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    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 10

    | MA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I work at my parents’ bookshop part time and have just gotten off shift. I am still in my uniform (khakis, blue polo, sneakers). I go to another bookstore for a Girl Scout fundraiser.)

    Customer: “Excuse me miss, but could you tell me where to find Breaking Moon from Twilight?”

    Me: “I don’t work here, but those are two different books: New Moon and Breaking Dawn.”

    Customer: “You must work here if you know that they are two different books.”

    Me: “I don’t work here, but I do read books.”

    Customer: “You are lying to me! You work here! Kids don’t read books!”

    Me: “I assure you, I really do not work here, and many children do read books.”

    (Customer #1 then drags me across the store to the cashier’s station.)

    Customer: *to cashier* “She works here!”

    Cashier: “No, she does not, sir, but I’d be happy to answer any questions you may have.”

    Customer: “She must work here! She knows about books! Kids don’t read books!”

    (The cashier hands the customer a summer reading list.)

    Cashier: “Here is a list of books kids are required to read. You might want to start at the bottom, next to the words ‘Kindergarden Reading List.’”

    Customer: *turns blood red and leaves without buying anything*

    Related:
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 9
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 8
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 7
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 6
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 5
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 4
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 3
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 2
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy

    A Devil May Hair Attitude

    | Illinois, USA | Bizarre

    (I am a male with long red hair. A customer approaches me while I’m stocking a shelf.)

    Customer: “Excuse me.”

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I actually just wanted to know if that’s your natural hair color.”

    Me: “Well, yeah, actually it is.”

    Customer: “So, what’s it like living in Hell alongside Satan?!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “I mean, aren’t all gingers the spawn of Satan himself?”

    Me:  ”Umm, no, we aren’t. That was just an old superstition.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, I was wondering what I should prepare for for when I get there!”

    Semper Bye Bye

    | Indiana, USA | At The Checkout, Military, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I’m checking out a sleazy looking customer. He’s buying a gallon of milk. To not waste bags, we’re supposed to ask if people want their milk in a bag or if they’ll just carry it as is.)

    Me: “You want your milk in a bag?”

    Sleazy Customer: “Heh, heh. No, but I’ll take the milk in your bags. You got a boyfriend, sweetheart?”

    Me: “Oh yeah. He works here. One minute…” *over the intercom* “Greg to the front please, Greg.”

    (Greg isn’t my boyfriend, but Greg is one of our stock persons. Greg is about 6 feet tall and has been training for the Marines, so he’s completely ripped.)

    Sleazy Customer: *staring at my chest* “I bet he’s a real pansy. I could be a big man for you, sweetheart.”

    (I quietly take the customer’s money and give him back his change. Greg shows up to the front.)

    Greg: *to me* “What do you need?”

    Me: “Hey baby, this guy wanted to meet my boyfriend. He keeps talking about my…milk bags?”

    (The customer stares bug-eyed at Greg. Greg, for his part, doesn’t even miss a beat. He just leans toward the customer.)

    Greg: “Sir, the last man who sexually harassed my girl? I ripped him apart with my bare hands.”

    Sleazy Customer: *turns and runs out of the store*

    Me: *to the sleazy customer* “YOU FORGOT YOUR JUG OF MILK!”

    For Battery Or Worse

    | Leesburg, VA, USA |

    (A woman and her young son walk in with a small magnetic whiteboard with a detachable marker.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return this please, but I don’t have the receipt.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem.”

    (When I try to process the return, the whiteboard doesn’t show up in our system. I take a closer look and realize that it doesn’t come from our store.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t return this for you. It isn’t our product.”

    Customer: *angrily* “What! Don’t be ridiculous. I bought it from here! I’m sure!”

    (Sensing a potential problem, I call my manager over. He looks at the whiteboard.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, this brand belongs to [competitor]. I worked there for seven years; trust me.”

    Customer: “No! I only ever shop here!”

    Manager: “I’m sorry, but this isn’t our product.”

    (The customer refuses to believe us. She forces us to call the store branch she claims she bought it from and pull their records to try and find her purchase. Half an hour later, she’s still arguing with us and her son is looking increasingly embarrassed.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, I assure you that this product does not come from our store. Look.”

    (He goes to the computer and pulls up our competitor’s website. He clicks on a list of their brand names, which include the one printed on the whiteboard.)

    Customer: *angrily* “But I never shop at [competitor]! I get everything here!”

    (Suddenly the customer’s son speaks up.)

    Customer’s Son: “Wait, mom, didn’t we go there to buy batteries a couple weeks ago?”

    (The customer’s anger dissipates and she gets an embarrassed look on her face.)

    Customer: “Oh… right…” *looks at us* “Well, how was I supposed to remember that?!”

    The Sole Of Discretion

    | New Jersey, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (There is an older customer who comes into our store often during overnights. She always announces herself as the “short blond lady.” She is actually very nice, but she spends at the least an hour at the store minimum, taking up a lot of the staff’s time.)

    Customer: “Where can I find erotic insoles? You know, the expensive ones that match your feet perfectly?”

    Me: “Um… you can find them over by aisle 17. We have a special machine for that.”

    Customer: “Thank you. I’ve always wanted to try erotics. They’re supposed to help for my back and legs especially walking around so often!”

    Me: “Yes, I heard they were very good. Pricey, but good.”

    (15 minutes later she comes back up with the insoles.)

    Customer: “Okay, so I found the erotic insoles… wait a minute, what are these called again?”

    Me: “They’re called orthotic insoles.”

    Customer: *laughs* “Oh! How embarrassing of me!”

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