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    Eau De Hoo Ha

    | Clarksville, IN, USA | Rude & Risque

    (A elderly woman approaches the counter and I greet her.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. Would you like to try a sample of our new fragrance?”

    Customer: “Actually, I was looking to buy some Juicy Cooter.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “It’s my granddaughter’s birthday. It’s coming up and she said she wanted that new Juicy Cooter perfume.”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Oh you mean Juicy Couture? Yes, we carry that.”

    Customer: “No, not the French one! Just show me your Juicy Cooter!”

    Now We Know Why Katniss Wants To Kick A**

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    Teenage customer: “I’d like to return The Hunger Games.”

    (Note that she had just purchased The Hunger Games a few minutes ago. As is customary, I ask if there’s anything wrong.)

    Me: “I’ll be happy to return this for you. Were you not happy with it?”

    Teenage customer: “Oh, I just changed my mind. I thought of something better that I wanted.”

    Me: “Oh, what’s that?”

    Teenage customer:Twilight!”

    Illegal Tender

    , | Australia | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    (I work late at night at a well-known fast food chain. We often get customers who are a little bit under the influence at night.)

    Me: “That comes to $23.95, thanks.”

    (The customer goes through his wallet and pockets and comes up about $5 short.)

    Customer: “Do you want to buy some weed off me so I can pay for this order?”

    Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Points

    | Portland, OR, USA | At The Checkout

    (A customer approaches my register with a few items. While talking loudly with her friend, she smiles at me briefly, but does not acknowledge me through the rest of the transaction. She is speaking loudly and popping her gum.)

    Me: “Did you find everything all right?”

    Customer: *nods at me and continues talking*

    Me: “Would you like to use a [savings] card today?”

    Customer: *continues talking on the phone*

    Me: “Did you have any coupons today?”

    Customer: *completely ignoring me at this point*

    Me: “If you don’t have any coupons, your total will be [$$]. Are you using cash or card today?”

    Customer: *turns and slides her card*

    (I prompt through the card and wait a few seconds to see if she will sign the screen.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, you need to sign the screen to verify your purchase.”

    Customer: “Well, okay.” *signs screen and keeps talking to her friend*

    (The receipt prints and I hand the customer her bag and the receipt.)

    Me: “Have a nice day!”

    (I continue to the next customer, who is actually acknowledging me and talking to me. Meanwhile, the previous customer has finally stopped talking with her friend and is reading receipt.)

    Customer: “Wait a minute! I had coupons for these! Why didn’t I get a discount? And I have a [savings] card! Why didn’t I get any points?”

    Me: “Excuse me, but I asked if you have any coupons and you didn’t answer. I’m sorry…if you go up to customer service they can give you a refund and get you your points.”

    Customer: *getting angry* “But I had the coupons in my hand! You should’ve seen them and taken them! Now I have to go to customer service because of you! This is bulls***!” *storms off*

    Current customer: “I don’t think she deserves a refund!”

    Your Comprehension Of Comprehension Is Incomprehensible

    | Illinois, USA | Family & Kids, Language & Words

    (I am a bookstore clerk at the local high school. I am talking to a mom who is getting the books her daughter needs.)

    Mother: “My daughter doesn’t have a problem with comprehension! She just doesn’t understand the material.”

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