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    N For Knucklehead

    | Texas, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I work with IT issues over the phone. Sometimes, it’s hard to hear the customers clearly.)

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, and on your username, was that N as in Nancy?”

    Customer: “No, N like knife.”

    Me: *jokingly* “So, N like pneumonia?”

    Customer: *exasperated* “Yes! I said N as in knife! Jeeze, can you turn up your volume or something?”

    Butter Be More Careful Next Time

    | Calgary, Alberta, Canada | Food & Drink

    (An upset customer approaches me waving around a half-eaten bagel.)

    Customer: “Who would put so much butter on this bagel?”

    Me: “What’s the problem?”

    Customer: “Do you seriously think it needs this much butter? Seriously?”

    Me: “You want less butter?”

    Customer: “The bagel is hot! Butter melts, and it dripped all over my shirt! This is a $50 shirt, and it’s ruined! Why would you put so much butter on this? It’s ridiculous!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Would you like a refund?”

    Customer: “I’d like you to pay for this shirt, is what I want! Who in their right mind puts on so much butter? Does this seem reasonable to you? Seriously! Look at how much butter is on it!”

    Me: “Well, you did ask for extra butter, ma’am.”

    Customer: “It’s ruined my shirt! So who’s going to pay for it? I’m not going to!”

    Me: “Let me get our supervisor.”

    (The supervisor proceeds to speak kindly to her, smile meekly, nod, and say “mhmm” a lot. She then gives the customer a complaint form to fill out. Somewhat calmer, and believing the supervisor was on her side, the customer takes the form and starts walking out.)

    Customer: “Well, I’ll try washing the shirt then, but if the stain doesn’t come out, someone here is going to be paying for this shirt! Seriously! Who actually thinks a bagel needs that much butter?”

    The Fries Are Tastier On The Other Side

    | Ottawa, Ontario, Canada | Food & Drink

    (I work at a food court restaurant that primarily serves fries. On quiet days like today, we do all our cooking to order. A group of three French women have just come up to our counter and are trying to decide what to order. They each get an order of fries and gravy and leave to sit and eat. Suddenly, the first customer comes back to the counter.)

    Customer #1: “I want new fries.”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry. Was there something wrong with your food?”

    Customer #1: “Their fries taste better.”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer #1: “I tried my fries, then I tried their fries. Theirs are better, so I want new ones!”

    (All three women’s fries were from the same batch, cooked and prepared exactly the same way.)

    Weeding Out The Crazies

    | Chicago, Illinois, USA |

    (I work in a store that sells lotions, body scrubs, etc. One of our best sellers is our line of hemp products.)

    Customer: “So, what’s this stuff over here?”

    Me: “This is all of our hemp products. A lot of customers who don’t like heavily-scented lotions tend to like this stuff a lot. It’s a fantastic moisturizer.”

    Customer: *quietly* “It’s not real hemp though, is it?”

    Me: “No, it is. All of our products contain natural ingredients.”

    Customer: “Oh, No! I want absolutely NOTHING to do with this stuff!” *walks away*

    On Our Side For Once

    | New York, NY, USA | Crazy Requests

    (A customer left her shopping cart in front of my register. Another customer is walking up before I can move it. This is a huge pet peeve of mine.)

    Customer: “Did they leave that there so I would trip?”

    Me: “No, she left it because she was lazy.”

    Customer: *completely seriously* “You’re so nice!”

    Me: “Thank you?”

    Customer: “You’re just as nice as everyone else who works here. Do they only hire nice people here?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, they try to only hire nice people here.”

    Customer: “Well, you tell your manager to start hiring some rude people!”

    Me: “Excuse me, Sir?”

    Customer: “Yes! Hire some rude people! Keep us on our toes!”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll let someone know.”


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