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    When Life Gives You Melons

    | Plattsburgh, NY, USA | Food & Drink

    (This conversation takes place as I approach a table where a woman is sitting with a menu across from her.)

    Me: “Hi, how’re you doing?”

    Customer: “We’ll take two water lemons. No, watermelons! No, wait, lemon waters!”

    Me: *struggling not to laugh* “Alright, ma’am, I’ll be right back with two lemon waters.”

    Never Send A Man To Do A Woman’s Job

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Family & Kids

    (I work for a company that hosts kids’ parties. One party is coming in just as another is leaving, and in the chaos, a gay couple and their daughter are getting overlooked. At the time, I am the only female on duty.)

    Me: “Can I help you, sirs?”

    Customer: “We just bought a ball, but we don’t know how to blow it up.”

    (I take the family to the pump and show their daughter how to use it. Her dads thank me profusely and one of them makes sure to comment.)

    Customer: “That’s proof, Charlotte. If you want something done right, you have to ask a woman.”

    Obviously, They Prefer Fartissimo

    , | Huntington Beach, CA, USA | School

    (In music, “pianissimo” means “very quiet”. It is abbreviated as “PP” on sheet music and scores. Currently, I am teaching a student who always pounds the keys, no matter what dynamic level is indicated.)

    Student: “Oh no! This has PP!”

    Me: “Yep, it’s a quiet piece.”

    Student: “I hate PP! It’s too hard to do. I can’t do PP!”

    Me: “Sounds like a personal problem to me, buddy…”

    No Returns On The Can Of Worms

    | Syracuse, NY, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I’m standing at the service center chatting with a co-worker when a customer walks up and places a bag on the counter.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return these pants.”

    Me: “Of course! Do you have the receipt?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it’s in the bag.”

    (She opens the bag and little bugs come jumping out of the bag and scuttle around the counter.)

    Customer: “Those aren’t mine! I don’t even have animals! They aren’t
    mine!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Red Light ATM

    | Melbourne, Australia | Rude & Risque

    (I am a cashier serving an elderly woman in her 70′s or 80′s. I have just finished scanning her items and she is handing me the money after looking through her purse for several minutes.)

    Customer: “Here you go, dear. I was a bit worried for a moment that I wouldn’t have enough money! I thought I might have to…well, you’re probably to young to know.”

    Me: “What’s that, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Well, I thought I might have to go down to [well known brothel] and stand out on the street. You know, earn some fast cash!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: *laughing* “You have a lovely day now!”


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