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    Don’t Prune The Tree Of Knowledge

    | Kaysville, UT, USA | Crazy Requests

    (I work at a university extension where we offer broadcast courses. A gruff guy walks up to the front desk. His speech is a little hard to understand.)

    Man: “So, can you guys teach me how to prune?”

    Coworker: “Print?”

    Man: “No, prune.”

    Me: “Uh, sorry, this is a university.”

    Man: “How can I get you guys to come prune my trees for free?”

    Me: *speechless*

    Always Right, Everywhere

    | London, UK | At The Checkout

    (I am ringing up a customer’s order at a very busy store.)

    Customer: “Those jeans are coming up as £79.99 when they should be £39.99.”

    Me: “Okay, in that case, I will just change them for you. It’s the first day of our sale and it sometimes takes our computers a while to adjust all the prices.”

    Customer: “You should apologize to me. In my country, we would apologize for a mistake like that.”

    Me: “Well, as I said, it is not really an error on my part, just a computer issue. But as you can see, I have changed the price for you.”

    Customer: “I know it’s not your fault but you should say sorry to me. Where I come from, we would apologize for that sort of thing!” *grumbling under breath* “Stupid b****.”

    Me: “What was that? I don’t quite think I caught that last part.”

    Customer: “Oh, nothing! Just talking to myself! And I still think you should apologize. This is ridiculous!” *swears more under her breath*

    Me: “Here’s your order! I am glad we avoided an international incident today. Have a fantastic day!”

    Microsoft Tours Are Megahard

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | Technology

    (A customer approaches me on the sales floor.)

    Customer: “Hi…um…where are your Mi-cro-softs?”

    Me: “Sorry, my Microsofts? Microsoft is a company.”

    Customer: “Yeah. It’s on my list here, but I can’t find it in your store.”

    Me: “Actually, they make a lot of stuff.”

    Customer: “Yeah. Show me everything…”

    (I proceed to go through everything Microsoft I can think of, including keyboards, mice, Word, Publisher, Excel, Powerpoint, operating systems, some basic card games, and clip art collections. We go back and forth, and eventually I show her Windows 7 and Office disks. In the end, she left the store without purchasing anything.)

    The (Percolating) Patience Of A Saint

    | Colorado, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (I manage a well-known chain coffee location. We had a minor price increase on some items about a month before.)

    Me: “Good morning, sir. What can I get you today?”

    Customer: “Medium coffee.”

    Me: “Sure, that will be $2.17.”

    Customer: “Two…WHAT?!”

    Me: “$2.17?”

    Customer: “When did that start? It was two dollars even!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We had a minor price increase about a month ago.”

    (At this point, the customer has paid and received his drink and is now holding up the line.)

    Customer: “I haven’t stopped drinking coffee in the last month! It’s been two dollars and that’s what it is! I don’t know where you get off charging me more all of the sudden, but that’s just crap!”

    Me: “Sir, our prices are set by corporate and we have no control, so I’m sorry if you don’t like the price. I can give you a refund if you don’t want the drink, but the lady behind—”

    Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do!! I want this coffee! Look, I’ve already put my face on the cup!”  

    (He then emphasizes the point by mashing his mouth into the lid.)

    Customer: “…and you have my money! Oh…and you’re ‘Sorry’? Do you know what that means in the dictionary?!”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “No, you frickin’ don’t! It means you aren’t worth anything and that’s what I think of this place. It’s SORRY!”

    (During this final tirade, he is waving his cup around and it’s apparent that the woman behind him is afraid one of us will be splashed.)

    Me: “Sir, I apologize for your confusion. If you don’t like the prices, you don’t need to spend your money here. You have my apology, so please take your coffee and have a great day.”

    (He stares at me blankly for a moment and then wheels around and storms out. The woman who was behind him steps up to the counter. Surprisingly, she reaches out to shake my hand.)

    Next customer: “I don’t know how you stayed calm during that. He almost hit you with hot coffee! I just wanted to shake the hand of a saint before I got my latte!”

    Dodging The Point

    | Massachusetts, USA | Family & Kids

    (I’m refereeing a dodgeball game at a widely known indoor trampoline park. I am currently watching over a little kids game. The mother of a crying child approaches me.)

    Mother: “Excuse me, but why is my son out?! Is he not allowed to play or something?”

    Me: “Ma’am, your son was hit with the ball.”

    Mother: “What do you mean?! That other kid clearly targeted my son!”

    Me: “I’m sure he did…this is dodgeball.”

    Mother: “I don’t get it.”

    Me: “You have to dodge balls. If you are hit with a ball in dodgeball, you are out.”

    Mother: “This is just stupid!” *leaves with her crying child*

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