Me: “Welcome to [restaurant]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Uh…how many pieces are in your nine piece bucket?”

Me: *jokingly* “Seven. I’m taking two out for you asking that question.”

Customer: “Seven? That’s a good deal!”

Customer: “Excuse me, I purchased this juicer from you yesterday and it doesn’t seem to be working. You have to take it back.”

Me: “Really? Well I took that right out of the shipping crate it was delivered to us in, so no one here could have possibly have messed with it.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Just let me check something, please.”

(I take the juicer out of the box and carry it over to the kitchen. Plugging it into an outlet I turn it on and watch as it revs up as normal.)

Me: “Well it seems to be in working order. Are you sure you hit the power switch on the side here to turn it on when you tried using
it?”

Customer: “Hey, you’re supposed to just give me my money back, not check if I’m telling the truth!”

(It’s a busy day with long lines. I am one of the fastest cashiers we have.)

Me: “Hi, did you find what you where looking for today?”

(I’ve already processed and bagged about six Items.)

Customer: “Stop bagging! I don’t want no double scans!”

Me: “Okay, then.” *moving more slowly* “Did you find–”

Customer: “No! Stop it! Start over and wait until I have it all on the belt!”

Me: “Okay.” *I pause but don’t void out the total*

Customer: “Good now show me the screen.” *grabs the screen*. “What did you scan?”

(I scroll through the list now about 20+ things. After I start up scanning again, the customer has her eyes locked on the screen.)

Me: “Ok, now that brings you total to–”

Customer: “Here!” *slaps her card on the counter* “You young people move to fast! You should slow down! No one likes you being fast!.”

Three other customers behind her: “We LOVE a fast checker!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [internet provider]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I am trying to provision my personal modem for your internet and I am having issues. Could you help?”

Me: “Sure. May I please have your modem id?”

Caller: “001, E as in igloo, A as in apple, 3251, E as in igloo.”

Me: “So that was 001, Echo, Alpha, 3251, Echo?”

Caller: “No. E as in Igloo!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but Igloo begins with an I.”

Caller: “The heck it does! Igloo is spelled E-G-L-U-E. I have a G.E.D.—you can’t pull one over on me, Mr. Fancy Pants!”

(A woman is several places back in line is with her son who is about 8 years old.)

Customer’s Son: “Mom? I don’t feel good.”

Customer: “Hang on, honey. Mommy is going to get her coffee and then she will take you to the restroom.”

Customer’s Son: “Mom? I feel really sick.”

(I look up and see the boy is very pale and breathing heavy.)

Me: “Ma’am? If you would like to take your son to the restroom, we will save your place in line.”

Customer: “No, it’s okay. We will wait.”

Customer’s Son: “Mom. I really need the bathroom. I don’t feel good.”

Customer: “Honey, just wait. We’ll be done in a few minutes.”

My manager: “Ma’am, please take your son to the restroom. We’ll make your drink while you are in there. On the house. Please!”

Customer: “No! He will have to wait.”

(The customer’s son begins to gag and the customers near him move away from, all of them begging her to take him to the restroom immediately. A few even offer to take him themselves.)

Customer: “I said No! He is just doing this for attention. If you ignore him he will stop.”

Me: “Ma’am, for the last time. Please take your son to the–”

(Customer’s son bends over and begins vomiting on the floor.)

My manager: “Please! Get him out of here!”

Customer: “But I don’t want to lose my place in line.”

My manager: “Ma’am, either get him to the restroom or get him outside. Now!”

Customer: *in a huff* “Well, fine! He’s only doing this for attention!”

(The customer comes out 5 minutes later leading her fully recovered son by the hand. As I a finish mopping her the boy’s breakfast off the floor she collects her free coffee drink, smiles and leaves, calling out…)

Customer: “Thank you very much. See you all tomorrow!”