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    This Shall Henceforth Be Called Squirrelling

    | Illinois, USA |

    (We had rearranged the store recently so regulars were having trouble finding things. One of our regular customer comes in, looks around confused. I walk up to them.)

    Me: “Can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “So, where did you hide your nuts?”

    (I nearly explode trying not to burst into laughter as I show him where they were moved to.)

    Be Prepared For Explosive Flavor

    | Davenport, IA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I’m eating in the mall food court when I see an angry man approaches a security guard. It looks serious, so I try to listen to their conversation. I only hear a few fragments.)

    Angry guy: “Security alert…suspicious item…chemical spill…At other places, the security staff works in conjunction with the local police, bomb squad, and haz-mat team! [Nearby military base] is pretty high on al-Qaeda’s list of targets. I don’t feel safe at all!”

    (The angry guy stomps off. I’m a little worried at this point, so I walk up to the security guard.)

    Me: “What’s going on?”

    Security guard: “Nothing. Somebody left an open can of Coke in the middle of the floor.”

    This Cheese Has Been Around

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    (I’ve been helping this customer for about two minutes.)

    Me: “Can I get you anything else?”

    Customer: “Yes, give me half a pound of the philandering cheese.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “The philandering cheese!”

    Me: “Uh, which one?”

    Customer: “The philandering Swiss cheese!”

    (She points at the wall behind the counter where we display the cheeses. I turn around and immediately realize which cheese she means.)

    Me: “Oh, Finlandia Swiss!”

    Customer: “That’s what I said! Philandering Swiss!”

    Related:
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    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 5
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 5
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 4
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 3
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

    Not Exactly The Sweetest Customer

    | Toronto, Canada | At The Checkout, Food & Drink

    (My store has a brand of cookies on sale for half price. On the shelf above them is a smaller pack of the same brand that is not on sale).

    Customer: “Excuse me, why do these bigger cookies cost less than these small ones?”

    Me: “Those cookies are on sale this week. They usually cost more.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know they’re on sale, but why doesn’t the smaller pack cost less?”

    Me: “Only the cookies in the larger size are on sale. The other ones are at regular price.”

    Customer: “But aren’t they the same?”

    Me: “Yes they’re the same brand, but only the larger size is on sale.”

    (At this point, the customer grabs hold of my arm.)

    Customer: “Yes, but why are the bigger ones cheaper? That’s more sugar! If you have too much sugar you can get diabetes! It’s not healthy!”

    Me: “Um, sorry?”

    Customer: “I don’t want to buy the bigger pack. I just want the smaller one. It’s too much sugar for me. Why should I have to buy the bigger one?”

    Me: “Er, well, you don’t HAVE to buy the bigger one.”

    (The customer sighs, shakes his head, and grabs the bigger pack of cookies. He leaves muttering about how everything has so much sugar in it.)

    When In Rome (Or China)

    | China | Tourists/Travel

    (I am on a small group tour of China. One of the other tourists has been grumpy and loudly complaining all week. At the moment, he’s complaining to the Chinese tour guide.)

    Tourist: “There were no English channels on the TV. I ended up watching the basketball game, but because there wasn’t an English commentary I listened to my mp3 player to drown out the horrible sound of the Chinese commentary.”

    Tour guide: *speechless*

    Tourist: “And you really should tell them to get some English newspapers in their hotels if they want people to stay here!”

    (At this point, I’m fed up with hearing him complain.)

    Me: “You’re in China. Of course things are in their language. If you want to read the newspaper, get a Chinese to English dictionary.”

    Tourist: “Why would I want to read Chinese?!”


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