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    Don’t Know Thy Enemy

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (Note: I never forget a face, ever. A man walks into my bank, straight to my desk. He has a look on his face as if he knows exactly who I am. However, I have never seen him before in my life.)

    Man:*smiles and sits down at my desk* “Your mother is a dirty w****.”

    Me: “E-e-excuse me?!”

    Man: “You heard me. A dirty, nasty w****.”

    Me: “Sir, first of all, I am certain you don’t know my mother, since she’s dead. Second, you need to leave right now for speaking like that.”

    Man: “Wait, is this [competitor]?”

    Me: “No, no it’s not. Please leave.”

    Man: *quickly leaves*

    No Deposits, Just Withdrawals

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Health & Body, Top

    (A customer approaches the teller window with a withdrawal ticket.)

    Me: “Hi there! Withdrawal today?”

    (The customer seems taken aback.)

    Customer: “What?!”

    Me: “You’re taking out cash, right?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes. I thought you knew about my drug problem!”

    Treating Workers Like Garbage

    | Knoxville, TN, USA | Food & Drink

    (I am working the concessions stand when a young woman and her small daughter approach my register.)

    Me: “Hi! Welcome to [theater]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’ll take a medium popcorn and drink, please.”

    (The customer pays and I hand her the popcorn and drink.)

    Customer: “Hey, do you have a trash can back there?”

    Me: “Absolutely!”

    (I hold out my hand for the trash, expecting it to be something innocuous.)

    Daughter: *spits her gum out in my hand, drool and all*

    Hashpocalypse Now

    , | Sydney, Australia | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (I’m working the breakfast shift when a man comes in with his children who look about 5 or 6. He orders a large amount of food.)

    Customer: “And can I get…four hash browns with that?”

    Me: “Certainly.”

    (I type in the total and show it to him.)

    Customer: “What? $4.80? Are you kidding?”

    Me: “That’s how much it is.”

    Customer: “No way! That’s too expensive! I can’t justify that. Get rid of them!”

    (I cancel the last item while the customer continues ranting.)

    Customer: “It’s also the fact that they’re just hot oil! I can’t give my kids that poison!”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “This whole place is poison! All of it! You know the cancer charities you guys set up? Your food is causing the cancer that those kids are dying from!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “You’re poisoning people! Poisoning my kids! Working here, you kill more people a year than smoking!”

    Me: “Really?”

    Customer: *mimicking me* “‘Really?’ Why don’t you do some bloody research before you start a job, girl?!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “This whole place is evil! You should have a freaking skull and crossbones out the front! I can’t justify buying hash browns and poisoning my kids!” *leaves with his kids and his food, minus the evil hash browns*

    Notice Of Stupidity

    | Lincoln, Nebraska, USA | Money

    (I work in a call center for default management prevention for student loans.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, you guys keep saying I’m overdue, but I’ve been making payments. I don’t understand why it keeps saying I’m past due. I’ve made payments every month. Do you see the one I made last week? This better not have hit my credit!”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I see the payment was made.”

    Customer: “What’s the problem?”

    Me: “Your payments regular monthly payments are set $150.00. You’ve only been paying $100.00 each month.”

    Customer: “Well, how was I supposed to know my payments had gone up?! I didn’t get a notice!”

    Me: “Are you getting statements every month?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Are you reading your statements?”

    Customer: *silence*

    Me: “Sir, are you still there?”

    Customer: “I’d like to make my payment now, please.”

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