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    P2P Not-Working

    | Bakersfield, CA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer approaches, and angrily sets down her laptop.)

    Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I purchased this laptop two months ago, and you guys installed antivirus on here. Now I have a virus on my computer. I barely use it and rarely even go on the internet, so obviously they’re defective. I want a refund.”

    Me: “I’ll be happy to help, ma’am. Would you mind if I run our free in-store diagnostic test, just to make sure that it is a virus?”

    Customer: “Fine, but it’ll be a waste of time; this shouldn’t have happened and—”

    (The customer continues ranting about how inept our technology items are. Meanwhile, I am running our diagnostic, and even superficially I can tell that it has a virus infection. Curious, I also quickly pull open the program list. I notice something interesting.)

    Me: “Ma’am, do you know what [software name] is?”

    Customer: “Uh, no…”

    Me: “It’s a peer-to-peer sharing program. It’s one of the ways that people can illegally download music, movies, and the like. It’s also a very common way to get viruses, since anyone can upload anything to the P2P network.”

    Customer: “But I would never do anything like that.”

    Me: “Ma’am, does anyone else use your computer?”

    (The customer’s face suddenly drops.)

    Customer: “My daughter…”

    Me: “Does she have her own account with parental controls, or do you let her use your account?”

    Customer: “She uses mine.”

    Me: “Well, most likely she’s been using it to download files, and that’s how you got the virus.”

    Customer: “But the antivirus software you guys installed should’ve stopped this!”

    Me: “Antiviruses aren’t magic walls, ma’am. If you allow viruses to get past the protocols, which this would, viruses can get through. Normally, the software should issue a warning, but most likely your daughter ignored that when she downloaded the files.”

    Customer: “Oh… Well, how much is this going to cost me to fix?”

    (I give her the quote, which she dutifully pays. As I hand her the receipt, she mentions one last thing.)

    Customer: “When I get home, that girl is going to be grounded so hard! That money is coming out of her bank account!”

    Challenging Customers Throw You A Battery Of Tests

    | ON, Canada | Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior, Top, Transportation

    (I have just gotten off of work, and am enjoying my meal as I wait for my ride home to finish their shift. I get a call in the break room from the customer service clerk; he seems a bit flustered.)

    Customer Service Clerk: “Are you okay to clock back in for an emergency sale to a hostile customer?”

    Me: “I’ll be right up.”

    (I put my uniform back on, and clock in. I go to the main desk.)

    Customer: “About f****** time someone helped me properly!”

    Me: “I’m sorry for any confusion or undue hassle, sir. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “My f****** truck won’t start, and I think it’s the battery. The lights don’t even come on, and I sure as h*** don’t want to be stranded in this f****** place’s parking lot! Get me a new battery!”

    (I lead him back towards my department to get the proper car battery for him.)

    Me: “Can I ask for the year, make, and model of your vehicle?”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “It is our usual policy to find the exact battery.”

    (He gets into more of a huff. We find the right battery and I ask for his info to do up the proper paperwork.)

    Customer: “What the h*** do you need all this for, anyway?”

    Me: “Well, we just need to make sure we take care of our customers properly. When it comes to vehicle maintenance, we take it seriously, so we don’t end up messing things up and making you have to deal with more trouble.”

    (He gets huffy again, but I take down the required info.)

    Customer: “Well, that’s over. Oh, wait… d*** it!”

    Me: “What’s wrong, sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t have any tools to take out the old battery and stuff!”

    Me: “Well, hang on for another moment, and I can go get them. Then I will take your old battery out, and replace it with the new one. That way you can get out of here, and back home to do what you planned on doing.”

    (He narrows his eyes at me, but nods and waits for me at the desk. I go get the tools, and come back so he can lead me out to his vehicle. I do just as I said I would. I even wish him a good evening after all is said and done. The next day he comes back in. I see him making his way back to my department while I’m still working. He’s smiling somewhat sheepishly.)

    Me: “Hello again, sir! Is everything okay?”

    Customer: “Yeah, everything’s great! Heck, the truck runs a bit better now, too. It’s been years since I had to change the battery. I just wanted to apologize for how angry I was last night, and for how I treated you.”

    Me: “Well, it’s no big deal, sir. I can imagine you’d had enough hassle form the situation.”

    Customer: “Yeah, you got that right. Look, I think you’re an outstanding young man, and I want to thank you for helping me out in a pinch.”

    (He shakes my hand, but I notice the feeling of paper also being handed to me in the handshake. I look down in my hand and see a $20 bill.)

    Customer: “That’s for dealing with my grumpy old a**. Thanks again!”

    Always Right?

    funny-customer-right-you-wrong-comic

    Reach Out And Touch Someone

    | Canada | Technology, Theme Of The Month

    Customer: “Hi, I want to get business cards, and I heard you had a sale.”

    Me: “Yes, the color business cards are on sale, and they start at 250 for only $10!”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t need color cards.”

    Me: “Um, well it’s only the color ones that are on sale.”

    Customer: “I just want black and white cards.”

    Me: “Well, you can get black and white cards if you want, but they’re not on sale, and are more expensive than the color ones right now. It would make more sense to get color ones.”

    Customer: “I don’t want color!”

    Me: “Well, that’s okay; you can get black and white cards. They are just more expensive.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “Okay, so do you have them designed already then?”

    Customer: “No, I want you to do that for me.”

    Me: “Great, we actually have a live video agent over here. It’s a computer with a webcam, and you talk to the designer through the webcam and they can set up a card for you.”

    Customer: “How am I supposed to show a computer what I want my cards to look like?”

    Me: “Well, it’s a person. And you can explain it to them, show them a picture on the camera, or you can scan images.”

    Customer: “I don’t like this. I don’t know how to scan things.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s okay. I’ll come show you before you get started. And then I’ll introduce you to the video agent, okay?”

    Customer: “Okay, I guess.”

    (I show her how to scan.)

    Customer: “But I have more than one page!”

    Me: “That’s okay; you just do the same thing with the next page. Okay, so let’s get a video agent on the webcam, shall we?”

    Customer: “No! I don’t want to talk to a computer!”

    Me: “Oh, it’s not a computer; it’s a real person. They’re just on a webcam.”

    Customer: “No, I think I’ll go to a different copy shop.”

    Me: “Oh, how come?”

    Customer: “Because I don’t like talking to computers!”

    Me: “It isn’t a computer; it’s a person.”

    Customer: “But. I. Want. To. Touch. Them.”

    Me: “Excuse me? It’s like Skype.”

    Customer: “I don’t like Skype! I’m going somewhere else!”

    If Cars Could Run On Stupidity

    | ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Transportation

    Me: “Thank you for calling roadside assistance; how may I help you?”

    Elderly Lady: “Yes, I need you to get my car started; it won’t start.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, can you try to describe the problem to me?”

    Elderly Lady: “Well my husband used to drive, but now he’s passed, so I have to drive again, and this stupid car won’t start.”

    Me: “Alright, can you take the phone and go to the car. Try to start it, so I can listen?”

    (The elderly lady starts grumbling as she goes to the garage.)

    Elderly Lady: “So, I put the key in, and this happens.”

    (The car tries to turn over, but nothing happens. I’m trying to figure out what it could be, and am about to dispatch a tow truck.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I need to you turn the key just a little bit, and tell me if any lights come on.”

    Elderly Lady: “One with a box and a squiggly line.”

    Me: “Okay, I need to you look on the dashboard and find the letters E and F.”

    (The elderly lady is very angry now, as we’ve been on the phone a while and she’s running late.)

    Elderly Lady: “They are right beside the box with the squiggly part.”

    Me: “Perfect, now where is the line pointing to?”

    Elderly Lady: “The E. Why, what the h*** does that mean?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry to tell you this, and I can send help, but your car is out of gas. You need to put gas in the car.”

    Elderly Lady: “You mean to tell me that I spent $50,000 on this car, and I still have to put gas in it?!”

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