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    Function Begets Purpose

    | Copaigue, NY, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I am ringing up a couple of younger woman when one shows me an item.)

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “Do you know if this blends?” *holds up blender*

    The Answer To Life, The Universe, And Everything

    | Arizona, USA | Bizarre, Geeks Rule

    (We greet customers as they come in and answer questions they may have. A man comes in with his wife and comes over to me.)

    Me: “Did you have a question, sir?”

    Customer: “So what have you heard about woodchucks?”

    (I’m completely confused, so I try to just play along.)

    Me: “I hear they chuck wood.”

    (The customer begins to scowl at me, actually looking offended and disgusted with my answer. He then asks me a few questions about some of our products before heading off to shop.)

    Customer: *cryptically* “And you keep thinking about those woodchucks…”

    (He returns later and I am the cashier to take care of him. He brings up the woodchuck thing again as he’s about to leave.)

    Customer: “I’ve only had one person, this old man—a veteran—answer me correctly. He told me…42.”

    The Kitchen Chainsaw Massacre

    | Toronto, Canada | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Oftentimes, customers want free advice on the phone on what to do in order to save on getting an estimate or a inspection.)

    Caller: “I need advice on something. Let’s say I have a big wall dividing the kitchen and the dinning room, but I want to open it up so I have a big room. Can I do that?”

    Me: “Well, probably, but there might be complications. For example, if you have a load bearing wall, we’d need to set it up so that the load is distributed differently. Not to mention, there are pipes and wires you need to worry about. Really, we’d need to send someone out to look it over, sir. It’s not really something we can tell you over the phone without seeing it first.”

    Caller: “No, no. I got what I needed.”

    Me: “Uh, okay.”

    (He then hangs up. One week later, he calls back.)

    Caller: “I’m going to sue you. I’m going to sue the living heck out of your business. You ruined my life.”

    Me: “What? What’s going on? Who is this?”

    Caller: “I called for advice. You said I could remove my wall in between my kitchen and dinning room. Well, I did. I cut it out with my chainsaw and everything was fine until my ceiling caved in. And you know what’s above my kitchen? The upstairs bath room. The bathtub fell through and I had to turn off the water because it damaged my pipes. Now, who’s gonna pay for that?”

    Not Firmly Rooted In Reality

    | Vermont, USA |

    (I work at a “cut your own” Christmas tree farm.)

    Customer: “Are these locally grown?”

    Threaten Differently

    | USA | Technology, Top

    (A customer is calling because iTunes can’t detect her new iPad. I pick up the phone and she speaks immediately.)

    Customer: “I swear that if, at any point in this conversation, you tell me to buy a Mac, I will find you and kill you.”

    Me: “Okay, well, I’m not telling you to buy a Mac, but you should know that they cut back on compatibility issues and-”

    Customer: “Don’t do it. Just stop now. Make the PC work. I believe in you.”


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