Me: “Hello, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Yeah, can I get a piece of candy?”

Me:  “Sure, that’s one dollar.”

Customer:  “Oh. I only have a five.” *starts walking away*

Me: “Excuse me, Ma’am? I said it’s only a dollar.”

Customer: “I know. Why would I waste four dollars?”

Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 2
This Is Why We’re In A Recession

(A patron had an item due back at 3:59 pm, so that read as ‘03:59 pm’. They returned it around 3 pm.)

Patron: “I don’t know what time this was due at. I can’t read army time.”

Me: “We don’t use military time. Where were you seeing it at?”

Patron: “Right here on the receipt, it says ‘13:59 pm’.”

Me: “It says 03:59 pm. Just drop the zero.”

Patron: “No, army time is harder than that.”

Me: “If it was due back at 13:59, it would’ve been due back at 1:59 pm.”

Patron: “So, I’m late?”

Me: “No, because we don’t use military time. Plus, that’s still not proper military time formatting. All you have to do on our receipts is drop that zero and you have the normal time.”

Patron: “Oh! I get it now! So if I drop the one, then I get the correct time from army time?”

Me: “That’s not military time or a one.”

Patron: “I’m glad to know how army time works now!”

Related:
Military Intelligence, Part 5
Military Intelligence, Part 4
Military Intelligence, Part 3
Military Intelligence, Part 2
Military Intelligence, Part 1

(A customer comes in with four boxes of our crystal product. They are all broken and foggy.)

Me: “Oh no, what happened to these?”

Customer: “I just tried cleaning them and they all broke!”

Me: “How did you clean these?”

Customer: ” I put them in my dishwasher, of course!”

Me: “Ma’am, these are very delicate crystal figurines. They shouldn’t even be put in water.”

Customer: “Oh, please! Like I’m going to bother cleaning them myself!”

(We take electronics and recycle them for people.)

Me: “Thank you for calling! How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, do you recycle clothes?”

Me: “Clothes? No, we only take electronics. You should try the homeless charity across the street.”

Caller: “I don’t want to give them to homeless people. I just want to recycle them!”

Customer: “I received an cell phone case in the mail today. You sent the wrong item.”

Me: “It looks like you ordered a neon green silicone case for 50 cents and shipping was $2.00. What did you receive?”

Customer: “A bright green phone case.”

Me: “What is the problem with it?”

Customer: “So the $2.50 wasn’t for a phone?”