Customer: “Excuse me, can I buy three tickets?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we’re sold out.”

Customer: “Isn’t this [town] High School?”

Me: “Yes, but this show is sold out.”

Customer: “How many seats are left?”

Me: “None. We’re sold out. There’s another show tomorrow at–

Customer: “Well, next time you should think about being already sold out before you start selling tickets!”

(An old woman comes into the store, looking very distressed.)

Customer: “Have you seen my cat?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “He looks like this.” *holds up a badly drawn picture* “I got my grandson to draw me it.”

Me: “I don’t think you’ll find your lost cat with that picture.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “It’s a dog.”

Customer: “Oh. But can you put this up in your shop window for me though? Just give him some pointy ears.”

(I get a call from a client about a wedding package I am designing.)

Me: “Hello! Have you finalized your color scheme?”

Client: “Well no.” *begins sobbing* “We had a fight, and I called off the wedding. I don’t need the invitations.”

Me: “Ah. I’m very sorry to hear this, ma’am. I’ll waive my fees. Don’t worry about paying me.”

Client: “No, I’ll pay for your work. I was wondering if you could change the text, though.”

Me: “To what?”

Client: “It has to say ‘You’re Invited To [Ex-Fiance's] Funeral’. And I’m thinking a hideously bright pink.”

(I set up temporary redirections for customer’s mail after a house move whilst they get around to telling people that they’ve moved.)

Me: “How long would you like us to redirect your mail for?”

Customer: “Until everybody knows I’ve moved.”

Me: “Well, how long do you think it will take you to tell everyone?”

Customer: “Me tell everyone?  Don’t you do that for me?”

Me: “Sorry, but that’s up to you. We don’t know who writes to you.”

Customer: “Well you should! You deliver the letters to me!”

(Note: I am of Asian descent.)

Me: “Good morning!” *starts scanning groceries*

Customer: “Ni hao!”

Me: “Oh, I’m not Chinese.”

Customer: “Konnichiwa!”

Me: “I’m not–”

Customer: “Shalom!”

Me: “Sir, that’s not even–”

Customer: “Namaste!”

*silence*

Customer: “I know so many languages! So many!”