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    Folie A Deux

    | Illinois, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (I am working in the men’s department when a well-dressed, handsome man comes up with a few pairs of pants. Most of them are one size, while one or two are one size larger than that.)

    Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

    Customer: “Yes, thank you.”

    Me: “I see here that these are one size larger than the others. Did you need the two different sizes?”

    Customer: *sheepishly* “Yes, actually, I do.”

    Me: “I was just checking. Sometimes clothes don’t get put back in the proper piles and sizes get mixed up.” *continues ringing him up* “Are you purchasing these as a gift? We can provide you with a gift box.”

    Customer: “Oh, no, both sizes are for me.” *leans in to whisper* “You see, I need one size for most of the time, and another for… that time of the month.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Don’t judge me! My wife cooks fattier foods for a whole week when…you know! It’s like Thanksgiving every night for a week!”

    Me: “Oh, wow. I can’t imagine what she’s like while pregnant.”

    Customer: *visibly pales* “I hadn’t thought of that. Oh, no. I can’t have that happen! I’ll get FAT!”

    The 99%

    | Palm Bay, FL, USA | Top

    (Usually, I cashier at my store. It is slow, so I am called to work on the floor.)

    Customer: *recognizing me* “Oh, hey, I didn’t know you worked on the floor!”

    Me: “It’s slow, so they put me to work out here.”

    Customer: “I’m surprised they didn’t just send you home. This place is a graveyard at this time!”

    Me: *laughing* “Afraid they don’t do that. If you have a pulse and can stand in one place, you’re good for work!”

    Customer: “But you do go home right?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Home? No, they have a big cage in the back where they lock us up overnight until they need us again.”

    Customer: *horrified* “Well, I never! I’m never shopping here again if they use slaves!” *storms away before I can say I am only kidding*

    (My shift ends and I’m leaving. I overhear the managers talking.)

    Manager #1: “Some woman called to complain about our slaves.”

    Manager #2: *grinning* “Dang, how’d she find out about that?!”

    The Real Reason For Head-On Collisions

    , | Stockton, CA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I am a claims adjuster talking to a driver recently involved in a car accident. I am asking him questions to hear his side of the story of what happened.)

    Me: “So there are 3 lanes on this highway? Were you in the left, middle, or right lane?”

    Driver: “The right lane.”

    (The police report indicates differently.)

    Me: “Are you sure you are in the right lane?”

    Driver: *thinking* “No, no, I was in the LEFT lane! You see, I’m left-handed, so everything is reversed for me.”

    Sweet Midlife Crisis

    , | Fast Food Restaurant | Food & Drink

    (I work at a popular fast food place where cashiers ask for customer’s names so that they can be called when their order is ready. Customers who are members of our loyalty program are called whatever name they registered their card under. A middle aged man approaches.)

    Me: *holding back laughter* “Is this the name you want me to call?”

    Customer: “Yes, of course!”

    (Five minutes pass while his order is being made.)

    Coworker: *over the intercom* “Princess Bubblegum, your order is ready!”

    Silence Is Golden

    | USA |

    Customer: *in writing* “Where are the encyclopedias?”

    Me: *slowly, making sure he can lip read me* “One floor up–”

    (The customer gestures me to write. I assume he can’t lip read. He goes on his way after I write the instructions. Suddenly there’s a crash and he looks towards the sound.)

    Me: “I thought you couldn’t hear!”

    Customer: *in writing* “Stop talking, this is a library!”


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