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    Not Sorry I Missed You

    Not Suitable For Spanish Fly

    | New York, NY, USA | Language & Words, Liars & Scammers, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (Two customers, one male, one female, with notable Spanish accents approach. While I’m Caucasian, I’m quite fluent in Spanish.)

    Male Customer: “Yes, we’d like to return this coffee maker. It doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Certainly. May I see your receipt?”

    (The male customer looks slightly taken aback.)

    Male Customer: “Oh, uh, we threw that away.”

    Me: “Ah, well I’m sorry but the only thing we can do then is give you a store credit.”

    Male Customer: “Oh, that’s fine. We’ll find something else.”

    Me: “Superb. Just let me check inside and we’ll take care of this.”

    (I proceed to open the box.)

    Male Customer: “Que? What are you doing?”

    Me: “I have to check the product, sir. It’ll only take a moment.”

    (The male customer looks increasingly taken aback, and I quickly find out why. While the coffee maker is a model we carry, it has a different brand name printed on it, and the plug is visibly a three prong European version, as opposed to the two prong U.S. version.)

    Me: “Sir, are you sure you purchased this in this store?”

    Male Customer: “Yes, certain!”

    Me: “I’m afraid I’m going to have to get my manager. Just a moment.”

    (I page the manager on duty, explain what’s happening and then show him the coffee maker.)

    Manager: “Sir, I’m sorry but we’re not going to be able to credit you for this. You can’t possibly have purchased this here because this is the international version of the machine. We only sell the U.S. version.”

    Male Customer: *sputters, then hangs his head* “Sorry, I must have made a mistake.”

    (He takes the box back and turns to leave, whereupon the female customer whacks him upside the head.)

    Female Customer: *in Spanish* “Oh, no! ‘Americans are all idiots!’ ‘They won’t check if it’s the right item!’ ‘They don’t know about international voltage!’ You are a f***ing disgrace, you know that!? No way is that going back in my luggage for the flight home!”

    It’s Going To Be A Bonus Year

    | NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s New Year’s Eve, and I’m a customer in the supermarket waiting in the line for self-checkout. This supermarket has a bonus card, but you have to scan it AFTER you scan all your items. A customer is at the self-check in front of me, buying milk and pretzels. The lines are really long, and the self-check attendant is helping someone else.)

    Customer: “Why doesn’t this work!?” *waves her bonus card all over the scanner*

    Me: “You have to scan your groceries first, hit ‘Finish’ and ‘Pay’, and then it’ll ask for the bonus card.”

    Customer: “It’s not working!” *keeps waving card*

    Me: “That’s because you have to scan your groceries first.”

    (She scans her items, then starts jabbing the ‘Help Needed’ button immediately.)

    Customer: “See, the pretzels are supposed to be only $2, and it’s ringing up $4! This is wrong!”

    Me: “You haven’t scanned your bonus card yet. You need to hit ‘Finish’ and ‘Pay’ first, then scan the card, and it’ll take the money off.”

    Customer: “Do you even know how to use this?!”

    (I lean over, hit ‘Finish’ and ‘Pay’, and then the kiosk says ‘please scan your bonus card’. She does, and the discount applies.)

    Me: “See, $2 for pretzels.”

    Kiosk: “Please take your receipt.”

    Customer: “Now where’s my receipt? Stupid machine!” *stares in the wrong place*

    Me: *points* “Your receipt prints up there.”

    (The customer glares at me, grabs her receipt and storms off to the bagging area, where she stares menacingly at me while she’s bagging her items and putting her change away. To add insult to injury, she puts her purse in the bagging area so I can’t start scanning my items.)

    Customer: *finally leaves without saying thanks*

    Me: “You’re welcome! Happy New Year to you, too!”

    A Smoking Debate

    | IN, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Underaged

    (We card everyone who looks under 40 for cigarettes and alcohol. A customer comes up, who looks to be about mid-20s.)

    Me: “Hi ma’am! How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I need a pack of [brand].”

    (I grab the cigarettes, and keep them next to me on the counter.)

    Me: “Alright, I need to see your ID, please.”

    Customer: “What the f***?! Just give me the d*** cigarettes. I’m over 18.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t sell you them without seeing your ID.”

    Customer: “Just give me the cigarettes. I’m in a hurry.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; I can lose my job or worse if I don’t ID you. Please… we can get through this much quicker if you give me your ID.”

    Customer: “F*** you, you b****! I want my cigarettes! I come in here all the time and have never been carded before! I demand to speak your manager!”

    (I call my manager up to the front. He’s not much older than I am, and Hispanic.)

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “This stupid b****, who probably isn’t even old enough to sell cigarettes, won’t give me mine!”

    Manager: *to me* “What does she mean?”

    Me: “I asked for her ID since she looks under 40, and she refused. So, I tried to tell her—”

    Customer: “You lying b****! You never asked for my ID!”

    Me: “I asked for it several times, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I want my cigarettes for free!”

    Manager: “I can’t do that ma’am, and I’m almost positive she asked for your ID.”

    Customer: “F*** you, you f***ing immigrant! I come in here all the time!”

    (She continues like this for a while. My manager and I are both completely stunned.)

    Manager: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

    Customer: “You can’t make me!”

    (She starts screaming and shaking the register. Panicked, I call the police. While waiting for them she starts to go around the store knocking things off shelves. As soon as the sirens are in the distance, she runs out of the store. Thankfully after my manager and I deal with the police report, he gave paid vacation time.)

    Hit A Wall With This Caller

    | WA, USA | Technology, Wild & Unruly

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cellphone company]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My cell phone isn’t powering on.”

    Me: “Well, let’s see what’s going on with that.”

    (After troubleshooting the problem turns out to be a warranty issue. Unfortunately, the customer’s warranty has run out.)

    Customer: “Well, is there anything I can do? Don’t I have insurance on my phone?”

    Me: “Yes you do, but the insurance only covers physical damage or a lost or stolen phone.”

    (Suddenly, I hear a load crash over the phone.)

    Me: “What was that?!”

    Customer: “There I was, just minding my own business, when suddenly my wall tried to attack me! My phone, knowing it was about to die, heroically jumped in front of me taking the full force of the wall’s assault. Sadly, it has now broken in half.”

    Me: “Well! Let me get you over to our insurance department while you prepare a Viking funeral for our brave hero!”

    Customer: “Do I actually need to burn it?”

    Me: “No, but it will drive the insurance people crazy!”

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