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    Bottom-Rung Bozos

    | Florida, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (This takes place in a small, mom-and-pop gift store. Note: I am about 7 months pregnant when this takes place.)

    Customer: “Hey you, girl! I need one of those games at the top of the shelf.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem, sir. Just give me a moment to finish up here and I’ll grab it.”

    Customer: “Well, hurry up!”

    (The customer continues to mutter about me being useless. I go to grab the ladder when my coworker, who happens to be the owner’s son, sees this.)

    Coworker: *to me* “Oh hey…you don’t need to be on that ladder. I got it.”

    Customer: *to coworker* “What?! No, I asked her. Let her do it!”

    Coworker: “Sir, it’s not safe for her to be up there right now.”

    Customer: “YOU SHOULDN’T BE ACCOMMODATING TO FATTIES!”

    (Note: the customer himself is extremely large.)

    Coworker: “Sir, she’s pregnant, not fat.”

    Customer: “Stupid b**** is just fat! You shouldn’t accommodate fatties! She’s just a fat b****! Make her do her job! STOP ACCOMMODATING THE FATTIES!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m seven months pregnant, not fat, and if you continue to use vulgar language, I will have to ask you to leave.”

    Customer: “You stupid b****! Do your d*** job, you stupid fat a**!”

    Me: “I’m refusing you service. Please leave.”

    Customer: “YOU CAN’T DO THAT! GET THAT D*** GAME! I PAY YOUR SALARY!”

    (The owner, who has overheard the entire exchange, comes over.)

    Owner: “Sir, you shouldn’t be carrying on and calling people fatties…especially pregnant women.”

    Customer: “F*** YOU! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

    Owner: “I’ll do you one better: I own this store, and if I see you in my store again, I will have you arrested for trespassing. Oh…and NO, you don’t pay her salary: I do, and I plan to give her a big raise after this.”

    Customer: “SCREW YOU! You can’t talk to me this way. I’m a paying customer!”

    Coworker: “Hey buddy, you just blow in from stupid town? You haven’t bought anything.”

    Customer: “DON’T ACCOMMODATE FATTIES!”

    (In his anger, he knocks down a rack of merchandise over and hauls out of the store as fast as he can.)

    Coworker: “I’m going to call the police…”

    (The customer was arrested less than a block away, and I got a raise.)

    When Intelligences Cancel Out, Part 2

    | Lawrence, KS, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

    (I work as a cashier. At the checkout, the display on the cash back screen shows the amounts. Underneath is a large “No Cash Back” button, and below that in the corner is a small “Cancel” button.)

    Me: “Your total is $25.88.”

    Customer: “This will be debit.” *swipes card* “Oh, I hit the ‘Cancel’ button.”

    Me: “That’s okay. You’ll need to swipe it again.”

    Customer: “I don’t get why you can’t make this clearer! I don’t want cash back.”

    Me: “Then you need to hit the button that says ‘No Cash Back’, not the ‘Cancel’ button.”

    Customer: “That’s just dumb! Why don’t you make a button that just says ‘Cancel’ if you don’t want cash back?!”

    Related:
    When Intelligences Cancel Out

    Animal, Mineral, Debatable

    | Boston, MA, USA | Math & Science

    (The store I worked at sells rock and mineral specimens, so it’s quite common that customers don’t know much about what they are buying. Luckily, I have a geology background, so I can explain in detail what things are.)

    Customer: *points up at a piece* “What is that?”

    Me: “It’s a chrysanthemum stone.”

    Customer: “Well, what is that?”

    Me: “It’s strontium sulfate that forms on top of a black limestone.”

    Customer: “But what IS that?”

    Me: “Strontium sulfate is Celestite. This is just a different form of it, but deposited on a limestone; it looks like a flower.”

    Customer: “But what is THAT though? It’s not a fossil of a flower, is it?”

    Me: “No, it’s a mineral on top of a limestone. Limestones are a fine-grained sedimentary rock. The crystallization just makes it looks like a flower.”

    Customer: “So it’s a rock on top of another rock?”

    Me: “Not technically, but sort of…I don’t know how to explain it simpler than that.”

    Customer: “So, it’s two rocks in one! I’ll take it.”

    Me: “Okay, great. I’ll assume you want an info card on it?”

    Customer: “Nah, it’s just a rock on a rock. That’s all I need to know!”

    Freak For Yourself

    | Wisconsin, USA | Food & Drink

    (I am at a Chinese restaurant with a friend. A group of four settle at a table beside us, including a couple in their 40s and what appears to be a set of their parents. The waitresses are obviously Chinese and speak English with accents.)

    Waitress: “What would you like for drinks?”

    Older Husband: “Diet Coke, please.”

    Waitress: “Sorry, no diet. We ran out.”

    Older Wife: “He can only drink diet, though!”

    Waitress: “We have no diet. I am sorry!”

    Older Wife: “You don’t understand!” *speaks slowly for her* “Only. Diet. Coke!”

    Waitress: “But—”

    Older Husband: “It’s okay. I will have water, then.”

    Waitress: “Okay!” *hurries away, slightly flustered*

    Older Wife: *to her husband* “You scared her away!”

    Help Is On The Way

    | Oregon, USA | Musical Mayhem, Top

    (I’ve just gotten off work and am waiting behind the building for my friend to come pick me up. I’m listening to music but forgot my headphones, so it’s playing through the speaker. Two teenage girls, one wearing a Twilight shirt and another a Justin Bieber Shirt walk past me chatting. Accompanying them is who I assume is their younger brother, who is obviously not liking the conversation. He can’t be more than ten years old.)

    Teenager #1: *whispers to her friend about my music* “What awful tastes.”

    Teenager #2: *nods in agreement* “Freaks, I tell you.”

    (Instead of agreeing with the girls, the little kid stops and talks to me.)

    Little Kid: *to me* “What’s that?”

    Me: “Rise Against. They’re an awesome punk band.”

    Little Kid: “Thanks!” *catches up to the two teens with a smile*

    (I feel as though I did some good today.)

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