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    Watch What You Say

    | New York, NY, USA | Top

    (I am the manager on duty for a well-known high-end jewelry store during the weekend.)

    Employee: “You have to come out and see this customer now.”

    Me: “What’s the matter?”

    Employee: “She is becoming belligerent because I told her we have to send her watch to be fixed. She’s causing a scene and other customers are complaining. She is insistent that she needs it now.”

    (I go out to talk to the customer.)

    Me: “Hello, my name is [name]. What seems to be the issue?”

    Customer: “I have been waiting a f***ing hour! Your stupid representative told me that my watch isn’t working any more; it was working when I walked in!”

    Me: “Let me have a look at it, please.”

    (I proceed to touch her beat down and heavily abused watch and begin winding the crown.)

    Customer: “Do you even know how to work a watch?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I have been with (company) for several years. I assure you I can work a crown and pin mechanism on a quartz watch.”

    Customer: “I wasn’t trying to be condescending!”

    Me: “That’s fine.”

    (We proceed to go back and forth for a few minutes. I decide to refund her money and send her on her way. By now, her mood has changed from angry to happy.)

    Customer: “Oh, you’re just so wonderful! You are the absolute best! I am going to write a recommendation letter to your director and put my ‘ESQ’ after my name.” *smugly* “I’m a lawyer, you know.”

    Me: “Oh, I’ve got my own lawyer, thanks. My husband works for [huge NYC law firm].”

    Customer: *stunned* “Uh…I also work for [same firm]. Who is your husband?”

    Me: “He’s in Litigation. His name is [husband's name].”

    (Suddenly, the customer’s jaw drops and all color leaves her face.)

    Customer: “He’s your husband? Um…he supervises all my work.”

    Me: “Does he now? Well, well, what a small world!”

    Customer: “I…uh…am a temp attorney and am trying to get a permanent job at the firm. He is…wow…he’s really smart and brilliant and…um…you are so beautiful and intelligent…you make such an elegant couple!”

    Me: “Thank you. Anyway, here’s my business card should you need to follow up regarding your watch.”

    Customer: “Oh, I know I have a business card somewhere, too.”

    Me: “Oh, don’t you worry; I will most definitely remember your name. I’ll make sure to let my husband know you send your regards.”

    Customer: *turns bright red and slinks away*

    The Other Other Woman

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Spouses & Partners

    (A couple, about mid-30s, comes up to the counter. The man has an account, but no card or ID on him. Her name is apparently on the account, though. Asking for his name, I pull up his account. As she’s fishing in her purse for ID, I look at his account. There are two women’s names on the account.)

    Me: “Ah, so you must be [first female's first name]?”

    (Suddenly, the wife fires off a hateful look at her husband.)

    Wife, to husband: “I thought you took your ex-wife’s name off the account!”

    Me: “Oh geez, I’m sorry. He probably just added you, not realizing her name was still on there. You must be [second female's first name].”

    (She gives me an ice cold stare.)

    Wife: “NO, I’M NOT!” *storms out*

    Him: “Well, guess these are for me, then.” *rents the movies and leaves, blushing redder than an apple*

    Language Barrage, Intelligence Mirage

    | Joplin, MO, USA | Language & Words

    (I work in the box office of a movie theater. A teenage girl comes up and asks me about Angelina Jolie’s new movie.)

    Me: “Hello, welcome to [theater]. What can I get for you?”

    Customer: “What’s the movie Salt about?”

    Me: “Well, it’s got Angelina Jolie in it and it’s about espionage.

    (A very confused looked crosses the girl’s face while she processes what I’ve said for several seconds. She’s clearly hung up on the word “espionage”.)

    Customer: “Oh…so it’s in Spanish?”

    It Pays To Be Correct

    | South Carolina, USA | Money

    (I work at a popular tax office. One day, a woman in her 30s, whose taxes I had done the year before, comes in to file. Once we finish entering her information, I tell her how much she would be getting in her refund, which is substantial.)

    Me: “So, your state return is $1,570, and your federal is $4,900, for a total of $6,470.”

    Customer: “That can’t be right.”

    Me: “Do you have another W-2 or 1099 that you need to add?”

    Customer: “No, I mean that’s too much money.”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: “I only got $300 last year, so I think you did my taxes wrong.”

    Me: “Mrs. [name], I assure you I did them right. You also did get a better job last year, got married, and had a child. All of those things qualified you for credits and a higher refund.”

    Customer: “No, No, NO! You did it WRONG and I am not going to JAIL because you are INCOMPETENT!” *grabs her purse and walks out, leaving all her tax documents behind*

    (My manager later told me that the customer had come back for her tax documents. She said she had done her taxes online herself, and was getting less than $1000.)

    Now, Wait Just A New York Minute

    | USA | Extra Stupid

    (I work in a call center taking customer care calls for cell phones.)

    Me: “Welcome to [store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I am going to Ireland and I want to know the per minute rate.”

    Me: “Yes, thats no problem. The per minute rate to Ireland is $0.99 per minute.”

    Customer: “Is that an Irish minute or an American minute?”

    Me: *confused* “Miss, a minute is a minute no matter where you are.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not! You’re just trying to get my bill higher than it should be! I will report you to the BBB!”

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