

    Customer: “Fine, I want espresso and a little sugar.”

    Me: “All right, sir.”

    (I charge him and begin to make the drink again. This time just adding a little simple syrup, hand him drink.)

    Me: “Here’s your triple espresso!”

    Customer: *looks at drink, then to drink counter* “So, should I put milk in?”

    Me: “Do you want milk?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Then, no.”

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