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    Customer Service Speaks Your Language

    | Clearwater, FL, USA | Rude & Risque

    (A customer calls on phone asking for directions.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [travel agency], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I need to pick up my friend getting off the bus depot. Where are you located?

    Me: “We are 1/2 mile east of [road], across the street from [sports bar].”

    Customer: “What’s that? Could you spell that for me?”

    (I proceed to spell the name of the establishment.)

    Customer: “Oh, [sports bar]. You should have just said ‘boobies’! That would have been much faster.”

    Something Smells Fishy, Part 3

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Top

    Customer: “Last night, I was drunk on a boat and I threw my phone overboard. Now it is on the bottom of the lake. Can you send someone to pick it up for an exchange?”

    Me: “I thought I heard you said it is on the bottom of a lake.”

    Customer: “Yes, it is. Can you send someone?”

    Me: “No, we cannot send someone to the bottom of the lake to pick it up. Also, since you don’t have your phone, we can’t exchange it.”

    Customer: “But I do have it, it’s in the bottom of the lake.”

    Me: “Then, you don’t have it.”

    Customer: “But, I do have it. I mean, it’s not in my hands but I know where it is, so it counts as if I had it.”

    Me: “No, it doesn’t, sir. Besides, we need to have the phone first in order to send you a replacement.”

    Customer: “I do have it. It’s at the bottom of the lake!”

    Me: “The warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage.”

    Customer: “How do you know it has liquid damage?”

    Me: “The phone is at the bottom of a lake!”

    Related:
    Something Smells Fishy, Part 2
    Something Smells Fishy

    Santa Thanks You For Your Consideration

    | Helsinki, Finland | Food & Drink

    (A customer is inquiring about restaurants in the vicinity of the hotel and I’ve offered him a few suggestions.)

    Customer: “Thank you for your help. Now, I have one more question, if that’s okay?”

    Me: “Of course.”

    Customer: “Is all the meat in Helsinki reindeer meat?”

    Me: “Do you mean in the Finnish restaurants?”

    Customer: “No, everywhere. Is it possible to get beef, or pork, for example?”

    Me: “Yes, you can get pretty much any kind of meat here. Reindeer is a specialty meat, even for most Finns.”

    Customer: “Oh, ok! I used to live in Alaska and reindeer was the only meat you could get there. Thanks for your help, again!”

    Me: “You’re welcome.”

    Priceless Priced Less

    | MO, USA |

    (This lady has been in the store for at least an hour, building a large pile of merchandise.)

    Customer: “Okay, I’m ready to check out. You can take off the sale prices.”

    Me: “Um, I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “You can take the discounts off. I won’t be needing them after all. The insurance will reimburse me, so it doesn’t matter how much I spend.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I can’t exactly take off the sale prices. I would need to call my manager.”

    Customer: “Don’t worry about it, I’ll just pay the sale prices. My shed burnt down, you know. I have to replace everything. Priceless items! My grandma gave me a popcorn maker for Christmas when I was a kid that was in there! I had custom-made curtains worth thousands of dollars in there! Heirloom dishes! So many things irreplaceable!”

    Me: “Wow, that’s awful! So, if I might ask, why were these irreplaceable items in the shed, and not your house?

    Customer: “Oh, it was all from some garage sale.”

    In Through The Out Door

    | Bedford, NS, Canada | Extra Stupid

    (A woman and her son have just entered the library. They walk straight to me while I am sitting at the circulation desk. There
    is only one entrance to the library. All other doors leading outside are clearly and brightly marked fire exits.)

    Patron: “How do I come in?”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Patron: “How do I come in here?”

    Me: “Through the door?”

    Patron: “Which one?”

    Me: “The one you just walked through.”

    Patron: “Oh okay, so I just do that again?”

    Me: “Yes…that should work perfectly.”

    Patron: “Thanks!” *walks away*


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