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    Has A Problem Espresso-ing Himself, Part 4

    | Virginia, USA | Food & Drink

    (A drink order is passed down the line to me. After reading it several times, I have to clarify it with the customer.)

    Me: “Sir? This says you want a large mocha with whip, but no espresso. Um, did you maybe want decaf instead? Or… uh…” *puzzled silence*

    Customer: “I get it all the time at [chain coffee shop]! God, is it really SO HARD to get my drink right?”

    Me: “Well… I’m just confused… because you apparently paid $1.00 extra for a… a hot chocolate.”

    Customer: “Jeez, call it whatever you want, just make the thing! Mochadopacoppio, whatever! You just go right ahead and fix me one of your fancy HAAAWT CHAAAWC-LATES!”

    Related:
    Has A Problem Espresso-ing Himself, Part 3
    Has A Problem Espresso-ing Themself, Part 2
    Has A Problem Espresso-ing Herself

    An Eye For An Eyepatch

    | Beaverton, OR, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m the only employee still working a cash register late one night. I’ve got a long line, and the next customer keeps glaring at me.)

    Me: “Hello, miss, sorry about the wait. Did you find everything all right?”

    Customer: “I’m so sick of you people.”

    Me: “Of who?”

    Customer: “First, that awful girl stacking the shelves with the pink hair, and now you with that… thing on your face! Why are you brats so desperate for attention?”

    (Two years ago, I lost my right eye in an accident. I wear an eyepatch now.)

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s not a fashion statement, I really need—”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me!”

    (Without warning, she lunges across the counter and grabs the patch, snapping the cord and pulling it off. She laughs with triumph for about a second before she sees my empty eye socket.)

    Customer: *screams and runs out of the store, leaving her items but taking the eyepatch*

    (That customer never came back. Fortunately, I have a lot of spare eyepatches, but I had to finish the rest of my shift that night with a paper bandage over the socket.)

    Harry Potter And The Disorder Of The Forks-Flicks

    | USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a customer at a bookstore. I am browsing a few shelves when another customer comes up to me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me!”

    (I think I’m blocking her way, so I move two feet over.)

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Why the f*** are you walking away from me, you f***ing little c***?! I’ll have you fired for this!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I think you’re conf—”

    Customer: “You little w****! You think you can sell my daughter these trashy novels, and expect to get away with it? She told me all about the saleslady who told her ‘Oh, you don’t want the Twilight series, Harry Potter is much better!’ Well, I’m telling you right now, my daughter DOES want the Twilight series. So, you better exchange the books right now, you b****!”

    Me: “Ma’am, there’s been a mistake. I don’t work here.”

    Customer: “DON’T YOU LIE TO ME, YOU LITTLE S***!”

    (The woman whaps me over the head with a hardcover book. This one is the fifth Harry Potter and therefore the thickest. I stumble backwards, and fall on my butt. At this point, an actual employee has noticed the situation, and has called for mall security. He runs over to try to break it up.)

    Employee: “Ma’am, you can’t hit other customers!”

    Customer: “That’s not a customer, and don’t you lie to me! I know it’s another one of your second rate employees, trying to get out of exchanging my books!”

    (The customer proceeds to kick me as I’m still on the ground. When the employee tries to stop her, she hits him across the face with the book as well. He doesn’t fall over; instead, he grabs her arm and gets the book from her. She continues to try attacking, so he puts her in a headlock to immobilize her.)

    Customer: “YOU’RE ALL JUST A BUNCH OF LITTLE F***ERS WHO DON’T WANT TO RETURN MY BOOK! WELL, I’M GETTING ALL YOU A**HOLES FIRED!”

    (After screaming more profanities, security finally shows up. She is escorted out in handcuffs and is currently serving jail time for assault and battery. I ended up with a concussion, but got a five-hundred dollar gift card to the store as compensation. I also got a date with the employee who came to my rescue!)

    Clueless And Shampooless

    | Rockford, IL, USA | Bigotry, Language & Words

    (A customer comes in to exchange a bottle of conditioner for a bottle of shampoo.)

    Customer: “I would like to return this mess. It says ‘Shampoo’ when it clearly reads ‘Conditioner’.”

    Me: “I’m sorry for the mix-up. Let’s get you the correct bottle.”

    (I proceed to go with her to help her get the right item. After taking a couple seconds to look, she lets out an exasperated sigh.)

    Customer: “I can’t believe it! They all say ‘Shampoo’ AND ‘Conditioner’. SEE?!”

    (She thrusts the bottle into my hands. I look at it a minute and see what she means.)

    Me: “Oh, ma’am, this one is conditioner, but these over here are shampoo.”

    Customer: “What?! That’s stupid! Why does it say ‘Shampoo’ when it’s ‘Conditioner’?”

    Me: “Oh, because it actually reads ‘apres shampooing’, which literally means ‘after shampoo’, which in turn means it’s conditioner.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t speak Spanish!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s French.”

    Customer: “Well, you d*** French people need to give the jobs back to the REAL Americans. We’d get this labeling s*** right!

    Dewey Decimal Disobedience

    | Teaneck, NJ, USA |

    (Note: Because it is a large, central location, the public library is sometimes used for town meetings. However, the library employees have nothing to do with these meetings. On this particular night, a public hearing is being held on the topic of firefighter layoffs.)

    Firefighter #1: *leaving meeting* “I can’t believe they’re actually firing people! This is so f***ed up!”

    Firefighter #2: “Those f***ing d***s!”

    Firefighter #1: “I’ll show them! I’ll mess up their card catalogs!”

    Me: *to coworker* “Do you want to be the one to tell him we use computers?”

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