Me: “Thank you for calling guest relations. This is ******* speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. One of your hotels stole something from me and I would like you to return that item to me or I will sue you.”

Me: “We will certainly conduct an investigation. What property was it left at?”

Customer: “The Holiday Inn.”

Me: “Ok…what city and state?”

Customer: “The Holiday Inn!!!!”

Me: “I understand which brand name…can you please tell me the location of the property?”

Customer: “It’s on Bradford.”

Me: “Ok, and what city and state is that in?”

Customer: “By the ocean.”

Me: “Ok….which city and state?”

Customer: “Florida. It’s not my job to tell you where it’s located…”

Me: “Well, as I’m sure you can appreciate, we have over 3,000 properties in the US alone. So I will need you tell me which City in Florida this is located…”

(Customer provides name of city.)

Me: “Ok great. And this is the Holiday Inn on Bradford, correct? So what is missing?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “You don’t know?”

Customer: “No. I visited my psychic this week, and she told me that one of the employees at that hotel where I just came from this past weekend, stole something from me. The employee is female with dark hair and her name starts with an ‘M’.”

Me: “Ok….but can you tell me what you’re missing please? That way I can have this documented and the hotel can investigate the situation.”

Customer: “I DON’T KNOW WHAT WAS STOLEN BUT MY PSYCHIC DOES NOT LIE.”

Me: “Ma’am, I certainly apologize for any inconvenience experienced…but I’m sure you can appreciate that I would need to know what was taken to forward over to the hotel. Have you gone through your items?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “And?”

Customer: “I can’t find anything. But your hotel better return my items or I will sue you!”

Me: “I’d love to help you. Please call us back when you have discovered what was missing. Thank you.”

Me: “Thank you for calling ***** Vision, how may I help you?”

Caller: “I need someone to come look at my TV.”

Me: “Sir, this is a vision insurance company, not television repair.”

Caller: “When can you send someone out?”

Me: “Sir, we cannot do that. We don’t repair TVs.”

Caller: “I WANNA SPEAK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!”

Me: “He can’t help you either, sir.”

Caller: “F**K YOU! I SAY F**K YOU!” *click*

Woman: Excuse me, I’ve lost my child somewhere in the store.

Me: “Okay, I’ll get someone right away.”

(I call in a code yellow.)

Me: “Okay, how old is your child?”

Woman: “She’d just turned three. Ooohhh, what if she’s been kidnapped?”

Me: “Don’t worry, I’m sure that’s not the case.”

(Security comes up to talk to her and she turns around.)

Security: “Ma’am, how many children do you have?”

Woman: “Just one, why?”

Security: “Because your child is on your back.”

(She was wearing one of those harnesses.)

Old man: “I need a new phone! But I don’t want all those fancy bells and whistles on it!”

Me: “Ok, well we have some more basic phones over–”

Old man: “No I don’t want caller ID!”

Me: “Hmm…well all the phones we carry have caller ID on them. It’s a pretty standard feature nowadays.”

Old man: “Yeah but I don’t have that service, so I’d just be wasting my money on a feature I don’t use!”

(This sort of this goes on for about 10 minutes. At one point another customer enters the aisle doing her own shopping. He looks over my shoulder and yells to her “Go find someone else! He’s helping me right now!”)

(Finally he decides on a phone…)

Old man: “Does this one have a wall mount?”

Me: “Yes sir, it’s wall mountable.”

Old man: “Show me!”

Me: “We can’t really open product-”

Old man: “No, show me!”

(I think, “Screw it,” and open the box and take everything out to show him)

Me: “See? Wall mounts.”

Old man: “Ok fine, I’ll take it.”

(I spend 10 minutes trying to get the freaking phone back in the box exactly how it was packaged, which is a lot harder than it sounds.)

Me: “Ok…here you go.”

Old man: “No, I don’t want that one, it’s been opened!”

(I nearly beat him to death with his cane.)

Customer on phone: “I’d like a delivery please.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t deliver.”

Customer: “I thought you delivered.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t.”

Customer: “Well, do I get some kind of compensation?”

Me: “Uhhh, no…”

Customer: “You mean I was inconvenienced for all this time and I don’t even get a f***ing discount?”

Me: “No…”

Customer: *click*

Customer: “I got just back from my vacation and all of a sudden my internet connection isn’t working anymore. Have you got a technical problem in my area or something.”

Me: “No ma’am, as far as I know there aren’t any problems at this moment. Can you check which status lights are burning on your modem?”

(Now this is a standard check we do to troubleshoot; it’s very easy to tackle when something’s going wrong.)

Customer: “Alright, well, all lights are off. Are you sure there couldn’t be a problem on your side?”

Me: “No miss, there aren’t any problems. I checked it when you were checking the status lights. But they were all off, you said?”

Customer: “Yeah, there wasn’t a light burning on my modem. What could that mean?”

Me: “Well, that could mean two things: Either the modem is broken or…”

Customer: “No, it can’t be broken, it’s almost brand new! You just want me to buy a new one so that it’s not your problem anymore, am I right?”

Me: “Well, to be honest: You’re not. I didn’t even finish my sentence yet. I said the modem COULD be broken, and if it’s broken and still brand new you’ll get a new one. The problem could also be that the power plug isn’t connected to the outlet properly. Maybe you’ve forgotten to plug it in after you came home from your holiday?”

Customer: “Are you implying that I’m so dumb that I’d forget that? It’s just broken so send me a new one!”

Me: “No, I’m not. But could you please check it, just to be sure?”

Customer: “Alright then…”

(After a minute.)

Customer: “Yeah, you were right, it wasn’t connected. But I’m sure this could happen to everyone!”

Me: “I suppose so. Have a nice day!”

Large Woman 1: “This is not my ice cream, I ordered the butter pecan! It’s simple–just scoop ice cream!”

Large Woman 2: “This is not my ice cream either, I ordered the maple walnut! How d*** complicated is it to give people the right ice cream?”

(Glancing at both of their ice creams, I realize that the problem was their fault, because they just took each other’s ice cream.)

Me: “Yeah, complicated…”

(I walked out back and looked at them on the security camera, until they realized they were the idiots, and left.)

(A teen girl walks through security and collects her belongings.)

Teen: “Excuse me sir, what did you do with my purse?”

Worker: “I’m sure it came through ma’am, just look around for it.”

Teen, in a condescending tone: “Sir, I would appreciate it if you would find my purse that went through YOUR machine that YOU lost. Thats your job you know, now reach up in the machine and feel around for it.”

Worker #2: “Umm, your purse is on your arm.”

Teen: “Oh…” *walks away*

(A customer is looking at a laptop. I approach to help.)

Me: “That’s a really great computer.”

Customer: “I don’t need a computer. I need wireless internet.”

Me: “Alright, how much range do you need cover?”

Customer, dead serious: “From here to Santa Monica.”

(Note: This is about a distance of ten miles.)

Me: “Alright, let’s start over. This time I’ll be from the future.”

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah I’d like a pound of cajun chicken.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir but we don’t carry cajun chicken, would you like some buffalo chicken in substitute?”

Customer: “Which cajun chicken do you have?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir but we don’t serve cajun chicken.”

(My night manager is standing next to me. This guy goes on three more times, calm as can be, demanding cajun chicken.)

Manager: “Sir…we don’t…would you like the santa fe chicken?”

Customer: “I’d like the cajun chicken, where is your cajun chicken?”

Me: *palmface*

Manager: *slices santa fe chicken and wishes him a nice day*