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    The Cannabis Chronicles

    | Hilo, HI, USA | Health & Body, Technology

    Customer: “I need an auxiliary cable and a USB cord.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem.”

    (I take the customer to where the USB cords are and hand him the one he wants. He puts it under his arm and we continue over to where the aux cables are.)

    Me: “All right, and here’s your cable. Is there anything else that I can help you with today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need a USB cord.”

    Me: “Like the one under your arm?”

    (The customer looks down and seems shocked to be holding the cord.)

    Customer: “Woah! Must be all that weed I smoke!”

    Made From Soylent Green

    | Perth, WA, Australia | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Me: “What salad would you like?”

    Customer: “Lettuce, cucumber, capsicum, Filipino–”

    Me: *laughing* “Did you mean jalapeño?”

    The Notified And The (Not)ified, Part 2

    , | Northwest England, UK | Technology

    (I work for a broadband provider that has a package for 10GB in usage. This is normally for those who use the internet very little. If you hit 7GB, we will send you an e-mail to let you know. If you go over the 10GB, we will e-mail you and advise you to move up in packages to avoid being charged for going over.)

    Me: “Hello, you’re through to [name] at [ISP]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: *angrily* “You’d better help! I’ve just seen one of my bills and it says you are charging me for going over my broadband usage.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, sorry to hear about that. Let me just have a look into this…”

    (I check his broadband usage and he has used about 70GB. He has an average usage of 60GB for the last 12 months.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, I can see that there has been a lot of high usage for the last year. If you move to an unlimited pack, you wont be charged for going over this month.”

    Customer: “The last year? I better not have been charged for that.”

    Me: “I’m afraid you have been, sir. We have sent you many e-mails to let you know when you got near and went over the usage.”

    (He has been sent so many e-mails, the first 20 are not even shown on the list.)

    Customer: “Bull***t! I check my e-mails 10 times a day and not once have you ever e-mailed me!”

    Me: “Sir, we have sent the e-mails to [e-mail address].”

    Customer: “I don’t use that e-mail address anymore, so of course I didn’t get them!”

    Me: “Did you ever update your e-mail with us so we can send them to the correct e-mail?”

    Customer: “No, but you should have checked if I have opened them or not. You should have let me know that I was near my usage limit in the post!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but [ISP] wouldn’t know you have swapped your e-mail unless you inform us. In regard to letting you know by post, it takes 5 working days for a letter to be sent out, sir. In that time, you would have gone over the 10GB and still would have been charged. Also, you are on monthly paper billing, so we have actually informed you via post every month on your bill.”

    Customer: *very angrily* “Well, I don’t open my bills! Just by chance, my wife opened this one and showed me these charges!”

    Me: “I sorry, sir, but like your e-mails, we don’t know if you have been opening your mail or not. So, we have informed you via post and e-mail but you have not opened either. What else would you have us do?”

    Customer: “Well! Have you ever thought about telling me over the phone?”

    Me: “I am doing that now, sir—”

    Customer: “Well, it ain’t good enough!” *hangs up*

    Related:
    The Notified And The (Not)ified

    A Solemn Resignation

    | Missouri, USA | At The Checkout

    (An old male customer walks up to my register.)

    Me: “How are you today?”

    Customer: “I’m old and ugly!”

    Me: “Well, thats not a very nice thing to say about yourself.”

    Customer: “You, on the other hand, might get old, but never ugly.”

    Me: “Aww, thanks.”

    Seeing Red

    | Austin, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

    (I am a cashier in a local state-wide grocery store. We have a red logo. A customer comes through my line, and checks through without incident until she hands me her coupons.)

    Me: “Ma’am, these coupons are from [other national retailer with a red logo].”

    Customer: “But you both have a red logo! Can’t you take those?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I’m not allowed to take coupons from other chains.”

    Customer: “But they’re both red! Why can’t you take them?!”

    Me: “They aren’t coupons from our store—”

    Customer: “IT’S RED!”

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