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    Weeding Out The Dumb Ones

    | Cleveland, OH, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I take calls about various do-it-yourself products for lawn and garden and insect control.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Your product is defective!”

    Me: “Okay, what product?”

    Customer: “[Brand name] weed and grass killer!”

    Me: “Okay, what is the problem?”

    Customer: “It killed my grass!”

    Me: “Um, it is weed and grass killer.”

    Customer: “Yes, but it doesn’t say good grass!”

    Me: “You’re right. However, grass covers all grass types.”

    Customer: “Well, it should say on the label it kills good grass.”

    Me: “Actually, it does on the back. It lists all the grasses it kills, and your grass is listed.”

    Customer: “Well, it should tell you to read the label before use!”

    Me: “Actually, it does. See that stop sign on the back?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “And right after, it says read entire label before use.”

    Customer: “Well, it should say it on the front so I can see it!”

    Me: “I’ll put your request into corporate…”

    Related:
    Customer: Impossible
    Customer: Impossible, Part 2

    It Also Stands For Due Diligence

    | Duluth, MN, USA |

    (I work in the intimates department of a well-known clothing store.)

    Customer: “Are the D-D bras smaller than the D bras?”

    Me: “Actually, double-Ds are a size bigger than regular D-cups.”

    Customer: “How was I supposed to know D-D means double-D?!”

    Positively Pissed Off

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Wild & Unruly

    (A woman had bought a pregnancy test earlier and has come back into the store a few minutes later.)

    Customer: “I want a refund for this pregnancy test!”

    Me: “Sure, ma’am. What seems to be wrong with it? Do you have the receipt?”

    Customer: *yelling* “It says I am pregnant! I did not buy this to tell me I am pregnant!”

    Me: “Oh…well, we cannot accept it since it has been used, for sanitary reasons. Also, that is what the test is for, ma’am: it tells you whether you are pregnant or not.”

    (The woman grows angry and starts cussing at me, so I call my supervisor to the front. They tell her the same thing I’ve told her.)

    Customer: “Fine! If I can’t get a refund, you can take it back!” *throws the wet test at me and storms out*

    Paint Me A Misogynist

    | Mesa, AZ, USA | Bigotry, Top

    (I work in the hardware department of a large retail store. Part of my duties entail mixing paint. A customer approaches my male coworker, who doesn’t know how to use the paint machine. He points the customer in my direction and the following conversation ensues.)

    Customer: “What? Her? But she’s a woman!”

    Me: “I can help you, sir. Don’t worry. I have lots of experience in tinting paint.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? Who taught you how to do that? How on Earth did you get this job?”

    (The paint machine requires that we use a specific base for each color depending on the amount of tint that needs to be used. I need light base, but the customer hands me a can of medium base. I go to replace it.)

    Customer: “What are you doing? I gave you medium base. It’s a medium color. I don’t think you know what you’re doing.”

    Me: “I assure you, I do. The process is all computerized. I need a light base.”

    Customer: “I want to see your manager. You can’t do this right.”

    Me: “Trust me, just let me mix the paint before I get him. He’s likely busy.”

    (I proceed to mix the paint. It turns out perfectly.)

    Customer: *slinks off, defeated*

    Seedless, We Promise

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (My friend and I are cleaning up at the end of the night at a frozen yogurt shop downtown. Suddenly, a guy walks in.)

    Guy: “You need to buy me a piece of pizza cause I ain’t eaten all day!”

    Me: “The pizza shop in the mall is closed. I can give you a sample of yogurt.”

    (I pour him a sample of acai blueberry yogurt.)

    Guy: “What the h*** is that?”

    Me: “Yogurt.”

    Guy: “Nuh uh, that’s sperm.”

    Me: “This is yogurt.”

    Guy: “Stop trying to give me sperm! I do scientific research and that is HORSE SPERM!” *runs away*

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