(I am a hostess at a rather upscale restaurant. A couple walks in and the man has a particularly impressive handlebar mustache. I usually chat with guests while I’m seating them.)
Me: “So, [server] is your server tonight. She’ll be taking great care of you.”
Customer: “Can [server] give us a good discount?”
Me: *laughing* “I’m sure if you take it up with her she’ll consider it. You might want to twist that ‘stache in a debonair fashion to convince her.”
Customer: “I can offer a mustache ride.”
Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”
Girlfriend: “Thank you.”
(A man in his mid-30′s approaches the register. I notice that he looks a little grumpy about something.)
(It is at this point that I notice that he only has two items to ring up: a 20oz bottle of soda and an enema.)
Me: “How are you today?”
Customer: “I’m holding an enema, what do you think?!”
(I ring him up silently. Poor guy, I hope he feels better!)
Customer: “How do I get these orchids to bloom again, once the current flowers fall of? ”
Me: “If you have more than one orchid, they will cross-pollinate, or ‘mate’, with each other, and they should bloom again.”
Customer: “Mate? I should record that on my computer and put it on the internet!”
(I laugh, thinking he’s kidding. He’s not. He stares at me blankly for a moment before speaking again.)
Customer: “I’m going to pick out the hottest orchids!”
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(This conversation takes place as I approach a table where a woman is sitting with a menu across from her.)
Me: “Hi, how’re you doing?”
Customer: “We’ll take two water lemons. No, watermelons! No, wait, lemon waters!”
Me: *struggling not to laugh* “Alright, ma’am, I’ll be right back with two lemon waters.”