Featured Story:
  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
    (2,833 thumbs up)
  • Customers Can Be Tiring

    , | Portland, OR, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (As part of our Memorial Day Weekend special, our tire shop is offering a flat rate $10 tire patch for flat tires. A customer calls ahead to inquire, and walks into our store an hour later.)

    Customer: “I’m here to get the $10 tire patch.”

    (The customer places an extremely old tire on the counter.)

    Me: “I apologize, but this tire is beyond patching. You are going to need to purchase a new tire.”

    Customer: “To h*** I am! You told me on the phone that you could fix this tire for $10, and that’s exactly what you’re going to do.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we can only patch tires with holes or leaks that are in otherwise good condition. This tire has multiple slash marks, and at least five nails that I can count. Not to mention, the rim is corroded and warped.”

    Customer: “Bulls***! You’re doing this because I’m a woman. Don’t think I’m smart enough to know my tires? Well, I’m smart enough to know that your commercials says that I can throw this tire through your window if I’m not satisfied!”

    (The customer tries—and fails—to throw her tire through our front glass. After a few attempts, she picks up a tire iron and starts breaking any glass she can find, including our front window and door. I manage to wrestle the tire iron away from her. At that moment, a policeman also walks in with his own tires.)

    Me: “Ma’am, firstly, that commercial was clearly from [our competitor]. Secondly, there is an armed officer literally right behind you!”

    Policeman: *sighs* “Ma’am, you’re under arrest for disorderly conduct and destruction of property.” *to me* “Can I go ahead and get these two tires replaced? I’ll pick them up when I’m done with the paperwork on all of this…”

    (The woman is arrested and taken away. Everyone in the store remains silent as we reflect on the damage.)

    Manager: “What the f*** just happened?!”

    Your Argument Just Went Up In Smoke

    | BC, Canada | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

    (A young man walks into store, grabs two energy drinks, and then comes to the till to pay. As he’s paying, a middle-aged customer comes into the store.)

    Middle-aged Customer: “I can’t believe they haven’t banned those energy drinks yet! They’re so bad for you. Some kid down in the States died from them!”

    Young Customer: *finishes paying and leaves*

    Middle-aged Customer: “I’ll have two packs of cigarettes, please.”

    Greeting Sheldon Cooper

    | Livingston, NJ, USA | Bizarre

    (I am greeting customers by the front entrance when an elderly man enters with his middle-aged daughter.)

    Me: “How’s it going today, sir?”

    Customer: “Well, that entirely depends on what you mean by ‘it,’ doesn’t it?”

    Me: “Um, well—”

    Customer: “If by ‘it’ you mean to ask how I’m doing, well, my back is very bad today. I’ve had several surgeries on it and it is still remarkably painful.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that—”

    Customer: “On the other hand, perhaps ‘it’ is a vague reference to the general state of things in this country. If that is, in fact, the case, I should point out that the current economic climate—”

    Customer’s Daughter: “What he means to say is that he’s fine. Thanks for asking!” *mouths to me when he’s not looking* “I’m sorry!”

    Related:
    Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 8 (Not Always Romantic)

    His Plan Is In The Toilet

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Liars & Scammers

    (I work in a movie theater that is inside a mall. Sometimes, the mall closes their restrooms so they use our restrooms instead.)

    Customer: “Can I use your bathroom?”

    Me: “Sure, they are right over there.” *points to restrooms*

    Customer: *walks past where I point*

    Me: “Sir, you walked past the restrooms.”

    Customer: “Well, I was going to use the ones in the back.”

    (I realize he’s just trying to sneak into a movie.)

    Me: “Well, the restrooms in the front are just as good as the ones in the back.”

    (The customer groans and walks into the restroom, but leaves only after a few seconds.)

    Customer: “F*** you, p****!”

    Me: “Have a good day, sir!”

    Accusations Wood Require Hard Proof

    | Calgary, Canada | Rude & Risque, Time

    (My landscaping company gets an early job at 7:45 AM at a residence. While starting on the lawn, the customer suddenly comes barging out of his house. It’s obvious that he’s just woken up.)

    Customer: “DO YOU BASTARDS KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?! It’s 7:45! I said show up at 8:45!”

    (Note: the customer is wearing sweat pants and has some REALLY bad morning wood going on.)

    Boss: “Sir, you said 7:45. We talked about this two days ago.”

    (As my boss says this, all of the workers are trying not to laugh at the customer’s morning wood.)

    Customer: “Screw you! I knew what I asked for! I will show you I wrote it down!”

    (A couple of moments later, he comes back out wearing an embarrassed face.)

    Customer: “I got the time wrong. Sorry…” *goes back inside, still with morning wood*

    Page 932/2,213First...930931932933934...Last