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    Harry Potter And The Disorder Of The Forks-Flicks

    | USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a customer at a bookstore. I am browsing a few shelves when another customer comes up to me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me!”

    (I think I’m blocking her way, so I move two feet over.)

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Why the f*** are you walking away from me, you f***ing little c***?! I’ll have you fired for this!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I think you’re conf—”

    Customer: “You little w****! You think you can sell my daughter these trashy novels, and expect to get away with it? She told me all about the saleslady who told her ‘Oh, you don’t want the Twilight series, Harry Potter is much better!’ Well, I’m telling you right now, my daughter DOES want the Twilight series. So, you better exchange the books right now, you b****!”

    Me: “Ma’am, there’s been a mistake. I don’t work here.”

    Customer: “DON’T YOU LIE TO ME, YOU LITTLE S***!”

    (The woman whaps me over the head with a hardcover book. This one is the fifth Harry Potter and therefore the thickest. I stumble backwards, and fall on my butt. At this point, an actual employee has noticed the situation, and has called for mall security. He runs over to try to break it up.)

    Employee: “Ma’am, you can’t hit other customers!”

    Customer: “That’s not a customer, and don’t you lie to me! I know it’s another one of your second rate employees, trying to get out of exchanging my books!”

    (The customer proceeds to kick me as I’m still on the ground. When the employee tries to stop her, she hits him across the face with the book as well. He doesn’t fall over; instead, he grabs her arm and gets the book from her. She continues to try attacking, so he puts her in a headlock to immobilize her.)

    Customer: “YOU’RE ALL JUST A BUNCH OF LITTLE F***ERS WHO DON’T WANT TO RETURN MY BOOK! WELL, I’M GETTING ALL YOU A**HOLES FIRED!”

    (After screaming more profanities, security finally shows up. She is escorted out in handcuffs and is currently serving jail time for assault and battery. I ended up with a concussion, but got a five-hundred dollar gift card to the store as compensation. I also got a date with the employee who came to my rescue!)

    Clueless And Shampooless

    | Rockford, IL, USA | Bigotry, Language & Words

    (A customer comes in to exchange a bottle of conditioner for a bottle of shampoo.)

    Customer: “I would like to return this mess. It says ‘Shampoo’ when it clearly reads ‘Conditioner’.”

    Me: “I’m sorry for the mix-up. Let’s get you the correct bottle.”

    (I proceed to go with her to help her get the right item. After taking a couple seconds to look, she lets out an exasperated sigh.)

    Customer: “I can’t believe it! They all say ‘Shampoo’ AND ‘Conditioner’. SEE?!”

    (She thrusts the bottle into my hands. I look at it a minute and see what she means.)

    Me: “Oh, ma’am, this one is conditioner, but these over here are shampoo.”

    Customer: “What?! That’s stupid! Why does it say ‘Shampoo’ when it’s ‘Conditioner’?”

    Me: “Oh, because it actually reads ‘apres shampooing’, which literally means ‘after shampoo’, which in turn means it’s conditioner.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t speak Spanish!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s French.”

    Customer: “Well, you d*** French people need to give the jobs back to the REAL Americans. We’d get this labeling s*** right!

    Dewey Decimal Disobedience

    | Teaneck, NJ, USA |

    (Note: Because it is a large, central location, the public library is sometimes used for town meetings. However, the library employees have nothing to do with these meetings. On this particular night, a public hearing is being held on the topic of firefighter layoffs.)

    Firefighter #1: *leaving meeting* “I can’t believe they’re actually firing people! This is so f***ed up!”

    Firefighter #2: “Those f***ing d***s!”

    Firefighter #1: “I’ll show them! I’ll mess up their card catalogs!”

    Me: *to coworker* “Do you want to be the one to tell him we use computers?”

    Get Yell Soon

    | USA | Bizarre

    (While standing near a store’s greeting card selection, I overhear this conversation between an older customer and an employee.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, I’m looking for a Father’s Day card to give to my son. However, you only have two here and they’re stupid.”

    Employee: “I’m sorry, but those are the only ones of that type of card that we have.”

    Customer: “But they’re stupid!”

    Employee: “I’m sorry, sir.”

    Customer: “You know what? You need to call your greeting card people and make them send you better cards! You know, we’re all growing older here and we have sons that have children. I want to give my son a Father’s Day card! What is wrong with you people?”

    Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t have any control over what the greeting card company sends us. We just display the cards they provide us with.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ll just have to go to [another store] then! Maybe they’ll have what I need!”

    Employee: “Feel free to do that, sir. However, I can tell you that they are supplied by the same company. They will have the same selection.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! I guess we’re just not supposed to get older, is that it?! We’re not allowed to age! You need to call your supplier and demand you get better stock!”

    Employee: “I’m sorry sir, we have no control over—”

    Customer: “CALL THEM! What an outrage! You are the rudest employee I’ve ever had to deal with! We’re just getting older! We should be allowed to get older! Call your company RIGHT NOW!”

    Employee: “Sir, if you just leave your name, I can tell my manager you have a complaint—”

    Customer: “NO! JUST CALL YOUR D*** COMPANY!” *angrily storms out*

    Ooh, I’m Quaking In My Oats

    | USA | Food & Drink

    (This happened to a coworker of mine, who is a bus driver. It is against policy to let food on the bus, and there is a sign that clearly states this.)

    Passenger: *tries to get on the bus with a giant bowl of oatmeal*

    Coworker: “Sir, I’m sorry, but you can’t take that oatmeal on the bus.”

    Passenger: “What?! Why?”

    Coworker: “There’s no food allowed on the bus.”

    Passenger: “I won’t spill!”

    Coworker: “I’m sorry, but there’s still no food on the bus.”

    Passenger: “Well…YOU’RE UGLY!”

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