Me, picking up phone: “*** Book and Music…can I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have Shakespeare in English?”

Customer: “Yeah, this movie didn’t play right. It keeps skipping. I want a different one.”

Me: “Okay, if you want to go grab another copy off the shelves I’ll get this checked in.”

(I scan the movie and it is three days late.)

Me: “Ma’am, this movie is three days late.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “So…I’ll have to charge you full price to rent another movie, and you’ll need to pay the late fee.”

Customer: “THE MOVIE DIDN’T WORK. I SHOULD GET ANOTHER ONE FREE!”

Me: “Well, it was a three day rental, and you could have brought it in anytime in those three days and we would have been happy to exchange it free of charge. However since it’s late, I can’t do that.”

Customer: “THIS IS F**KING BULLS**T! LET ME TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

Me: “I am the manager, ma’am.”

Customer: “F**KING RIDICULOUS! THE MOVIE DIDN’T PLAY!”"

Me: “I’m sorry, but you had a full three days to bring it back.”

Customer: “I WAS F**KING BUSY!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am that’s not my fault.”

Customer: “GIVE ME YOUR BOSS’ NUMBER! I’M GOING TO REPORT YOUR A**!! K***** [my boss] IS AN OLD FRIEND AND YOU’RE GOING TO GET FIRED!”

(I give her the number and she storms out, muttering. I call my boss.)

Me: “Just so you know, you might be getting a call from your friend, C** M** trying to get me fired.”

My Boss: “Who the hell is C** M**?”

Customer: “How cold is the Extra Cold Guinness?”

Me: “Colder than the regular Guinness.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll try it.”

(Customer takes a sup of his pint.)

Customer: “It just tastes like regular Guinness, but colder!”

Me: “…yup.”

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Captain Obvious To The Rescue
Belaboring The Obvious

(I use to work in a deli at a grocery story. This story takes place there.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want the extra cheap-a** ham.”

Me: “How thin do you want that?”

Customer: “Bible-paper thin.”

Me: “Um…ok?”

(It should be noted that slicing the “extra cheap-a** ham” too thin results not in ham, but in a ham-like paste)

Me: “Here you go.”

Customer: “You call that thin? You obviously aren’t a religious man, I can see.”

Me: “Ok…”

(I ended up giving him about $3.00 worth of ham paste and he walked away happy, so I guess it all worked out.)

(I’m working drive through when the headset beeps.)

Me:: “Hi, welcome to *** Donuts, what can I get you?”

Customer:: “Hi, I’ll have a barbarian cream!”

Me:: “…a what?”

Customer: “A barbarian cream!”

Me: “…you mean a Bavarian cream?”

Customer: “Yeah, that!”

(I was working in the seasonal section of a large bulk retail chain. It was Christmas time and we sold large sets of decorative houses with lights in them.)

Customer: “Hi, I would like to purchase one of these…” *points to a house set* “…but there aren’t anymore underneath it. Where are the others stored?”"

(I use my price gun to check the quantities of said item.)

Me: “I’m sorry, it appears we are sold out.”

Customer: “Oh, well then I’ll just take this one.” *points to the display unit*

Me: “Oh, that’s just a display unit. That one isn’t for sale.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, this is one of those specific items that we are given a temporary display unit from the vendor that we have to send back at the end of the season.”

Customer: “So why can’t I buy it?”

Me: “Well, it’s not ours to sell. It is rented from the people who made the set.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why I can’t buy it!”

Me: “It does not belong to us. We cannot sell what does not belong to us.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “…what kind of car do you drive?”

Customer: “A 2000 Focus, why?”

Me, to a passing customer: “Sir, would you like to buy a 2000 Focus?”

Customer: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Selling your car.”

Customer: “Why? It’s MY car!”

Me: “Well, I didn’t think ownership made a difference to you.”

(She then stormed off to talk to a manager who told her I would be taken care of. He then proceeded to buy me a piece of pizza for making his day.)

(A middle age woman comes up to the counter.)

Woman: “Your machine is broken! It will only copy the first page of my packet and now I have 50 copies of the first page and I’m not paying for them!”

Me: “No problem ma’am, I can credit your card for the copies. Let’s see if I can fix it.”

(When I get to the copier I see that she has laid the entire stack of papers on the glass.)

Me, trying not to laugh: “If you would like the machine to copy the whole stack automatically you need to place it in the feeder tray, not just set it on the glass.”

(A man realized that he was unable to pay for his groceries a few checkouts away from mine and had to leave his cart full of items behind. As he stormed off, he let off a tirade of insults at his cashier, finally stopping as he passed my register, gaping in awe at my long hair. I’m a guy, by the way.)

Pissed customer: “AND YOU! GET A HAIRCUT! YOU LOOK STUPID!”

Me: “…”

(I’m a 28 year old female and work for a computer store. I’m alone in the store when a middle-aged man walks in.)

Me: “Hi there, can I help you?”

Customer: “Are there any computer guys around here?”

Me: “Just me at the moment, anything I can help you with?”

Customer: *tries to look behind me to the stock room and repair area* “Well, aren’t there any computer GUYS here?”

Me: “No. Look, is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Well um…I need this fixed.” *holds a multimedia
jukebox*

Me: “Well, I work in repairs as well so just tell me what’s wrong with it and I’ll take a look at it for you.”

Customer: “Listen, I just need to talk to a computer guy! I did everything right. I put the hard disk in but it still won’t work. Just get a guy to fix it!”

Me: “Well, the most common mistake is when people forget to format the hard disk. I can have that fixed in 5 minutes.”

Customer: “Yeah sure. Get one of the tech GUYS to do it and call me when it’s ready.”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

(I went back and of course he hadn’t formatted the disk. I fix it and call the guy who shows up immediately.)

Me: “Here you go. As I thought you had just forgotten to format the disk. I did that for you and it’s working fine now.”

Customer: “No, that can’t have been the problem. I KNOW computers.”

Me: “Well, this isn’t a computer, and it’s a common mistake to make when you put the hard disk in yourself. Anyway, I fixed it for you so everything should be fine now.”

Customer: “Look, isn’t there a computer GUY I could talk to?”

Me: *losing will to live and considering a sex change*

(This customer bought a couple packs of white t-shirts and socks.)

Me: “Your total is $28.77.”

Customer: “Were the shirts on sale?”

Me: “Yes, they were $2 off.”

Customer: “How do you know?”

Me: “…because that’s what the sale price is. See? It shows it here on the register screen.”

Customer: “Oh okay. But were they on sale?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Okay. Were the socks on sale?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Our sales change weekly and this week these socks aren’t on sale.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because they aren’t on sale this week.”

Customer: “But why?”

Me: “I don’t know…corporate decides the sales.”

Customer: “Oh okay. What’s the total?”

Me: “$28.77.”

(The customer gives me $40 and I give him his $11.23. I used two $5 bills instead of a 10 because I didn’t have any 10s in my till.)

Customer: “I want a 10, I don’t want two fives!”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t have any tens in my drawer. I only have fives.”

Customer: “Why do you think that is?”

Me: “Well, when I get change from my supervisors they just give me fives. They don’t usually have any tens. And also customers just don’t usually pay with tens.”

Customer: “But why do you think that is?”

Me: “I don’t really know. Probably because the customers usually get money from ATMs and they only give out twenties.”

Customer: “Why do you think that is?”

Me: “I don’t know. I guess the banks just think that people really just need twenties.”

Customer, frustrated: “Wait, why are we talking about banks?”

Me: “I don’t know, you brought it up.”

Customer: “I don’t want two fives, I want a ten!”

Me: “Go ask at customer service. They might have some.”

Customer: “Why do you think that is?”

(I call the manager who gets the guy his ten. He finally leaves after asking me again if the socks were on sale.)

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