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    Human Interaction Is For Slackers

    | Normal, IL, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling [bank]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I need my balance.”

    Me: “Sure, do you have your account number?”

    Customer: “Don’t you have a phone number I can call where I don’t have to talk to a live person?”

    Me: “Yes, we do, but I’d be more than happy to check that balance for you.”

    Customer: “No, I’ll just take that other number.”

    Me: “Okay, it’s [phone number].”

    Customer: “Thanks! Now, I don’t need to talk to a live person!”

    Doctor, We’ve Got A Serious Case Of Self Loathing

    | Missouri, USA | Technology

    (This occurs at the end of a tech support call. I’ve taken the customer through troubleshooting steps that worked, resulting in the customer being back online. He’s followed instructions better than a lot of people I talk to.)

    Customer: *dejectedly* “Thanks for helping me. I’m just so stupid.”

    Me: “No, no, you did great! You got it working!”

    Customer: *incredibly sadly* “Yeah, but you had to tell me everything!”

    Me: *trying hard to cheer him up* “Well, this is my job; I was trained for this. I’m sure you know things about your job that I wouldn’t know!”

    Customer: “No, I’m stupid at my job, too…”

    More Repulsive Than Attractive

    | California, USA | Language & Words

    (I overhear a coworker, who is currently on the register, talking with a customer as he hands her the food she just paid for.)

    Coworker: “Here you go ma’am. Have a nice night!”

    Customer: “Can I get one of those maggots?”

    Coworker: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “A maggot!”

    Coworker: “I don’t understand what you’re asking for.”

    Customer: “One of the maggots you have all over your fridge!” *points at our drink refrigerator*

    Coworker: “Oh! A magnet. Sure! Let me get you one…”

    Guilty As Charged

    | Herndon, VA, USA | Technology

    Caller: “My phone went off and won’t go back on! And now, it’s threatening to arrest me or something!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, it’s threatening…to arrest you?”

    Caller: “Yes! It says I’m being charged with battery!”

    Weekend Roundup: Customers To The Rescue!

    | Not Always Right | Roundups

    Introducing Weekend Roundups: each week, we’ll be featuring some of our favorite stories from the Not Always Right archives.

    Customers To The Rescue! This week, we share five stories that show customers aren’t all bad–in fact, some are downright heroic!

    1. He Fought The Law, And The Law Won:
      Don’t pretend to be a lawyer…especially if Ally McBeal is standing behind you.
    2. Fighting Fire With Fire:
      What’s better than a knight in shining armor? Try eight of them.
    3. We Need One Of These In Every Store:
      An abusive customer learns how getting picked on feels, UFC-fighter style.
    4. Retail Defender, AntiCheapskate Edition:
      A foul-mouthed cheapskate gets exactly what he paid for.
    5. We Need One OF These In Every Store, Part 3:
      An impatient customer learns that pulling the racism card can be a big mistake.
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