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July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

Like His Pond, His Argument Is Shallow

| UK | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Top

(I work tech support for a manufacturer of pond equipment. My job is supposed to be explaining tech, and helping fix faults for our customers.)

Customer: “Yeah… so, I have one of your outdoor pond pumps, but it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well, actually I just don’t have the instructions for it, so I don’t know how to make it work. I know it’s self-cleaning, but I don’t know how to make it work.”

(This is strange, as all products come with instructions. Also, though we do have self-cleaning pumps, they cost thousands of pounds. As a result, they are rarely used by the general public.)

Me: “What model is it? Maybe I can email you our electronic copy.”

Customer: “Thanks, man. It’s [four-year-old model number].”

Me: “Okay, I’m sending you a copy of those instructions now. However, I should warn you that it’s not self-cleaning. It is, however, easy clean.”

Customer: “What?! I only bought it because it was self-cleaning!”

Me: “Well, easy clean is better than nothing, and it is a good pump. What did you have before?”

Customer: “I had [five-year-old pump].”

Me: “That’s still a good upgrade; let me know when you have the instructions.”

(There is a pause as the customer checks his email.)

Customer: “You screwed up man; this picture is all wrong!”

Me: “Those are the instructions for [four-year-old model]. If it doesn’t look like that; you must have a different pump.”

Customer: “No, man! The guy I bought it from said it was [four-year-old pump].”

Me: “Who did you buy it from?”

Customer: “Some guy online!”

Me: “Do you think that maybe he lied?”

(A lot of cursing ensues. Eventually, he starts describing the product. I quickly recognize it as a very old product of ours.)

Me: “I think I know what you have, sir. It’s actually a [10-year-old product]. Let me just send you the instructions.”

Customer: “That’s it, man! Is that one self-cleaning too?”

Me: “Sir, that one’s not even easy clean. You’ve just significantly downgraded your system.”

Customer: “S*** man! This is bull-s***! What the h*** am I supposed to do with this s***?!”

Me: “If I were you, sir, I’d look into getting your money back from the seller you purchased your pump from. I’d also reinstall your old pump into your pond.”

Customer: “F*** that s***! Give me my f****** money back! It’s your pump! You f****** fix it!”

Me: “Sir, I work technical support for the manufacturer of that pump. We haven’t made them in years, and we haven’t sold them in years. You did not buy it from us, nor do you have any kind of guarantee with us. If you had come to a store for your needs, rather than under-cutting us all by going online for the cheapest deal, we could have told you exactly what you were buying. Instead, you bought an unknown product from an unknown source, with no protection or research. That is entirely on you, buddy. It is not my fault.”

(There is a long pause before the line goes dead.)

E Pluribus Dumbum, Part 2

| Berkshire, England, UK | Extra Stupid, History

(Our museum has a big display of Roman materials. I’m sitting in the second room: a room full of mosaics. Next door is the first room: a room full of Roman tools. We have an example of almost every Roman tool I’ve ever seen. A lady and her daughter walk out of the first room, into the second.)

Daughter: “How did they make all of these things, mummy?”

Lady: “All of them BY HAND! The Romans had NO tools!”

Related:
E Pluribus Dumbum

No Free Gifts

3tbuch

No ID, No Idea, Part 11

| Australia | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Geography, Money, Theme Of The Month

(An American customer approaches, and tries to pay with a card that isn’t his. It has a typically female name on it, and the signatures don’t match.)

Me: “I’m very sorry, but I don’t think this is your card. I can’t put through the sale.”

Customer: “It’s my girlfriend’s. She said I could use it.”

Me: “That might be so, but it’s illegal for me to finish the sale; I am sorry. Is your girlfriend in the store? She can come and sign for it.”

(I suggest this cheerfully, so that he knows I’m definitely not accusing him of having a stolen card. However, the customer instantly snaps and begins yelling.)

Customer: “YOU F****** AUSTRALIANS! I COME HERE FOR A HOLIDAY, AND YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF RACIST PRICKS! IF I WAS AUSTRALIAN, YOU’D F****** PROCESS IT! THIS S*** DOESN’T HAPPEN IN AMERICA! F*** YOU!”

(My manager, who happens to be nearby, decides to intervene.)

Manager: “Sir, that’s simply not true. It’s legislation to protect people from having their card stolen. We’re protecting your girlfriend’s money.”

Customer: “WHAT A LOAD OF S***. WELCOME TO F****** AUSTRALIA, HEY? F*** ALL OF YOU! F*** YOUR F****** COUNTRY! F****** AUSSIE RACIST C****!”

(He storms out of the store, leaving everyone speechless.)

Manager: “I wonder what he’ll do when he realises he left the card behind.”

Related:
No ID, No Idea, Part 10
No ID, No Idea, Part 9

Not The PIN-nacle Of Intelligence

| Athens, GA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Money

(I have finished scanning the customer’s items at the register.)

Me: “Your total come to [price].”

(The customer pulls out a card to pay.)

Me: “What kind of card is it?”

Customer: “Debit.”

(I hit the debit key on my register. She proceeds to swipe it on her side, and I turn to finish bagging her groceries.)

Customer: “This thing isn’t working!”

(I turn back to see her holding the machine’s electronic pen, looking frustrated.)

Me: “I’m sorry; did it not read your card? These things get temperamental sometimes.”

Customer: “No, it read the card. But it’s not doing anything!”

Me: “Hmm. Well, what does the screen say?”

Customer: “It just says to enter my PIN.”

Me: “Well then, just enter your PIN, ma’am.”

Customer: “I did that twice, and it didn’t take it! It’s not working!”

(The customer proceeds to demonstrate, by WRITING her PIN on the screen with the pen.)

Me: “Um, no, ma’am. You use the buttons to type it in. The screen can’t read hand writing.”

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