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    The Customer Is Always Right, Even When It’s Left

    | Melbourne, Australia | Geography

    (I am an usher ripping tickets at the podium and directing customers to their cinema.)

    Me: “You’re in cinema number four. It’s up the stairs to your left.”

    Patron: “Which way?”

    Me: “Left, and then go up the stairs.”

    Patron: “Which way’s left?”

    Me: “That way.” *points*

    Patron: “Great, thanks!”

    It’s A Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid World

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Technology

    (I work in one of Australia’s most popular consumer electronics companies. One day, I have an older lady of about 70 years come in to return a digital radio.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. Can I point you in the right direction?”

    Customer: “No, I’m here to return this radio. The world has gone stupid!”

    Me: “How do you mean?”

    Customer: “I turn the thing on and it says ‘scan channels’! I don’t get any sound!”

    Me: “Did you press the scan button?”

    Customer: “No. Why would I do something stupid like that?”

    Me: “It’s how you get the channels, ma’am. You scan the stations and then just press the ‘next’ button to find what you’re after.”

    Customer: “The world has gone stupid! I’m an educated lady! Why does everything have to be so difficult?”

    Me: “Did you read the manual, ma’am?”

    Customer: “It’s a f***ing radio! I shouldn’t have to read any manuals.”

    (I show the customer exactly what is needed to be done.)

    Customer: “I’m an educated old lady! I shouldn’t have to learn anything new! The world has gone stupid! You’re all a bunch of morons! The world is supposed to be getting easier!”

    Me: “And how is pressing two buttons so difficult, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Well, how do I tune it then?”

    Me: “As I just showed you ma’am, you press this button.” *points to “scan”* “Then, this button.” *points to “next”* “Keep pressing it until you find the station you want. It’s simple.”

    Customer: “The world is stupid! Things are meant to be getting easier, not harder!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what would you like me to do about it?”

    Customer: “I want a digital radio that works like the old style transistor.”

    Me: “We don’t have those, sorry.”

    Customer: “You do! I saw them there when I bought this piece of garbage.”

    Me: “These ones? These are analogue, not digital.”

    Customer: “How is that my problem?”

    Me: “You can’t pick up the digital channels with these.”

    Customer: “And?”

    Me: “You bought this one because you wanted the digital channels, yes?”

    Customer: “I would have thought that obvious!”

    Me: “Analogue won’t pick up digital. It also isn’t as clear.”

    Customer: “The world has gone stupid! An educated woman like me shouldn’t have to learn anything new!”

    Next customer in line: “Have you ever thought you’re the stupid one lady? Its two f***ing buttons! I’m older than you and I can use one!”

    (She continues to mutter about the world and its stupidity while leaving the store after insisting on a refund.)

    Haagen-Dogs

    | USA | Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    (I work in a grocery store and know that store manager, who is my neighbor.)

    Me: “Hi, did you find everything okay today?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes, you guys actually have my favorite ice cream!”

    Me: “Well, that’s good.”

    (I pick up the box of the ice cream and notice a dog on it. Then I notice the name “Purina”.)

    Me: “Ma’am, did you know this is ice cream for dogs?”

    Customer: “No, it’s not. It was in a freezer! I can’t believe [store owner's name] knows someone so stupid!”

    Me: “I can’t believe it either.”

    Soap And Awe

    | Oklahoma, USA | Health & Body, Technology

    (The customer was having trouble accessing his e-mail. I am walking through the steps.)

    Me: “Now, if you could just type in the address bar—”

    Caller: “Oh, you’ll have to give me a minute. I’ve only got one arm. I was in the war.”

    Me: “Oh, it’s okay. Take your time. I actually had a cousin that just got back from Afghanistan. He had lost both of his legs. I couldn’t imagine.”

    Caller: “Actually, I didn’t lose my arm in the war. I lost it in the shower.”

    Me: *in shock*

    Watch What You Say

    | New York, NY, USA | Top

    (I am the manager on duty for a well-known high-end jewelry store during the weekend.)

    Employee: “You have to come out and see this customer now.”

    Me: “What’s the matter?”

    Employee: “She is becoming belligerent because I told her we have to send her watch to be fixed. She’s causing a scene and other customers are complaining. She is insistent that she needs it now.”

    (I go out to talk to the customer.)

    Me: “Hello, my name is [name]. What seems to be the issue?”

    Customer: “I have been waiting a f***ing hour! Your stupid representative told me that my watch isn’t working any more; it was working when I walked in!”

    Me: “Let me have a look at it, please.”

    (I proceed to touch her beat down and heavily abused watch and begin winding the crown.)

    Customer: “Do you even know how to work a watch?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I have been with (company) for several years. I assure you I can work a crown and pin mechanism on a quartz watch.”

    Customer: “I wasn’t trying to be condescending!”

    Me: “That’s fine.”

    (We proceed to go back and forth for a few minutes. I decide to refund her money and send her on her way. By now, her mood has changed from angry to happy.)

    Customer: “Oh, you’re just so wonderful! You are the absolute best! I am going to write a recommendation letter to your director and put my ‘ESQ’ after my name.” *smugly* “I’m a lawyer, you know.”

    Me: “Oh, I’ve got my own lawyer, thanks. My husband works for [huge NYC law firm].”

    Customer: *stunned* “Uh…I also work for [same firm]. Who is your husband?”

    Me: “He’s in Litigation. His name is [husband's name].”

    (Suddenly, the customer’s jaw drops and all color leaves her face.)

    Customer: “He’s your husband? Um…he supervises all my work.”

    Me: “Does he now? Well, well, what a small world!”

    Customer: “I…uh…am a temp attorney and am trying to get a permanent job at the firm. He is…wow…he’s really smart and brilliant and…um…you are so beautiful and intelligent…you make such an elegant couple!”

    Me: “Thank you. Anyway, here’s my business card should you need to follow up regarding your watch.”

    Customer: “Oh, I know I have a business card somewhere, too.”

    Me: “Oh, don’t you worry; I will most definitely remember your name. I’ll make sure to let my husband know you send your regards.”

    Customer: *turns bright red and slinks away*

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