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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    Teach A Customer To Wrap And She Can Wrap For Life

    | New York, NY, USA | Books & Reading

    (The bookstore I work in offers complimentary gift wrapping for customers. It’s a steady night at the bookstore and a woman approaches my register.)

    Me: “Hi, how are you?”

    Customer: “I need to get something gift wrapped.”

    Me: “Sure, do you have the receipt for it?”

    Customer: “No, I didn’t buy it here. I bought this from another store.”

    (She takes out box of perfume.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t wrap something you bought from another store. You’re going to have to buy your own gift wrapping paper and wrap it yourself.”

    (Ten minutes later, the woman returns to my register with wrapping paper in hand.)

    Customer: “Okay. Now can you TEACH me how to wrap it?”

    Illegalize Stupidity

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Food & Drink

    Guest #1: “What’s a Flaming Dr. Pepper?”

    Me: “It’s a shot of Amaretto topped with Bacardi 151 and set on fire. You drop it into half a beer and chug it. It tastes just like a Dr. Pepper.”

    Guest #1: “We’ll take two.”

    Me: “Sorry, since they’re on fire, we can’t serve them. It violates city fire code.”

    Guest #2: “C’mon, we want to try it.”

    (I explain that if they drink them at the bar in front of me I’ll allow it. I pour the half beers, the shot of Amaretto, and top it with the 151. I place all this in front of them and light the shots on fire.)

    Guest #1: “Now what?”

    Me: “Hold the beer in one hand and the shot in the other.”

    (They do so.)

    Me: “Now drop the shot.”

    Guest #1: “Drop the shot?”

    Me: “Drop the shot.”

    (Guest #2 drops the shot in the beer and begins to chug as instructed. Guest #1 misunderstands and drops the shot on the bar, spilling the now flaming shot all over the counter. The Bacardi, as well as the flames, spread. I put it out but it takes a few moments and it is a little frightening.)

    Me: “Now, do we know why they are illegal to serve?”

    And I Live On Mt. Soh-Cah-Doh-ah

    | Worcester, MA, USA | Extra Stupid

    Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [store], my name is Asia. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Asia! Like the country?”

    Me: “It’s a continent.”

    Customer: “Oh! I never was that good at geometry!”

    Every Bird And Bee’s Worst Nightmare

    | Sydney, Australia | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I’m serving a woman in an aisle when her daughter, about 3 or 4 years old, shows up behind me. She’s been hiding in the next aisle over and I’ve thus far been unaware of her presence.)

    Me: “Oh! Hi, sweetie! Where did you come from?”

    (She pauses and looks at me like I’m stupid.)

    Girl: “Mummy’s vagina?”

    Self-Fulfilling Animosity

    , | Minneapolis, MN, USA | At The Checkout

    (The store I work at does engravings on items people bring in. A woman comes in with a bag of name tags.)

    Customer: “How much would it be to get two of these engraved?”

    Me: “$22.”

    Customer: “What? Thats ridiculous! I just bought a bunch of wedding stuff here last week!”

    Me: “I’m sorry you don’t agree with the price. It’s not something I can change.”

    Customer: “Ugh! That’s just way too expensive! I’m never shopping here again after this! I just bought a bunch of wedding stuff here a few weeks ago!”

    Me: “How did your wedding order turn out?”

    Customer: “It was great. I loved it.”

    Me: “Good. So, are these name tags for your company?”

    Customer: “Yes, we have a customer service event on Thursday.”

    Me: “So your company is paying for the engraving, not you?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Then why are you so upset?”

    Customer: *blank look* “It’s Monday…”


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