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Speaking American Is A Country Diction In Terms

| USA | Bigotry, Language & Words, Top

(We have one really racist customer who calls in every few hours, and asks ridiculous questions about the employees. When he gets answers he doesn’t like, he hangs up. One of our reps decides she’ll deal with him the next time he calls, so we pass the call along to her. It is slow, so a few of us crowd around to listen.)

Representative: “Thank you for calling [company]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “None of that s***! Before you help me, you have to pass a test. First of all, were you born in the state you live in?”

Representative: “No, sir. Now how may I help you?”

Caller: “That’s strike one. Were you born in the US?”

Representative: “Yes. Is that all?”

Caller: “How long has your family been here?”

Representative: *mischievous smile* “Which side are you inquiring about, sir?”

Caller: “Excuse me?”

Representative: “Well I’m assuming you have at least a rudimentary understanding of genetics. Therefore, unless your parents are brother and sister, you should have two sides to your family.”

Caller: “Who the f*** you think you are, asking me that?”

Representative: “Well, you’re the one who asked an unclear question, sir.”

Caller: “And you ain’t smart enough to know I meant BOTH sides of your family?”

Representative: “Well, sir, to answer your ambiguous question it depends on which part of the family you mean. Both my parents were born in the United States.”

Caller: “What about their parents?”

Representative: “What about them?”

Caller: “YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”

Representative: “Well I really don’t think that’s any of your business, sir.”

Caller: “I want to make sure I’m dealing with a real American, you hear me? Someone who can speak American good, who ain’t some dummy foreigner, and who ain’t none of them [string of racial slurs]!”

Representative: “Sir, as someone who majored in language and literature in college, I can guarantee you that I probably speak English better than you do.”

Caller: “That ain’t good enough! I said American! Not English!”

Representative: “You do realize that American is a vernacular of English?”

Caller: “What’s that?”

Representative: “Why don’t you get a dictionary, and look it up? While you’re at it, look up ‘inbred’ and ‘bigot’, and call back when you figure out why I suggested it.” *hangs up*

Running A Mile With Another Man’s Shoes

| KY, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month, Top, Wild & Unruly

(At the store I manage, we put sensors on expensive shoes. My sales manager comes up to inform me she has heard a customer popping one off of a shoe. I approach the customer.)

Me: “Hello, how are you doing today? Do you need any assistance?”

(I notice a sensor sitting next to him. I pick it up and hold it in my hand while assisting him. He picks up a shoe box, and starts to walk away.)

Customer: “No, I’m good.”

(He proceeds to look around the store while I follow him; I’m still holding the sensor. He puts the box he is carrying on a shelf, and starts to make his way out the door. I pick up the box to find it empty. He is walking down the sidewalk, so I run after him.)

Me: “Sir, give me back those shoes!”

Customer: “I don’t know what you’re talking about; you’re crazy!”

(He proceeds to run across the parking lot, with me in hot pursuit.)

Me: “Help! Help! Criminal! Criminal!”

(I am a small, 5’ young woman, chasing a 6’ man in his 30s. I start to lose steam, and am losing him. Out of nowhere, a security guard runs past me. The customer does not notice the guard, but starts dropping shoes out of his pants one by one. Thinking I am lagging behind, he turns back to pick up the shoes. He notices the security guard, and starts to run again. A car pulls up and tries to hit the shoplifter. He doesn’t hit him, but slows the man enough to allow the security guard to catch up. They proceed to wrestle, and the security guard takes the customer down. In the end, the customer is arrested, and I get all the shoes back!)

Give Her What She Deserves

3tbnt1

Fix The Phone And Call It Square

| Belfast, Northern Ireland, UK | Technology

Customer: “Hello, hello! My phone’s gone berserk!”

Me: “Can you be a bit more precise?”

Customer: “It’s totally berserk!”

Me: “I’ll need something more specific. Is it in Greek? Will it switch on?”

Customer: “My apps are all up the left!”

Me: “Press the big rectangle button at the bottom. Have you got the picture in the background?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Now, what do you do to go berserk?”

Customer: “Go to the apps.”

Me: “Do that now. What do you see?”

Customer: “It’s like I’m going shopping!”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “It’s like my shopping list!”

Me: “What does the list say?”

Customer: “Milk, eggs, yoghurt, potatoes—”

Me: “—no. What does the list on the phone say?”

Customer: “Settings, Internet, Facebook… oh, Allshare! I haven’t seen that before.”

Me: “What was it like before?”

Customer: “Squares! I had loads of squares!”

Me: “Do you want the squares back again?”

Customer: “Yes! Give me back my squares!”

Me: “Okay. Your apps have changed from a grid to a list. Do you see the little button to the left of the home button?”

Customer: “It says ‘Grid View’.”

Me: “Press ‘Grid View’.”

Customer: “Thank you, thank you! You gave me my squares back again!”

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