(A female comes into the bar and asks to use the toilets.)

Me: “Sorry, toilets are for customer use only.”

Her: “I just started my period. If you don’t let me use the toilet, I’m going to bleed all over your floor.”

Me: “First door on the left.”

Man on phone: “Hi, I don’t think this DVD is working properly.”

Me: “What happened, exactly?”

Man on phone: “We put it in and it plays, but the movie is only a couple minutes long and then it starts over again.”

Me: “Are there any words on the screen?”

Man on phone: “Yes. The title of the movie and some other things.”

Me: “Is there a word that says Play or Play Movie?”

Man on phone: “Yes.”

Me: “Just hit the play button on you remote control or DVD player.”

Man on phone: “Wow! Thanks! It’s doing something else now. I just thought it was a short movie.”

Customer: “Yo, I need some headphones!”

Me: “Over by the windows are where we keep the headphones. Have a look and let me know if you have any questions.”

Customer: “Well, which ones should I buy?”

Me: “Well, I tend to recommend Sony. They’re a little pricier, but the sound quality and durability are far better.”

Customer: “I got money! Hold on.” *pulls out a fat wad of cash and starts counting it* “One hundred, two hundred. Yeah, I think I got enough.”

Me: *smelling booze off him and realizing he’s drunk* “So would you like to go with a Sony, then?”

Customer: “You like my coat?”

Me: “What? Um, yes, it’s a very nice coat.”

Customer: “Smell it. It’s real leather. Here.” *holds out coat*

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Sir, I do not want to smell your coat.”

Customer: “C’mon it’s a nice coat. I paid 175 dollars for that sh*t, ON SALE!”

Me: *hesitates, but smells the coat* “Yes. It’s a very nice coat. Did you want to go with a Sony then?” *I notice my coworkers beginning to laugh*

Customer: “Maaaaaaaan. C’mon. I got this nice coat, this cash. Maybe if I take some skin off my nose and put it on my d**k…” *stumbles around*

Me: *walks away*

Coworker:: “What did he say to you? I saw that he was bothering you, so I called security.” *phone rings*

Me: “Hello?”

Store Security: “Hey, this is store security checking in. I’ve been watching this guy over the security cameras.”

Me: “It’s okay, he left. I think he was drunk.”

Store Security: *sort of laughing* “Yeah yeah, I know. Um….. Did he ask you to smell his COAT?”

Me: *laughing hysterically*

Me: “Thank you for calling The UPS Store, this is Rick speaking, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, hi. I need to find out how much it will be to send something to Iowa.”

Me: “I’d be happy to get you an estimate on shipping. Could I get the dimensions and weight of the box as well as the ZIP code of the destination?”

Caller: “Yeah, it’s probably about 10 pounds, and about this big.”

Me: “Well, I need a ZIP code for the destination, but you didn’t really give me the dimensions of the box.”

Caller: “The ZIP code is 51365, and it’s about this big.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see your hands, so you’ll have to give me some sort of numeric dimension to work with.”

Caller: “Oh, let me get a ruler–” *click*

Me: *sigh*

Customer in the store who overheard the phone conversation: “Are you serious?!”

Related:
Paging Miss Cleo
Egocentrism Meets Geocentrism
You Be Telepathic So I Can Be Lazy
(Telepathic) Help Wanted

Customer: *hands over US Currency while trying to buy a T-Shirt*

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t take US Currency. We do, however take debit, all major credit card–”

Customer: *cuts me off* “Why the hell can’t you take my money?! This is the U. S. OF A!”

Me: “No sir, this is the Yukon Territory, in Canada.”

Customer: “No it’s not! This is the USA! Alaska! I’ve been driving on the Alaska Highway for hours so that makes this Alaska!”

Me: “No sir. This is the Yukon…we’re part of Canada…the Alaska Highway LEADS to Alaska and–”

Customer: *again, cutting me off* “Don’t you ever look at a map?! The Yukon is IN Alaska, and that’s part of the United States! You HAVE to take my money!”

Me: “The Yukon is part of Canada, we are NEXT to Alaska, which is part of the United States…”

(The customer gets angry, slams his item on the counter and storms out, muttering something about “stupid kids.”)

(At the store where I used to work, most of our bags didn’t have handles. Only the largest size did. A woman was buying a greeting card, which, after scanning, I gave to her in a small paper
bag.)

Woman: “Don’t you have any bags with handles?”

Me: “I’m sorry. The only bags we have with handles are these big ones.”

(I show her the large bag with handles.)

Woman: “Well THAT’S stupid!”

(She then proceeded to call a few other things stupid.)

Woman: “Fine, just give me the bag without handles.”

Me: “Do you want your receipt?”

Woman, looking at me as in disbelief: “NO, I don’t want a RECEIPT!”

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Woman: “Well…you…DON’T have a nice day!”

(…so it was my job to exchange prizes for tickets. A customer comes up to me and I count their tickets.)

Me: “You have 24 tickets.”

(Customer looks around at prizes.)

Customer: “How much is that remote control car?”

Me: “That’s 600 tickets. You should probably look at the smaller prizes you can afford, like the rings and rubber snakes. They are only two tickets each.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll take that lava lamp.”

Me: “I’m sorry, the lava lamp is 14,000 tickets and you have 24 so I highly suggest looking at cheaper prizes like these rubber snakes.”

(Customer finally decides he needs to go get more tickets and returns to playing games. Another customer approaches and I count their tickets.)

Me: “You have 650 tickets.”

Another Customer: “Okay, I’d like 80 of the snakes but only red and green ones.”

Me: “Wouldn’t you prefer a remote control car or this water gun?”

Another Customer: “No, I want snakes!”

(I was a waiter at a 50’s style dinner in a mall restaurant where a customer asked me to turn the heat up.)

Customer: “It’s a little cold in here. Could you turn the heat up?”

Me: “I would love to, but the restaurant is open to the mall and we have no control over the mall temperature.”

Customer: “Could you please just try?”

Me: “I would love to but there is no way–”

Customer: “I would really appreciate it if you would just try.”

Me: “I’ll be right back and see what I can do.”

(I then proceed to walk into the back house and munch on some onion rings. After a few minutes pass, I walk out.)

Me: “How’s that?”

Customer: “Much better!”

(Holding a large box of straws, I walk out towards the customers side of the registers during lunch time at a busy shopping center fast food restaurant, to refill all the straw holders.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir…”

(I walk up beside the customer, but still giving him some space despite the fact it was busy and crowded.)

Angry Customer: “To hell with that c**p, Why do you get to go first? I’ve been waiting here for TEN MINUTES!”

Me: “I’m just…”

Angry Customer: “You’re just impatient, thats your problem, wait in line like the rest of us.”

(A lot of other customers were staring at him, he had clearly not even realized I was in uniform.)

Me: “Sorry sir, I work here and I need to refill these straws, a lady complained before because all the straw holders had run out.”

Angry Customer: “Well why are you doing that NOW? Couldn’t you have picked a better time to do it?! I lined up here and all I want is a lousy meal and your in my way…” *continues on and on*

Me: “Look, it’s our policy to not hand out straws because of hygiene reasons, so I must refill the straws so the customers can take them themselves so they can you know, drink?”

Angry Customer, loudly: “You’re very rude. I want to talk to your manager immediately!”

Me, sarcastically, as he had not noticed *MANAGER* on my name badge: “Hi, I am the manager on duty. My name is ****. What seems to be the problem?”

(Other customers nearby giggle/laugh.)

Angry Customer: “Well thats just f**king great, what a piece of s**t place anyway. F**k!”

(Angry customer storms off after wasting about 15 minutes of his life over some straws.)

(I have a reputation of knowing good movies. Some customers got into the habit of just coming in and asking me what they should watch…especially when they wanted to seem intellectual. One customer was an a** one day so I gave him a Russian movie that was slow, boring and pretentious. He returned the movie about a week later.)

Me: “How’d you like it?”

Customer: “Man, you dropped the ball on this one. It sucked. Took me three nights to get through it. I kept falling asleep. I hate to have to pay this much money for it.”

Me: “Wow, I’m surprised. I don’t recommend it to a lot of people because I don’t think they’ll catch the subtle subtext in the imagery.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah…the meat of the story is really in the shot composition, the use of color and the things that remain unsaid. It gets past a lot of people but I thought you would have caught that and enjoyed the message.”

Customer: “You know, don’t check that in yet. I’ll take it back and watch it again.”