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  • November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

    A Minor Mistake

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Love/Romance, Movies & TV

    (I’m currently a high school student. I look really young, about 12 or 13, so I’m not hit on very often. A customer aged about 30 walks up to me, smirking.)

    Customer: “Remember when I asked you out two years ago, and you turned me down because you said you live too far away? Well, look where we are now. I have a job at [local corporate headquarters], and you clean up people’s trash at a movie theater.”

    (He drops trash on the ground.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I’m not who you think I am. I go to [local high school]. Also, I only date girls.”

    (The customer slowly realizes that I am both a minor and a lesbian.)

    Customer: “Oh. I’m way off, aren’t I?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    (The customer picks up his trash, and scurries off with a sheepish look on his face.)

    Of Waiting And Berating

    | Gardena, CA, USA | Health & Body

    (I am visiting my doctor’s office. There is some extensive road work going on in the surrounding area, so several people have arrived late, including me. The office is extremely busy and crowded, and the receptionist is looking very harassed.)

    Receptionist: “Unfortunately you arrived more than 15 minutes late for your appointment. The doctor won’t be able to see you now. However, if you’re willing to wait, we can fit you in at the next available window, or you can reschedule.”

    Me: “Okay. I’ll wait.”

    (I take a seat and begin to read. Meanwhile, another lady goes up to the receptionist.)

    Receptionist: “Unfortunately you arrived outside of the 15 minute window we allow for your appointment, so the doctor won’t be able to see you now. If you’re willing to wait, we can fit you in at the next available slot, or we can reschedule you.”

    Customer: “That’s ridiculous! I was only two minutes past the 15 minute window! I shouldn’t have to reschedule just because of two minutes!”

    Me: “Then maybe you shouldn’t have been 17 minutes late.”

    (The customer glares at me, but continues to rant at the receptionist.)

    Customer: “Why should I have to arrive on time anyway? You doctors don’t understand what it’s like for us, always having to wait! We always have to wait for you doctors; it should go both ways! You should wait for us! With as much as I’m paying, you should wait for us!”

    Me: “Look, lady, I was late for my appointment, too. That was my fault, and I accepted it like an adult. In case you hadn’t noticed, this clinic is very full today and the doctor is too busy to wait for you to decide to show up! Now you can either sit down and wait like the rest of us, or reschedule and leave!”

    (The customer goes and sits down. She continues to rant about how unfair this is, and how much more important her time is than the rest of ours. After about 10 minutes, she stands up again.)

    Customer: “I can’t wait this ridiculous amount of time!”

    (She reschedules with the receptionist. The best part? They found an open slot for my appointment only 15 minutes later!)

    Like His Pond, His Argument Is Shallow

    | UK | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Top

    (I work tech support for a manufacturer of pond equipment. My job is supposed to be explaining tech, and helping fix faults for our customers.)

    Customer: “Yeah… so, I have one of your outdoor pond pumps, but it doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “Well, actually I just don’t have the instructions for it, so I don’t know how to make it work. I know it’s self-cleaning, but I don’t know how to make it work.”

    (This is strange, as all products come with instructions. Also, though we do have self-cleaning pumps, they cost thousands of pounds. As a result, they are rarely used by the general public.)

    Me: “What model is it? Maybe I can email you our electronic copy.”

    Customer: “Thanks, man. It’s [four-year-old model number].”

    Me: “Okay, I’m sending you a copy of those instructions now. However, I should warn you that it’s not self-cleaning. It is, however, easy clean.”

    Customer: “What?! I only bought it because it was self-cleaning!”

    Me: “Well, easy clean is better than nothing, and it is a good pump. What did you have before?”

    Customer: “I had [five-year-old pump].”

    Me: “That’s still a good upgrade; let me know when you have the instructions.”

    (There is a pause as the customer checks his email.)

    Customer: “You screwed up man; this picture is all wrong!”

    Me: “Those are the instructions for [four-year-old model]. If it doesn’t look like that; you must have a different pump.”

    Customer: “No, man! The guy I bought it from said it was [four-year-old pump].”

    Me: “Who did you buy it from?”

    Customer: “Some guy online!”

    Me: “Do you think that maybe he lied?”

    (A lot of cursing ensues. Eventually, he starts describing the product. I quickly recognize it as a very old product of ours.)

    Me: “I think I know what you have, sir. It’s actually a [10-year-old product]. Let me just send you the instructions.”

    Customer: “That’s it, man! Is that one self-cleaning too?”

    Me: “Sir, that one’s not even easy clean. You’ve just significantly downgraded your system.”

    Customer: “S*** man! This is bull-s***! What the h*** am I supposed to do with this s***?!”

    Me: “If I were you, sir, I’d look into getting your money back from the seller you purchased your pump from. I’d also reinstall your old pump into your pond.”

    Customer: “F*** that s***! Give me my f****** money back! It’s your pump! You f****** fix it!”

    Me: “Sir, I work technical support for the manufacturer of that pump. We haven’t made them in years, and we haven’t sold them in years. You did not buy it from us, nor do you have any kind of guarantee with us. If you had come to a store for your needs, rather than under-cutting us all by going online for the cheapest deal, we could have told you exactly what you were buying. Instead, you bought an unknown product from an unknown source, with no protection or research. That is entirely on you, buddy. It is not my fault.”

    (There is a long pause before the line goes dead.)

    E Pluribus Dumbum, Part 2

    | Berkshire, England, UK | Extra Stupid, History

    (Our museum has a big display of Roman materials. I’m sitting in the second room: a room full of mosaics. Next door is the first room: a room full of Roman tools. We have an example of almost every Roman tool I’ve ever seen. A lady and her daughter walk out of the first room, into the second.)

    Daughter: “How did they make all of these things, mummy?”

    Lady: “All of them BY HAND! The Romans had NO tools!”

    E Pluribus Dumbum

    No ID, No Idea, Part 11

    | Australia | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Geography, Money, Theme Of The Month

    (An American customer approaches, and tries to pay with a card that isn’t his. It has a typically female name on it, and the signatures don’t match.)

    Me: “I’m very sorry, but I don’t think this is your card. I can’t put through the sale.”

    Customer: “It’s my girlfriend’s. She said I could use it.”

    Me: “That might be so, but it’s illegal for me to finish the sale; I am sorry. Is your girlfriend in the store? She can come and sign for it.”

    (I suggest this cheerfully, so that he knows I’m definitely not accusing him of having a stolen card. However, the customer instantly snaps and begins yelling.)


    (My manager, who happens to be nearby, decides to intervene.)

    Manager: “Sir, that’s simply not true. It’s legislation to protect people from having their card stolen. We’re protecting your girlfriend’s money.”

    Customer: “WHAT A LOAD OF S***. WELCOME TO F****** AUSTRALIA, HEY? F*** ALL OF YOU! F*** YOUR F****** COUNTRY! F****** AUSSIE RACIST C****!”

    (He storms out of the store, leaving everyone speechless.)

    Manager: “I wonder what he’ll do when he realises he left the card behind.”

    No ID, No Idea, Part 10
    No ID, No Idea, Part 9