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    You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Make

    | Detroit, MI, USA | Rude & Risque

    (An elderly woman walks onto the lot from and begins asking me about a car.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am, what can I help you with today?”

    Customer: “What can you tell me about this red car?”

    Me: “This is a 1999 Volvo V70.”

    Customer: “A Vulva! My grand-daughter has a vulva! Her boyfriend said he absolutely loves it!”

    (I unsuccessfully try to keep a straight face.)

    Me: “I’m sure he does, ma’am.”

    Related:
    You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 4
    You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 3
    You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 2

    Pointing Out The Obvious

    | Luton, UK | Family & Kids, Top

    (A 4-year-old child has trapped her finger in a door, so I’m going over the accident form with her mother when she comes to pick her up.)

    Mother: “Index finger? What the h*** is that?”

    Me: *showing her* “This one here.”

    Mother: “What? That’s a pointer-finger.”

    Me: “Well, yes, but in medicine it’s called the index finger.”

    Mother: “That’s not true. I’ve never heard that. Is that supposed to be funny? Just because I’m a woman–”

    Me: “Well, no–”

    Mother: “Yes, it is! What kind of a man works at a nursery anyway?”

    Child: “A man who knows about fingers!”

    Noon, Not Too Soon

    | Albuquerque, NM, USA |

    (One of my regulars walks into the store on a Sunday morning.)

    Customer: “Sir? Are you selling alcohol today?”

    Me: “Yeah, but not until noon.”

    (The man stares at me blankly before replying.)

    Customer: “So, like one?”

    Me: “No, at noon.”

    Customer: “So, one then?”

    (I am rather confused at this point because I know he hears what I’m saying.)

    Me: “No, noon’s before one.”

    (He starts getting really upset with me.)

    Customer: “What is this ‘noon’? I don’t know what a ‘noon’ is! Where is a ‘noon’ on a clock? Does it say ‘noon’ on your clock? When is that?!”

    (I stand there dumbfounded for a few seconds.)

    Me: “Twelve, sir.”

    Customer: “Thank you!” *leaves store*

    Lost-And-Found-Again-Land

    | Halifax, Canada | Tourists/Travel

    (My customer asks me for a map and says he is going to be heading over to Newfoundland. I give him a map and point it out for him.)

    Customer: “Why do you spell it ‘Newfoundland’? It’s New Finland.”

    Me: “Well, its pronounced sort of like New Finland, but it’s actually Newfoundland, as in ‘this is a New Found Land.’”

    Customer: “No, it’s New Finland.”

    Me: “I can guarantee you there are not many Finnish people there.”

    Customer: “Of course not. They left 1,000 years ago!”

    Must Be Using 1% Of Her Brain

    | California, USA | Extra Stupid

    (Note: if you pay for your items with a debit card at our store, you will receive a coupon worth 1% of your purchase.)

    Me: *hands receipt to customer* “There you go! Since you paid with a debit card, there’s a coupon on the bottom of your receipt worth one percent of your purchase today. You can use that coupon on any future purchase. Just make sure to bring this receipt with you so we can redeem the coupon.”

    Customer: *stares at coupon* “Where?”

    Me: *points* “Right there.”

    Customer: “15¢? Really?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s one percent of your purchase today.”

    Customer: “Well, that doesn’t really help at all.”

    Me: “Yeah, it’s not much, but remember that these coupons don’t expire. So, if you get a few more coupons later, you can bring back several to use on the same purchase. They start to add up pretty quick.”

    Customer: “Wait, I get more than one?”

    Me: “You get a new one every time you buy something here with a debit card.”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “So, let’s say you come back here nine more times and pay with a debit card each time. Then, you’d have ten coupons. There’s no limit to how many of these you can use at the same time. In the future, you can bring in like twenty if you want and use them all on the same purchase.”

    Customer: “So I get twenty cents off?”

    Me: “You’d get the sum of all the individual values of the coupons off, depending on how much you spend.”

    Customer: “So how much is that?”

    Me: “It depends how much you spend. Each coupon is worth 1% of the total purchase you paid with a debit card.”

    Customer: *opens mouth as if to speak, and then walks away, dazed*

    Related:
    User Has Exceeded Maximum Cognitive Power


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