November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

A Wee Bit Foreign

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I am Scottish. After serving a Vietnamese family, another customer approaches and leans over the counter to whisper.)

Customer: “It’s like trying to play a game of ‘Spot the Australian’ in here at the moment. There are so many foreigners around; know what I mean?”

(Not missing a beat, I lean back over towards the customer and speak in my strongest Scottish accent.)

Me: “Oh, I know ma’am! The bloody foreigners are everywhere! Jeez, sometimes you can never tell when you’re going to bump into one, hey?”

Customer: “Oh… oh my… I am so sorry, I didn’t mean…”

(The customer is very quiet for the remainder of the transaction, before apologising once more and leaving the store in a hurry.)

Coworker: “You’re a very bad man sometimes dude. I love it.”

They Are In The Lower Percentile

| CT, USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Money

(I’m a sales associate at a popular clothing store. I’m in the middle of an eight-hour shift on Black Friday, when a customer calls on the phone. The customer speaks in a very confused tone the entire time.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [store]! This is [name] speaking; what’s on your wish list?”

Customer: “Hi. So you guys are having a sale, right?”

Me: “Yep! Everything is 40% off today!”

Customer: “Okay. So is that 40% off our entire purchase, or 40% off each individual item or our purchase?”

(Thinking I must have heard her incorrectly, I just repeat myself)

Me: “Right, everything in the store is 40% off today.”

Customer: “Okay. Well, whoever rang me up today clearly did it wrong. They rang my entire purchase as 40% off, instead of each item separately as 40% off.”

Me: “Well, that adds up to the same thing.”

Customer: “Wait, really?”

Me: “Yes. 40% off the entire purchase is the same thing as 40% each thing in the purchase.”

Customer: “Oh… thanks.”

(The customer hangs up. My coworker is staring at me.)

Coworker: “Please tell me that did not just happen.”

A Badly Drawn Request

| San Antonio, TX, USA | Health & Body, Tourists/Travel

(I work at a theme park as a caricature artist.)

Customer: “Hey, if I get one of these done can you make me skinny?”

Me: “Well, it’s a caricature, so you can have an exaggerated bikini body or something if you like?”

Customer: “Oh, good! Can you make my teeth look better, too?”

(I can see the customer has a gap in her teeth.)

Me: “Well, if you’re sensitive about something like that you could always give me a closed mouth smile.”

Customer: “And could you make me blonde? And maybe a smaller nose?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure you’d want a picture if I altered it that much.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because… it wouldn’t look like you!”

Self-Service And Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

| UK | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money, Top

(I am buying lunch at a local supermarket. I approach the self-service machine, which is clearly labelled ‘CASH ONLY’. An employee quickly comes up to me.)

Employee: “Sir, are you aware this is a cash only self-service machine?”

Me: “Yes, thank you.”

Employee: “And you’re paying in cash?”

Me: “Yes, of course!”

(I am insulted that the employee would see me as such an idiot. But then remembering all of the stories I’ve read and heard, I calmly breathe and look at her.)

Me: “Sorry, I work in retail, too. I know that the general intelligence of the average customer is why those questions are necessary. Don’t worry; I’m one of the good guys.”

(I smile at the employee and she smiles back with a sad look of self pity for industry in which we work.)

Me: “We’ll escape it one day.”

(I am walking away and realise I forgot to buy something. I head back just in time to here a customer screaming.)


(I smile that same sad smile back at the woman, knowing it is going to be a long day for her. Good luck to all of the workers out there, and keep smiling.)

His Tone Requires A Gear Shift

| UK | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Top

(My uncle owns a chain of bike shops. We’re having a meal with my grandparents, and have gathered at the shop waiting for my cousin to finish his shift. An obnoxious customer is giving him trouble.)

Customer: “You are useless! Do you even know anything about bikes?”

Cousin: “When I’m not here, I race them.”

Customer: “Don’t take that tone with me!”

Cousin: “I wasn’t trying to take any tone—”

Customer: “Do you know who I am?! I’m the owner’s brother, and I will have you fired!”

(I am unable to contain myself, and turn to my brother.)

Me: “Did you hear that, bro? We’ve got another uncle!”

Customer: “…What?”

(The customer turns to see the crowd of us waiting.)

Dad: “I have another brother?”

Granddad: *to my grandmother* “Was this while I was away at sea? How could you?”

Grandmother: “All the jokes about a child in every port, and you were hiding THIS?”

Customer: “I… er…”

Uncle: “Well you don’t need to ring me; I’m here already! What has my son done this time?”

(The customer runs out. My dad starts shouting after him in a bad Italian accent.)

Dad: “You don’t a messa with the family!”

Grandmother: *to my granddad* “Well that one’s definitely yours.”