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  • Adventures In The Third Dimension, Part 3

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | Extra Stupid

    Customer: “I want you to take these two pages, which are one-sided, and make me copies that come out two-sided. But print a test copy of it first so I can see it.”

    (I print the requested double-sided copy and hand it to the customer. He stares at it for several seconds in silence.)

    Customer: “Well, that’s great and all, but what about the other side?”

    Me: “Uh, turn the paper over?”

    Customer: “OH!”

    Related:
    Adventures In The Third Dimension, Part 2
    Adventures In The Third Dimension

    Getting Burned Can Be A Pain In The Butt

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Health & Body

    (It is a very windy day during summer, and a power line has blown over in the field behind our store.)

    Me: “Hello, [pharmacy] how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I need to see if you have [hemorrhoid cream] in stock.”

    Me: “Alright, let me check…”

    (At this point, I put him on hold to check our stock when a fireman walks in. He tells us they are evacuating all the buildings in the area, and that we have 5 minutes to get out. I go back to pick up the phone so the customer isn’t on hold forever.)

    Me: “Sir, we do have it in stock. However, I can’t help you right now. I’m being told to evacuate the building.”

    Customer: “Does it have aloe vera in it?”

    Me: “I don’t know. As I said, I need to hang up. Please call back tomorrow.”

    Customer: “Can you see if you can order it for me?”

    Me: “Sir, there is a field fire right behind the pharmacy and I really can’t answer your questions right now. I was told by the fire department to evacuate. Please, call back another time.”

    Customer: “Well, fine then. I’ll just get it somewhere else!” *hangs up*

    Kernel Panic

    | Illinois, USA | Technology, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m working at my local electronics store as a technician. A customer in her mid-30s walks up with a laptop.)

    Customer: “There’s something wrong with my laptop screen. It’s all screwed up!”

    Me: “Screwed up like how? Can you please be more specific, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I don’t know how to describe it. The picture’s all warped, and there are these funny multicolored lines on it.”

    Me: “Well, let me take a look at it…”

    (The customer sets the laptop on the counter and I turn it on. As soon as it turns on, it is obvious that the laptop screen is cracked.)

    Me: “Wow! It looks like the screen has an internal crack in it. What happened? Did the laptop fall? Was it struck with something?”

    (The customer looks at me sheepishly for a few moments, and then she responds.)

    Customer: “Last night, I was online and I was eating pistachios. One of them had a really hard shell. So, I took the nut, set it on the laptop, and closed the lid on it so the shell would crack.”

    Me: “You tried to crack open a nut with your laptop?!”

    Customer: “Well, yeah. I didn’t think a pistachio would break my laptop!”

    Hot Tub Size Machine

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Family & Kids, Hotels & Lodging, Top

    (I work as a lifeguard at a swimming pool in a hotel. On the pool deck, we also have a large hot tub. As a rule, kids aren’t allowed in the tub for more than 15 minutes due to health hazards. I notice a kid, no older than six, who has been in the tub longer than 15 minutes.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, young man, but you are going to have to get out of the hot tub now.”

    Kid: “No!”

    Kid’s Mom: “Sweety, you need to come back in the pool now. The nice lady said that you had to get out.”

    Kid: “I don’t wanna!”

    (His mom gives me this lost, “no clue what to do” look.)

    Me: “Hey, I know you are a big, strong, tough guy and all, and you can probably handle a lot worse than me. However, I gotta tell you: the thing about these hot tubs is that they stunt your growth.”

    Kid: *worried* “What does that mean?”

    Me: “It means that you shrink. I remember when I was your age, I hung out in a hot tub for twenty minutes, and I shrank to the size of a Barbie doll. Never did grow back to my original size, either.”

    (The kid looks more than a little worried now, but obviously still doesn’t want to get out.)

    Me: “…And to be honest, you look a little smaller than you did when you first got in.”

    (I have never seen someone get out of a hot tub so fast in my life.)

    Not Always Indeed

    | Franklin Park, PA, USA | Food & Drink, Love/Romance, Top

    Male Customer: “Hi, we’d like to get two Frappuccinos.”

    Me: “Sure, what kind?”

    Male Customer: “What was that kind we wanted?”

    Female Customer: “The java chip ones.”

    Me: “Alright, what sizes would you like?”

    Female Customer: “Grandes.”

    Male Customer: *almost at same time* “Ventis.”

    Me: “So…you’d like a grande, and you would like a venti?”

    (The customers look at each other.)

    Female Customer: “No. We have to have them the same.”

    Me: “Oh, alright. So, which size would you both like then?”

    Male Customer: “Ugh, obviously what I said! Obviously, you’re not married!”

    Female Customer: “Seriously, you young single feminists! You’d be wise to learn that husbands and wives always do things the same! And you are to be submissive to him! How else do you think our marriage has lasted so long?”

    Me: “Ah, well, I actually am married, and my husband and I like to do things differently from each other. We find it keeps things interesting.”

    Female Customer: “Your marriage is doomed! Oh, I can’t believe the attitude of you young people. Just make us the Frappuccinos so I don’t have to look at you anymore!”

    Me: “Alright, two venti java chips, coming up…”

    (The whole time I’m making these, I hear them having an argument about how the woman will never be able to drink the whole thing and it was a waste of money, she really would have liked a different flavor, etc.)

    Me: “Here you go, two venti java chip Frappuccinos.”

    Male Customer: “You’re way too young to be married, by the way! What is it with you teenagers and taking marriage so lightly?”

    Me: “Well, I’m actually 26, and my husband and I dated for over 7 years before becoming engaged.”

    Male Customer: “NO!”

    Me: “…Sorry?”

    Male Customer: “No! You’re lying! You’re obviously a teenager and you obviously got married without thinking about it first!”

    Female Customer: “…And it’s doomed to fail because you clearly don’t know how a real marriage works! And don’t argue! The customer is always right!”

    Me: “Not always…”

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