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    When Push Comes To Shove, Don’t

    | Tacoma, WA, USA |

    (We are holding an audition for our company’s new season. We will often take dancers who aren’t as technically trained if they are easy to work with.)

    Dancer: “Hello? Can you please take my forms? I’m ready to audition.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you’re number 256 and we’re only calling numbers 110-114 right now. You’ll have to wait.”

    Dancer: “Are you f***ing kidding me? I’ve already been here an hour!”

    (She tries to shove her papers in my hand.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you’ll have to wait with the rest of the dancers.”

    (She tries to shover her papers in my hand again.)

    Me: “I’m sorry—”

    (Suddenly, she storms into the audition out of turn and complains about how I won’t let her dance to our casting director. They let her dance only because she refuses to leave. After her “audition”…)

    Dancer: “Do you think I made it?”

    Practice Sweet Unadulterated Moderation

    | North Carolina, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (A mom, dad, and two small children walk in. The boy sees some of the fresh fruit we keep at the counter and asks for a banana.)

    Dad: *to son* “No, you’ve had too much fruit today!”

    Mom: *to son* “Yeah, go get some candy instead!”

    Introducing The iMoney

    , | Kingston, Ontario, Canada | Technology

    (I work in a call center for a phone company. We often get customers who will say anything to get a credit. This customer is saying that her phone drops calls.)

    Me: “According to my troubleshooting flow, your phone appears to be defective. I can offer to replace your phone for free.”

    Customer: “No, I’ll take a credit.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I cannot offer you a credit. I can only offer to replace your phone.”

    Customer: “Just give me a credit.”

    Me: “I cannot give you a credit.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because that’s the resolution to your issue. Applying a monetary credit to your account will not cause your phone to stop dropping calls.”

    Customer: “Yes, it will!”

    Just In The St. Nick Of Time

    | Pennsylvania, USA | At The Checkout, Holidays

    (It’s five minutes before closing Christmas Eve, and I’m handling the register. A man and woman walk up with a just few bottles of soda, so I wave them in and turn my lane’s light off.)

    Me: “Good evening!”

    Woman, to the man: “Get the cart.”

    Man: *wanders off*

    Me: “So, ready for the holidays, I take it?”

    (I finish scanning a 2-liter bottle of soda and start to scan the second one; this shouldn’t take much time at all. The woman interrupts me.)

    Woman: “There’s more.”

    (I am confused, but then see the man return with a large cart used for stocking the shelves. It’s stacked completely full with RACKS of the soda product.)

    Man: *points to the giant pile of sodas* “That’s 80 bottles in one, 58 in the other…”

    Me: “Okay, then. This might take another minute or two…”

    (Note that the store closes at 6 pm. I’m a minor, so I can’t be late clocking out. I therefore scan as quickly as possible and ring up her total.)

    Me: “All right, there we are! Your total is [nearly $200].”

    (It’s now a minute before closing. I think I’m in the clear, when…)

    Woman: “Here’s $100, but let me pay the rest with these!” *hands me stacks of $5 bills*

    (I am completely stunned now. Fingers flying, I count out the huge bill, finally finishing right at 6 pm on the dot.)

    Me: “Okay…you’re good to go! Hope you have a great holiday!”

    Woman and man: *says absolutely nothing in return and leaves with their huge cartful of sodas*

    (Thankfully I got out of there right on time!)

    How About Bringing That Brain Out Of Retirement

    | IL, USA |

    Caller: “Hi, I’m looking for [coworker].”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but she retired last month.”

    Caller: “Oh…can you have her call me back?”

    Me: “I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear before. She retired and is no longer employed here. Can you tell me what you are calling about so I can direct you to someone else?”

    Caller: “No, no, that’s fine. I’ll just call for her again later.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but she won’t be here later. She retired. She’s gone.”

    Caller: “It’s okay. I’ll just call for her later.”

    Me: “Sir, you don’t understand. Other members of our group have taken over her responsibilities, so if you can tell me what it is you needed to talk to her about, I can direct you to someone who can help you.”

    Caller: “So, can I call back next week?”

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