Kicking Off Over A Kicking Off

| FL, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Wild & Unruly

(I am cashing out a couple who is buying a laptop and some anti-virus software. We have a deal; if you purchase a computer, your anti-virus will be free for six months or $20 for one year. One of the store managers is coaching me.)

Me: “So, would you like six months of free anti-virus or one year for $20?”

Customer: “The guy back there told us it was $17!”

Manager: “No, it is actually $20.”

Customer: “SO HE LIED?!”

Manager: “Seems like he did.”

Customer: “I’M GOING TO GO BACK THERE AND KICK HIS A**!”

Manager: “Go ahead.”

(The customer, her husband, and I are all taken aback.)

Customer: “…Really?”

Manager: “Actually, let me go get him.”

(My manager leaves my register, and heads to our computer department. The customer’s wife is now laughing while the husband starts to sweat.)

Customer: “Is he coming back? I was just joking! I still want the one year. I’m sorry! I was just joking!”

(The couple quickly pays and leaves before the manager comes back to my register.)

The Cat Is Out Of The Bag

| USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

(A customer is buying furniture to be delivered and assembled by our tech.)

Customer: “I have cats, so whoever you send over must not be allergic.”

Me: “No problem, ma’am.”

Customer: “Make sure he’s a vegetarian, too.”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “He has to have brown hair, and an earring, but no tattoos. He needs to be good at sports.”

Me: “I don’t think we can do all that.”

Customer: “He needs to know a language other than English.”

Me: “You’re just kidding, right?”

Customer: “Yes. Just stick with the no cat allergy request.”

Me: “Alright then.”

Give Pizza A Chance

| Merseyside, England, UK | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(A customer calls for a pizza delivery.)

Customer: “I want a large pizza with all the toppings.”

Me: “We’ve got over 30 different kind of toppings; which would you like?”

Customer: “All of them; I’m starving.”

Me: “A pizza with 30 toppings isn’t going to taste very nice.”

Customer: “I don’t care; I’m starving. I want all the toppings.”

Me: “One of the toppings is sliced banana; do you want that one?”

Customer: “Ugh! Banana? No, not on a pizza. Okay, leave that off.”

Me: “Do you like olives?”

Customer: “Er, no. None of them.”

Me: “Anchovies?”

Customer: “What are they?”

Me: “Small strips of dried, salted fish.”

Customer: “Ugh, no!”

(We repeat this for 25 more items.)

Me: “So, that’s a ham and mushroom on a thin crust, with you in 30 minutes.”

Customer: “Er, yeah. Thanks.”

Rise Above It

| OH, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body

(I am a cashier at a buffet. I am very short and am standing next to another cashier over six feet. Our buffet guests have been standing in line for about two hours for a very popular weekend dinner. I invite the next two guests in line to come pay at my register.)

Guest: “Well, aren’t you lucky! You get to sit down while we had to stand in that line for over two hours.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Guest: “I said, you’re very lucky to get to sit down while we had to stand in that line for a very long time.”

(I glance at my co-worker, who is grinning widely at the comment.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sitting down. This is as tall as I get!”

(The guest turns bright red and starts apologizing. I can’t resist taking off my shoes, which shorten me by another two inches.)

Me: “Ma’am, without my shoes I’m only this tall.”

Guest: “Please! You’d better keep your shoes on!”

Terrified Of Baggage

| Pueblo, CO, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

Customer: “I need help in choosing a vacuum cleaner.”

Me: “Okay, sure! Let me start by getting an idea of what kind of area you want it for. Do you have hardwood floors, carpets, or both? And do you have pets?”

Customer: “Well. I’ve already got one picked out, actually. I just have a question about it.”

(The customer leads me over to one of the floor models, a bag-less cyclone vacuum.)

Customer: “Does this vacuum need bags?”

Me: “Nope. It’s a bag-less cyclonic, meaning it collects what the vacuum sucks up into a reusable plastic bin.”

Customer: “Yes, but does it need bags?”

Me: “No, it doesn’t.”

Customer: “But can it take bags?”

Me: “No. It’s a bag-less. But if you want one with bags, this one over here can—”

Customer: “Look, all I want to know is if I need to buy bags for it or not! I don’t want to get this stupid thing home and realize it needs something else! Do I, or do I not, need to buy bags?”

Me: “Ma’am, this vacuum is a bag-less vacuum. It does not take bags, and couldn’t even if you wanted it to.”

Customer: “Well, can you show me where they are, at least?”

Me: “Where what are?”

(The customer points to the same bag-less cyclonic.)

Customer: “The bags for this vacuum.”

Me: *facepalm*

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