A Badly Drawn Request

| San Antonio, TX, USA | Health & Body, Tourists/Travel

(I work at a theme park as a caricature artist.)

Customer: “Hey, if I get one of these done can you make me skinny?”

Me: “Well, it’s a caricature, so you can have an exaggerated bikini body or something if you like?”

Customer: “Oh, good! Can you make my teeth look better, too?”

(I can see the customer has a gap in her teeth.)

Me: “Well, if you’re sensitive about something like that you could always give me a closed mouth smile.”

Customer: “And could you make me blonde? And maybe a smaller nose?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure you’d want a picture if I altered it that much.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because… it wouldn’t look like you!”

Self-Service And Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

| UK | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Money, Top

(I am buying lunch at a local supermarket. I approach the self-service machine, which is clearly labelled ‘CASH ONLY’. An employee quickly comes up to me.)

Employee: “Sir, are you aware this is a cash only self-service machine?”

Me: “Yes, thank you.”

Employee: “And you’re paying in cash?”

Me: “Yes, of course!”

(I am insulted that the employee would see me as such an idiot. But then remembering all of the stories I’ve read and heard, I calmly breathe and look at her.)

Me: “Sorry, I work in retail, too. I know that the general intelligence of the average customer is why those questions are necessary. Don’t worry; I’m one of the good guys.”

(I smile at the employee and she smiles back with a sad look of self pity for industry in which we work.)

Me: “We’ll escape it one day.”

(I am walking away and realise I forgot to buy something. I head back just in time to here a customer screaming.)

Customer: “HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT WAS CASH ONLY!? I HATE THIS PLACE!”

(I smile that same sad smile back at the woman, knowing it is going to be a long day for her. Good luck to all of the workers out there, and keep smiling.)

Strange Order

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His Tone Requires A Gear Shift

| UK | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Top

(My uncle owns a chain of bike shops. We’re having a meal with my grandparents, and have gathered at the shop waiting for my cousin to finish his shift. An obnoxious customer is giving him trouble.)

Customer: “You are useless! Do you even know anything about bikes?”

Cousin: “When I’m not here, I race them.”

Customer: “Don’t take that tone with me!”

Cousin: “I wasn’t trying to take any tone—”

Customer: “Do you know who I am?! I’m the owner’s brother, and I will have you fired!”

(I am unable to contain myself, and turn to my brother.)

Me: “Did you hear that, bro? We’ve got another uncle!”

Customer: “…What?”

(The customer turns to see the crowd of us waiting.)

Dad: “I have another brother?”

Granddad: *to my grandmother* “Was this while I was away at sea? How could you?”

Grandmother: “All the jokes about a child in every port, and you were hiding THIS?”

Customer: “I… er…”

Uncle: “Well you don’t need to ring me; I’m here already! What has my son done this time?”

(The customer runs out. My dad starts shouting after him in a bad Italian accent.)

Dad: “You don’t a messa with the family!”

Grandmother: *to my granddad* “Well that one’s definitely yours.”

Don’t Throw Apples In A Room Full Of Windows

| NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I work in a Cyber Cafe, where the workers are allowed to use their laptops when they are on break. I am notorious around the store to both the customers and my coworkers, because I prefer to use a Mac rather than another type of computer. One customer comes in holding her Mac laptop and a USB.)

Customer: “Hey, you’re good with Macs, right?”

Me: “I like to think so, why?”

Customer: “I just recently got a Mac, and I’m transferring data over with a USB drive. This one doesn’t appear to be working.”

Me: “How so?”

Customer: “I plugged in this USB into the laptop, but it doesn’t recognize it.”

Me: “That seems odd; let me try another USB.”

(I try a spare USB lying around the workplace.)

Me: “This one works fine; let me see your USB for a moment.”

(The customer hands me her USB.)

Customer: “It’s probably the stupid laptop. Now I see why everyone hates Macs. It’s a stupid brand of computer, for stupid people.”

(The customer glares at me. I ignore it and flip over the USB, reading the bottom.)

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “This isn’t a USB.”

Customer: “Uh…”

Me: “It’s a Bluetooth transceiver.”

(The customer freezes, snatches the transceiver, and runs out of the cafe with her laptop.)

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