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    3D Or Not, Time Is Still Linear

    | California, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I work in a box office at a movie theater.)

    Customer: “Is there a non-3D showing of Green Hornet at 6:45?”

    Me: “No, it’s at 8:00.”

    Customer: “When’s the next non-3D one?”

    Me: “8:00.”

    Customer: “There’s not one at 6:45?”

    Me: “No, it’s at 8:00.”

    Customer: “Oh…I looked up the 3D show instead of the regular one. So, wait, when’s the next non-3D showing of Green Hornet?”

    Me: “8:00…”

    Will Someone Please Think Of The Caviar

    | Ohio, USA | Liars & Scammers

    (A customer is calling in regarding a 5-day hold we have on his deposit of a personal check for $150,000. Note that in the 3 months he has been a customer, his account has been negative 60 times and has an average daily balance of $75.00—hence the hold.)

    Customer: “You need to give me all my money now! My family is starving. We have no money to pay for food! I am going to the local news and telling them about how you big banks are forcing us to starve to death!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we did give you $1000 of that deposit immediately. Due to the large amount of the check, you will have to wait for the hold to be lifted.”

    Customer: “But my children are starving! How can you be so cruel and starve children?!”

    Me: “Sir, we are your bank. I can see everything you have spent with your debit card, and I see you went to [upscale restaurant] and spent $250 last night on dinner.”

    Customer: “Well…the lobster was under-prepared. Do you really expect my children to be forced to eat like that?! This isn’t a third world country! What is wrong with you?? They are starving!”

    I Forgot To Remember To Forget

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (A customer hears an Elvis song playing and starts the following conversation with me.)

    Customer: “Oh, I love Elvis. He’s the best! Do you know who Elvis is?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, I do.”

    Customer: “Oh, I can’t believe you don’t know who Elvis is!”

    Me: “Uh…I said I do.”

    Customer: “Oh, you kids nowadays…don’t know any good music!”

    Me: *giving up* “Yeah, I guess not.”

    (Two days later, she comes in with a huge Elvis poster and asks for me at the register.)

    Customer: “Hey, where’s that foreign girl who doesn’t know who Elvis is?”

    Rushing: It’s All Relative

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | At The Checkout

    (Our company has a free membership cards, where people can collect points on their purchases that build towards discounts. Cashiers are required to ask all of our customers if they have a card.)

    Me: “Do you have one of our membership cards?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “All right, would you like to sign up for one today? They’re free, and they’ll eventually save you some money.”

    Customer: “No, no! I’m in a rush, so, never mind.”

    Me: “All right, your total is [total]”

    (The customer pays, but is no longer paying attention to me. Instead, she’s talking to her boyfriend, looking annoyed, and is visibly waving around one of our membership cards.)

    Customer’s Boyfriend: “You know that’s one of their cards, right?”

    Customer: “Is it? Oh, well is it too late to get my points?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, the transaction has already gone through, so yes it is. You can come in when you have some more time and I can do a point adjustment. I just have to refund and resell you your purchase.”

    Customer: “Well, can you do it now? We’re not in a rush…”

    The Height Of (Mt.) Misogyny

    | Manchester, UK | Bigotry, Top

    (I am a woman working at a shop that specializes in mountain climbing equipment. I happen to be very experienced when it comes to trekking, so often colleagues ask me to help people who are planning a mountain trek. My coworker is bringing a male customer over to me for trek-planning help.)

    Coworker: “And here’s [my name] now. She’s our expert when it comes mountain treks!”

    Male Customer: “Don’t be stupid.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Male Customer: “Girls don’t climb mountains.”

    Me: *laughs* “This girl does! Where are you hoping to climb?”

    Male Customer: “Well, I’m climbing the highest peak in the Atlas region.”

    Me: “Oh, Jebel Toubkal? Excellent, I did that last year. What time of year are you planning to go?”

    Male Customer: “I don’t believe you.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Male Customer: “Can you just bring back the man I spoke to first? I’m sure he’ll know more about it than you.”

    Me: “You think my male colleague, who specializes in camping, low-level trekking and biking, will be more equipped to help you than me, a woman who climbed the exact mountain you’re planning to climb?”

    Male Customer: “Yes.”

    (I fetch my coworker, who is forced to continue checking with me to see if what he is selling is okay. The worst part: my staff identification picture is of me at the summit of Jebel Toubkal!)

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