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    F Off, Love Ryan

    Guaranteed To Shut Anyone Up

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Language & Words, Top

    (I am an EFL teacher and self-published writer. I am an English major and in several classes focusing on the history and structure of the English language. I am paying my way by working at a call center. I get a caller who sounds reasonably educated.)

    Caller: “I want you to tell me if there is a guarantee on this product.”

    Me: “I know, sir, but to cont—”

    Caller: “Tell me about the guarantee before we get anywhere else.”

    Me: “I’ve given you the information on my sidebar, sir. To get further details I need to advance the screen so can you just give me your name—”

    Caller: “Just tell me about the guarantee! Guarantee: Latin for get your money back!”

    Me: “Latinate.”

    Caller: “Pardon me?”

    Me: “It’s Latinate, not Latin. We acquired it from the French. Probably Parisian French but I’m not sure in that. Warranty actually comes from the same word, but Norman French has the W sound and other types of French don’t usually. Probably because the Normans were a bunch of Norse Viking types the French gave some land to in order not to be pillaged. The Normans invaded and conquered England and tried to obliterate the English language but only managed to get a bunch of words added. When the English invaded and conquered France a couple of hundred years later, they got the Parisian version of the word with the GU sound. This is why warranty has a more official and stronger meaning than guarantee.”

    Caller: “Uh…”

    Me: “Now, I have a specific script the client requires us to read about the guarantee. It is important that I read precisely the words they chose without interpretation. To get to that script, I need to process the first screen as if I am taking an order. I am not allowed to read from memory. If you choose not to order, then I just cancel it out and there is no order placed. Can I get your information now, sir?”

    Caller: *much calmer* “All right…”

    Demanding Bacon And Acting Like A Pig

    , | Adelaide, SA, Australia | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Wild & Unruly

    (I am working drive-thru just before close, and my dad and little sisters are waiting in the dining room for me to finish. My brother also works with me. A customer pulls up; I notice him and his friends are all drinking alcohol.)

    Customer: “Can I please have a burger with bacon?”

    Me: “Sure, that will be [price].”

    (Customer pays and drives to the last window, which I let the manager know over the headset he is drinking and may want to inform the police. As this is my last car, I go and get changed and head home. I walk past the drive-thru window and start to head to the dining room.)

    Customer: “Oi! You! I said I wanted f***ing bacon!”

    (Clearly intoxicated, he gets out of his car and JUMPS through the drive-thru window with his beer and burger, where my manager and brother try and grab him. He smashes the beer over my manager’s head and into the fry station. My dad quickly calls the police and ambulance and grabs the guy. His friends drive off leaving him there, with my dad holding him down. Meanwhile, the manager has recovered and walks over to my dad.)

    Manager: “Thanks, mate! You can have a free meal for your whole family next time you’re in here!”

    How To Train Your Dragon Loving Child

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Awesome Workers, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I’m a customer at a bookshop. As I’m browsing, I overhear a nearby mother spending five minutes patiently explaining to her young daughter that dragons aren’t real. The daughter is only about 3 or 4.)

    Mother: “For the last time, they’re just made up! For fun! They don’t actually exist!”

    Daughter: “But they’re in this book! Look!”

    Mother: “Oh, for… I’ve already explained this. Come on, we’re leaving.”

    Daughter: “Can I buy the dragon book?”

    Mother: “Of course not! That’s the last thing I need.”

    (They make their way over to the cash register, where the mother pays for a few books. The daughter looks up at the salesman with big eyes.)

    Daughter: “Excuse me, mister. Are dragons real?”

    Salesman: *leans in close* “Well, that’s what we have to tell you.”

    (The daughter’s face lights up instantly and the mother lets out an exasperated sigh. That man just made my day, and the day of a tiny little girl who loves dragons.)

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