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  • August Theme Of The Month: Best. Customer. Ever!

    Dinosaur-Brained

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Family & Kids, History, Pets & Animals, Top

    Customer: “Excuse me, will my son like this for his birthday? He loves dinosaurs.”

    (I examine the gift; it’s a set of various plastic fossils.)

    Me: “Well, it depends on how into dinosaurs he is. If he just thinks they’re cool, then it’ll be fine. If he’s into palaeontology at all, though, he’ll be disappointed because none of those are actually dinosaurs.”

    Customer: “What? Don’t be stupid! He loves dinosaurs! I know what a dinosaur is!”

    Me: “Well, right there you have a Pterodactyl, two Synapsids including the famous Dimetrodon, a Plesiosaur, and a Tiktaalik. None of those are dinosaurs. They’re not even all reptiles, or Mesozoic.”

    Customer: “What do you know? God, you kids these days are so rude! I know what a dinosaur is.”

    (She buys the toy set and leaves in a huff. A week later, I’m working as a cashier when she comes back.)

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to return this.” *shows me the very same fossil toy set*

    Me: “Oh, yes, I remember. Would you like me to help you find a dinosaur toy to get instead?”

    Customer: “You? God! Look, missy, he just didn’t like them because they weren’t scientifically accurate, okay? These are dinosaurs! They lived a thousand years ago! Do you think I’m stupid!?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you clearly are just as intelligent as you present yourself to be.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m glad you realise it.”

    Taiwannical Behavior

    | Taiwan | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Language & Words

    (I’m browsing in a bookstore in Taiwan, when I notice two Caucasian customers looking in the Young Teenage Girls section and laughing.)

    Customer: *to his friend, in English* “Watch this.”

    (He grabs a random book and hands it to an employee.)

    Employee: *in somewhat broken English* “Can… I… help you?”

    Customer: “Yes. I should like that you would exemplify the thesis behind the philosophies illustrated in this literature.”

    (I’m looking at them now, rolling my eyes, but the pair are having a good time of it and don’t notice me. The employee is very confused and mutters in English as best he can.)

    Employee: “Eh… uhh… sorry?”

    Man: *gesturing as he speaks* “You. Need to. Exemplify. The. Theories. Of the. Thesis. As manifest. In this literature.”

    (It’s obvious the customer has no idea what he himself is saying, and is just having a laugh at the employee’s expense. The other guy with him has a wide grin on his face like he’s thoroughly enjoying the exchange. I’ve had enough, so I go to the employee, take the book out of his hands, turn to the synopsis given on the back cover and turn to the two guys.)

    Me: *in perfect English* “A girl’s parents have just divorced and the father moves her to a new school. She’s having difficulty adjusting to a new environment and life as a young woman and the changes to her body as he matures. Because she’s new, she’s having a difficult time telling anyone about it and doesn’t know how to tell her father about the various changes she is experiencing with her body. She falls for a popular boy, but she’s new and awkward and nobody likes her. Eventually, she contemplates suicide.”

    (The two customers are staring at me like I’ve got ten heads. I decide to rub it in a little further.)

    Me: “What the h*** is this? You managed to find the girliest book in here!”

    Customer: *opens his mouth, as if to say something*

    Me: “Where’re you from?”

    Man: “Uh, uh, uh, uh… CANADA!”

    (Embarrassed, he and his friend dash out of the store.)

    Me: *to the employee in Mandarin* “They were just screwing with you. There’s only one thing you need to know in English if something like that ever happens again: you tell them:” *in English* “F*** off!”

    January 2013 Top Story Roundup

    Not Always Right | Roundups

    January 2013 Top Story Roundup: Here are Not Always Right’s top-rated stories for the month of January!

    1. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Powers (4,458 thumbs up)
    2. Setting Mother Straight (4,161 thumbs up)
    3. This Boss Gets More Than Just The Check (4,039 thumbs up)
    4. Fighting Hate Is Everyone’s Job (3,653 thumbs up)
    5. Paging Insecurity (3,427 thumbs up)

    PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news!

    PS #2: Read more roundups here!

    Wales Is A Country Too

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Language & Words, Pets & Animals

    (The marine park where I work features a show starring beluga whales.)

    Guest: *runs up* “I need to find Belgium stadium!”

    Me: “I would be happy to help… what are you looking for again?”

    Guest: “BELGIUM STADIUM!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have a Belgium stadium. Belgium is a country in Europe.”

    Guest: “But I need to find Belgium Stadium! The show is about to start!”

    Me: *dawns on me* “Oh, do you mean Beluga Stadium? Like the big white whales?”

    Guest: “What the heck is a beluga? I want to see Belgiums!”

    Me: *gives up* “Right this way, sir…”

    If They Were Loud Then Pigs Would Fly

    | Layton, UT, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Top

    (My two friends and I are customers at a popular nationwide diner chain. It is around 1 am, and we are seated near a corner table, where three loud, obnoxious diners are seated with a sleeping infant in an open carrier. I am seated with my back to them and my two friends and are, for the most part, successfully ignoring them and quietly talking amongst ourselves. The only other customers in the restaurant are two twenty-something’s seated at a small table directly across the aisle from us doing nothing but reading and trying to ignore the obnoxious diners who are using some fairly vulgar language as they complain about their days. Not surprisingly, their loud cursing wakes up their infant. A few moments later, I feel something hit the back of my neck.)

    Me: *under my breath* “What the…” *reaching up to take the projectile off the back of my neck*

    Friend: “What is that?”

    Me: “…it’s bacon.”

    (Thinking the increasingly-upset child behind me had grabbed something off the diner’s plate and accidentally thrown it my way as its parents tried unsuccessfully to calm it, I set aside the bacon from the table behind me and continued trying to ignore the loud diners behind us, as they did not directly address us after the bacon had hit me. Five or ten minutes pass.)

    Loud female diner: *as she walks by our table* “THANKS FOR BEING LOUD!”

    (Her two male friends both give us dirty looks as they pass us and walk towards the front register. We sit and stare in stunned silence. As the lady with the baby pays, we watch her rant to our exhausted waitress and pointing to us. When they finally leave, our waitress came over to us.)

    Me: “What was that all about?!”

    Waitress: “They apparently were blaming you for waking up their baby.”

    Reading customer: “For what it’s worth, we didn’t even realize you guys were there until they yelled at you!”

    Me: “You may want to watch out for them if they come back. They started throwing their bacon at me.”

    Waitress: *stunned* “I hate the night shift.”

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