Actors Of The Corn

| New Zealand | Awesome Workers, Top, Wild & Unruly

(Twenty other actors and I lurk in the corn maze at night. Our job is to scare the customers as they come through. People are usually into the whole thing, but sometimes we have groups through that deliberately take the whole thing as a joke and belittle the actors. I hide just off the side of the path in the ‘hospital ward’, which is lined with beds and straw dummies. The customers don’t usually see me until I rush out at them. This means I hear them coming, and also hear what they say.)

Male Customer #1: “Dude this is f****** dumb; it’s not even scary!”

Male Customer #2: “I know! The North Island’s maze is so much better! This is f****** tame!”

(The rest of group grunts in agreement. This group is comprised of really big, tough looking Samoan guys. I am a relatively tall woman dressed as an axe murdering man, complete with a wooden axe. I am minuscule compared to them. They enter my area through the net archway.)

Male Customer #2: “What the f*** is this s*** supposed to be?”

Male Customer #1: “Hey! We can have a nap!”

(Male Customer #3 moves towards the bed closest to my hiding spot.)

Male Customer #3: “We should just stay here until another group comes through; there’s no one in here!”

(I lunge out and scream a gravelly voice.)

Me: “That’s how the last group ended up as FERTILIZER, sonny boy!”

(They take one look at me and my axe, and run out of there shrieking like schoolgirls. They then encounter the twins on the other side of the second archway. This results in them screaming even louder, falling off the path into the corn, and scrambling madly to get away.)

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

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March 2013 Top Story Roundup

Not Always Right | Roundups

March 2013 Top Story Roundup: Here are Not Always Right’s top-rated stories for the month of March!

  1. Judge A Sandwich On Its Filling (4,358 thumbs up)
  2. Bigotry Unleashed (3,921 thumbs up)
  3. Tip Of The Entree Iceberg (3,778 thumbs up)
  4. Getting Into Double-Double Trouble (3,272 thumbs up)
  5. The Darkest Coffee Lightens The Mood (3,179 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

He Jumped The Gun

| Seattle, WA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid

(A man bursts through the doors in a panic.)

Man: “Did you need me to call the police?”

(I am very confused.)

Me: “What?”

Man: “That must have been terrifying! How much did he take?”

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Slow down.”

Man: “I was walking down the street when I saw a guy walk out of here carrying a gun!”

(I stare at him for several seconds.)

Me: “Sir, have you looked around? Did you see our sign on the way in?”

Man: “No, why?”

Me: “Sir, this is a gun store. He bought it here.”

Read Or Die

| Calgary, AB, Canada | Books & Reading, Canada, Extra Stupid

(I’m at the cash register; a lady walks up and plunks six different paperbacks on the counter.)

Customer: “Which one is the best? I only want to buy one today.”

Me: “Well, that depends on your tastes. Is there a particular genre that you’re interested in?”

Customer: “No, I mean which one did you like the best?”

Me: “Well, I haven’t read these particular books, but I can tell you which one is most popular right now…”

Customer: “Of course you’ve read them all. You work here, right? You have to know what you’re selling!”

Me: “Ma’am, we sell thousands of different books; there’s just no way I can read them all.”

Customer: “You’re not doing your job! You have to know! Now tell me which book was the best!”

Me: *points randomly* “…that one.”

Customer: “Thanks!”

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