(A frequent customer comes in and tells me about her new job at a new gym.)

Customer: “Anyway, I was hoping you could put these fliers out on the registers to hand out to your customers?”

Me: “Sorry, but corporate doesn’t allow us to put out fliers for businesses that aren’t related to pet care.”

Customer: “Oh, I understand. Maybe you could keep them in the drawer and just hand them out to the fat customers?”

(A fairly regular customer, known for asking lots of questions about merchandise he had no intent of buying, wanders in to the electronic department.)

Customer: “What’s this?”

Me: “It lets you browse the internet on your TV instead of requiring a computer.”

Customer: *excited* “Really? Wow!”

Me: “Yep, and if you buy the optional keyboard, you can even use mit for email.”

Customer: “Email? I’ve heard a lot about that. What is it, exactly?”

Me: “Well, it’s kind of like regular mail. You type up a letter and send it off,
except it gets there instantly and there’s no postage.”

Customer: “Really? Wow! Does it do packages?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a mocha latte cappuccino.”

Me: “Okay, which one of those would you like?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, those are three different things. A mocha, a latte, or a cappuccino?”

Customer: “No, they’re not! That’s what I want!”

Me: “Ma’am, technically–”

Customer: “Just get me what my husband always orders!”

Me: “What does your husband always order?”

Customer: “You know, some…coffee thing!”

(The phone rings five minutes before the end of the school day.)

Parent: *very distressed* “You’ll have to help me, please help!”

Me: “What on earth has happened? How can I help?”

Parent: “It’s an emergency! There’s been a disaster! You have to help me!”

Me: “Calm down and tell me what has happened. I’ll do my best to help”.

Parent: “I can’t get there to pick up [name of her child]. It’s an emergency!”

Me: “Don’t worry about her, I’ll keep an eye on her here at school. She can come home with me if need be. Is there anything else can do? What has happened?”

Parent: “It’s my hair, it’s turned out orange!”

(A customer is running around the perennial section like a maniac.)

Me: “Is everything okay, ma’am?”

Customer: “The bees!  They’re chasing me!”

Me: “They really won’t bother you, ma’am. They’re too interested in the flowers to pay much attention to you.”

Customer: “That’s easy for you to say! The bees KNOW you!”