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    That’s The Way The Cookie Grumbles

    | Chesapeake, VA, USA | Food & Drink

    (I work at a movie theater that sells a popular brand of cookies. On weekends, we often sell out faster than we can bake. On this day, we are sold out.)

    Customer: “Do you have any cookies prepared?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, but—”

    Customer: “Let me speak to your manager!”

    (The manager is in the area and overhears.)

    Manager: “What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “I was told you don’t have any cookies!”

    Manager: “None that are ready to eat, but there are some in the—”

    Customer: “You should keep them stocked! If I can keep my cookie oven stocked, so can you! I only come to the theater for the cookies!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, I swear on my honor as a man that we will have cookies ready the next time you come in.”

    Customer: “You better!”

    (After she leaves, he dubs the woman the Cookie Monster. Now, whenever we run out of cookies, it’s a running joke to say “Hurry and bake more before the Cookie Monster comes for us!”)

    Undeserving And Uptight

    | Maine, USA |

    (I work for a small city police department as the parking enforcement officer. I’m writing a parking ticket for a car parked over the time limit when a snobbish driver driving a sports car parallel parks in a nearby space and gets out of her car.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am. Could you do me a favor and back your car up a few feet? You’re over the line just a bit.”

    (I point to where the front bumper is a good three feet into the next space.)

    Driver: “Seriously?”

    Me: “Yes, please. If your car is too far into the next space, then the next person who tries to park in that space will have to park even more forward. It causes a domino effect where until no car on the street will be able to fit into a space.”

    Driver: “Fine. I can’t believe this!”

    (She gets back into her car, backs up two feet, then drives forward even more than she was before. I realize that she thinks I’m concerned about how far she is from the curb, and she’s trying to wiggle closer.)

    Driver: “There, is that good enough?”

    Me: “Well, it’s not the side lines I’m worried about. You’re fine there. See this line here?” *taps the line dividing her space from the one in front of it* “You need to be inside these lines so that other cars will be able to use the space in front of you.”

    Driver: “I don’t get it. I’m centered between the other cars.”

    Me: “Yes, but that’s because the car in front of you is a tiny car and they’re parked all the way at the front of their space. They’re still well within their lines.”

    Driver: “How am I supposed to tell if I’m behind that line? I can’t see the lines when I’m inside the car. Do you expect me to get out of the car and look?”

    Me: “I understand it can be tricky. But most people manage to park inside the lines.”

    Driver: “Boy, this city must be hard up for money if you’re being this picky about parking.”

    Me: “Actually, I’m trying to help you not get a ticket. You just need to back up a few feet and then you’ll be out of the other space.”

    (The driver gets back into her car with a huff, and very slowly backs it up. I give her a wave to let her know that she’s good.)

    Driver: “There, I hope you’re happy! If I knew I’d be dealing with a b**** today, I would have gone somewhere else!”

    When Intelligences Cancel Out

    | New Zealand | At The Checkout, Money, Top

    (I am a checkout operator in a supermarket, and I have just finished ringing up a customer’s order. )

    Me: “So, that comes to a total of $36.76.  Is there anything else?”

    Customer: “I also want a $50 gift card.”

    (I add on the gift card and hand it to her.)

    Me: “Okay, now the total is $86.76. Will that be all today?”

    Customer: “Yes, thank you.”

    Me: “How would you like to pay for your order?”

    Customer: “I’d like to use this gift card.” *hands me the same $50 gift card that I just activated for her*

    Me: “Uh, you still need to pay for this gift card.”

    Customer: “Yes, but I’d like to pay for it with the gift card.”

    Me: “But the gift card is worth $50.  Your order is $86.76.”

    Customer: *rolls eyes* “Uh-huh, so just pay $50 of it with the gift card, and I’ll give you cash for the rest!”

    Me: “So that will take your total back to the original $36.76.”

    Customer: *looks at me like I’m stupid* “Duh!”

    You Read My Mind

    | Lake Zurich, IL, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink

    (I’m working the concession stand at the local movie theater when two teenage girls approach.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Customer #1: “Yes, I’d like a large.”

    Me: “A large what?”

    Customer #1: *glares angrily* “A large POP.”

    Me: *stares at her and smiles*

    Customer #1: *angrily* “What?!”

    Customer #2: “Tell him what kind of pop.”

    Customer #1: *laughs* “Oh my God, I’m so blonde!”

    This iPhone Doesn’t Fall Far From The Tree

    | Cedar Park, TX, USA | Family & Kids

    (I’m putting up items in the electronics section at my store. A small child is playing with a phone on display. The mother notices, grabs the phone, and puts it down.)

    Mother: “Son, don’t play with that!”

    Son: “Why not?”

    Mother: “You’re not smart, so you don’t need a smartphone!”

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