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    Leave Out The Leaves And Leave

    | Chapel Hill, NC, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I am serving a middle-aged woman and her partner. I can tell as soon as I take drink orders that this is going to be an interesting table. After altering and modifying her entrée in every way possible, the woman decides to order a side salad.)

    Customer: “…and I want a side salad, lettuce, cheese and onions only!”

    Me: “No problem, ma’am. I’ll go ahead and put your order in.”

    (A little while later, I bring out the salad and their entrees. The salad is comprised of mixed greens, shredded cheese, and onions. The woman takes one look at her salad and is clearly displeased.)

    Customer: “What is this?! These are leaves!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what seems to be the problem with the salad?”

    Customer: “These are leaves! You gave me leaves! Leaves! I’m not a pig! Pigs eat leaves! I’m a human! I’m a country gal and when I order a salad with PLAIN LETTUCE, I don’t want no leaves!”

    (At this point, her partner seems extremely embarrassed, but doesn’t say anything.)

    Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. I can replace the salad for you if you’d like.”

    Customer: “No! It’s too late! You’ve ruined my night! Just go!”

    (I leave them to their dinners, unsure of how to remedy the “leaves” situation. When I check on them a little bit later, the woman is still very upset about the salad. I offer to get my manager and she accepts.)

    Manager: “Hello, ladies, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “Why are you smilin’?! Do you see me smilin’?! This isn’t a joke! And that waitress! She smiles too much, too! I’m just a country gal who wants some plain lettuce!”

    (In the end, the “leaves” get taken off her bill. At least she left a decent tip!)

    Square Plug Into A Round Hole

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Technology

    Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I’d like to take this plug and put it into that socket.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. What is the shape and color of the plug and socket?”

    Caller: “The plug is blue and square-shaped and the socket is a blue circle.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it doesn’t look like those plugs are compatible.”

    Caller: “That’s not right. They’re both blue.”

    Me: “Yes, but the plug is square and the socket is a circle. Square plugs usually won’t fit into a circle-shaped socket.”

    Caller: “But they’re both blue and conduct electricity from this local area. That doesn’t make sense!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t help you do what you want to do. You need a square-shaped socket for it to happen.”

    Caller: “Really? I’m not so sure you’re right. You sound rather confused, actually…”

    Idiot, Imbecile, Moron

    | Platteville, WI, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Customer: “Do you have any synonym?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “SYNONYM!”

    Me: “Do you mean cinnamon?”

    Customer: “No! God! They should have an I.Q. test before hiring people!” *storms away*

    They’re A Fungus Among Us

    | Texas, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m a cashier at a grocery store and a customer comes in to return an item.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I need to return these mushrooms.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, was there something wrong with them?”

    Customer: “Yes, they’re a fungus!”

    Me: “Oh, they have something growing on them?”

    Customer: “No! They are a fungus. I’m not eating any fungus!”

    A Cheerful Earful

    | Portland, OR, USA | At The Checkout

    (I have been helping a customer sort out an order and have escorted her to the cashier. I hand her over with a smile and the cashier greets her with a smile.)

    Customer: “Everyone here is so cheerful! You are all so very cheerful!”

    Me: “Yes, well, we enjoy nice customers like you!”

    Customer: “God almighty, what do they feed you?! CHEERFUL Kool-Aid?!”

    (The cashier and I continue to smile while the customer pays. As she leaves…)

    Customer: “So cheerful…so cheerful…SO CHEERFUL!”

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