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    And A Pound Of Pronunciation, Please

    | USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (Note: we sell almost any kind of vegetables at our grocery store.)

    Customer: *checks a list* “A pound of [incomprehensible], please.”

    Me: “Could you repeat that, please?”

    Customer: “A pound of [incomprehensible]!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, never heard of [incomprehensible].”

    Customer: *angrily* “[Incomprehensible]! You call yourself a grocery?!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t have it!”

    Customer: “I’ll never come back here again!” *leaves grumbling*

    (An hour later, he returns.)

    Customer: *apologetic smile* “Couldn’t read my handwriting. A pound of roast beef, please.”

    That’s One Shell Of A Cat-astrophe

    | Michigan, USA | Pets & Animals

    Me: “Welcome to [business name]. How can I help you?”

    Couple: “We need a carpet cleaner. We saw this one in the ad.”

    Me: “It’s right over here.” *takes them to the cleaner*

    Couple: “We have cat vomit everywhere.”

    Me: “Well, this should help. Here are some of its features—”

    Couple: “We can’t even have company over. It’s embarrassing. There is so much cat vomit on the floor!”

    Me: “Well, this one over here has better brushes.” *demonstrates another product*

    Couple: “If our landlord were to see it, we’d get evicted. There is so much cat vomit!”

    Me: “Well, this model is what I recommend.” *still showing features*

    Couple: “…and the cats drag their meat all over the house.”

    Me: “…I’m sorry?”

    Couple: “We feed them raw meat, and they keep dragging it all over the house. It gets in the carpet!”

    Me: “Wow. Yeah, this should help get that out.”

    Couple: “We’ll take it. What sort of soap can we use with this?”

    Me: “It doesn’t matter; it doesn’t have to be the same brand. Here’s some.” *shows them some soap*

    Couple: “Is that going to be safe for our turtle?”

    Me: “Huh?”

    Couple: “We also have a turtle that we let roam around. This soap won’t hurt him, will it?”

    The DST Fairy Bids Thee Good Morning

    | Grapevine, TX, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Math & Science

    (I am working in guest care at a hotel. It’s the morning after “springing forward”, and a guest calls down to ask the time.)

    Guest: “What’s the current local time?”

    Me: “It is 7:45 AM.”

    Guest: “Then why does my clock say that time already? Did you send a maid into my room while I was sleeping to set my clock forward?! That is just unacceptable!”

    Me: “Sir, the rooms all have atomic clocks that are automatically set by satellite signal.”

    Guest: *click*

    Don’t Have A Cow, Man

    | Finland |

    (I work in a shoe store. A customer comes over to me with a pair of shoes.)

    Customer: “What material are these shoes made of? Are they made of leather?”

    Me: “No, they are synthetic.”

    (According to my boss, we don’t need to know the exact formula, just that a pair of shoes is synthetic or leather, etc.)

    Customer: “Synthetic? What exactly does that mean? So, they’re not leather?”

    Me: “No, they’re not. Synthetic means they’re artificially made and not of leather or any other naturally occurring material.”

    Customer: “Uh-huh. But are they leather?”

    Me: “No.”

    (Customer takes the pair of shoes away. Two minutes later I see her talking to my coworker with another, similar pair of shoes in her hands. This new pair is clearly made of same material than the previous one.)

    Customer: *to coworker* “Synthetic, I see. But are they made of leather?”

    On A Power Trip

    | Maryland, USA | Crazy Requests

    (I work nights in a call center. Tonight, I am taking calls for a company that handles electric repairs for farm equipment and generators. Since they have “Electric” in their name, we get a lot of calls for people trying to reach the power company. It’s about 2 AM.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. Can I help you?”

    Caller: “I ain’t got no ‘lectric.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, but this isn’t—”

    Caller: “What you gonna do ’bout it? My son has asthma; he can’t be without air conditioning!”

    (Note that it’s about 50 degrees outside, so it’s not hot at all.)

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that as well, but this isn’t—”

    Caller: “He’s turning blue!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I think you should take him to the emergency room right away!”

    Caller: “They ain’t got no power either!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can see the hospital from my office window. They appear to have power.”

    Caller: “Listen, you! We have no power and my child is sick. You need to do something.”

    Me: “Ma’am, as I’ve been trying to explain, this isn’t your electric company. This is a a generator company for farm equipment. I’m pretty sure you have the wrong number. If you are concerned about the child, I urge you to take them to the hospital or call 911!”

    Caller: “If you came into MY restaurant to eat, got sick, and called to complain, I would fix the problem. I wouldn’t tell you to go to the hospital!”

    Me: “Ma’am, at this point, I really feel you are being needlessly antagonistic. I’ve told you that you have the wrong number and there’s nothing I can do for you. If you don’t want to take him to the hospital and he needs air conditioning to breathe, I suggest you take him outside. It’s only 50 degrees out—”

    Caller: “Did you just call me evil?! I’ll have your job for this! I’m recording this call, you little b****! And when I find you–”

    Me: “All of our calls are recorded, ma’am. If you continue to threaten me, I will contact the police. You have the wrong number. Good night.”

    (She calls back at least a dozen more times, continuing not to listen, refusing to believe she has the wrong number, or that there is power at the hospital.)

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