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    Why Tech Support Needs Hazard Pay

    , | Alberta, Canada | Rude & Risque, Technology

    (We don’t have a tech support team of any kind at our store. However, since I have my certifications to do, I often perform simple repairs for customers if it’s not busy. On this particular day, a gentleman walks into the store with his laptop looking panicky.)

    Customer: “Hey, can you fix my computer?”

    Me: “I suppose. What seems to be happening?”

    Customer: “I can’t back up my iPhone. I keep getting an error message.”

    Me: “I’ll have a look for you.”

    (I turn on the laptop, plug in his phone and get an error message saying that there isn’t enough drive space. He has 16.8MB of space left on a 500GB drive. I check to see what’s clogging up all his drive space and find that almost EVERY file on his drive is very strange, deviant pornography.)

    Me: “Sir…your hard drive is full of porn.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “That’s why you can’t back up your iPhone. You don’t have enough room.”

    Customer: “I’m not sure I follow.”

    Me: “Sir, you have too much porn on your hard drive. If you delete some of it, you’ll have enough room for the files on your iPhone.”

    Customer: *beginning to panic even further* “But I can’t delete it! I need it! I NEED IT ALL!”

    Me: “Um, okay…” *I grab a USB drive off the shelf* “This is a flash drive. You can move some of your files on to it and then you’ll have room to back up your iPhone.”

    Customer: “Can you show me how? I’m not good with this tech stuff.”

    (I ring the flash drive through the till. He pays for it and I move a bunch of his files over to the thumb drive.)

    Me: “There you go, sir. Now you can back up your iPhone.”

    Customer: “Thank you. Um, can I get a few more of those flash…thingies?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (He grabs four more 16GB drives, pays for them, and hurriedly leaves the store.)

    This Shall Henceforth Be Called Squirrelling

    | Illinois, USA |

    (We had rearranged the store recently so regulars were having trouble finding things. One of our regular customer comes in, looks around confused. I walk up to them.)

    Me: “Can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “So, where did you hide your nuts?”

    (I nearly explode trying not to burst into laughter as I show him where they were moved to.)

    Be Prepared For Explosive Flavor

    | Davenport, IA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I’m eating in the mall food court when I see an angry man approaches a security guard. It looks serious, so I try to listen to their conversation. I only hear a few fragments.)

    Angry guy: “Security alert…suspicious item…chemical spill…At other places, the security staff works in conjunction with the local police, bomb squad, and haz-mat team! [Nearby military base] is pretty high on al-Qaeda’s list of targets. I don’t feel safe at all!”

    (The angry guy stomps off. I’m a little worried at this point, so I walk up to the security guard.)

    Me: “What’s going on?”

    Security guard: “Nothing. Somebody left an open can of Coke in the middle of the floor.”

    This Cheese Has Been Around

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    (I’ve been helping this customer for about two minutes.)

    Me: “Can I get you anything else?”

    Customer: “Yes, give me half a pound of the philandering cheese.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “The philandering cheese!”

    Me: “Uh, which one?”

    Customer: “The philandering Swiss cheese!”

    (She points at the wall behind the counter where we display the cheeses. I turn around and immediately realize which cheese she means.)

    Me: “Oh, Finlandia Swiss!”

    Customer: “That’s what I said! Philandering Swiss!”

    Related:
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    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 5
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 5
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 4
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 3
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

    Not Exactly The Sweetest Customer

    | Toronto, Canada | At The Checkout, Food & Drink

    (My store has a brand of cookies on sale for half price. On the shelf above them is a smaller pack of the same brand that is not on sale).

    Customer: “Excuse me, why do these bigger cookies cost less than these small ones?”

    Me: “Those cookies are on sale this week. They usually cost more.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know they’re on sale, but why doesn’t the smaller pack cost less?”

    Me: “Only the cookies in the larger size are on sale. The other ones are at regular price.”

    Customer: “But aren’t they the same?”

    Me: “Yes they’re the same brand, but only the larger size is on sale.”

    (At this point, the customer grabs hold of my arm.)

    Customer: “Yes, but why are the bigger ones cheaper? That’s more sugar! If you have too much sugar you can get diabetes! It’s not healthy!”

    Me: “Um, sorry?”

    Customer: “I don’t want to buy the bigger pack. I just want the smaller one. It’s too much sugar for me. Why should I have to buy the bigger one?”

    Me: “Er, well, you don’t HAVE to buy the bigger one.”

    (The customer sighs, shakes his head, and grabs the bigger pack of cookies. He leaves muttering about how everything has so much sugar in it.)


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