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    Meaning What I Say

    | Omaha, NE, USA |

    (We usually ask if the customer would like a bag for a single item purchase.)

    Me: “Do you need a bag for this, sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t need a bag, if that’s what you’re trying to ask!”

    Indecent Disbursal

    , | Georgia, USA | Language & Words

    (I am a supervisor for a cell phone support center. I am plugging into my representative’s desk to grade one of their calls when I hear the following exchange.)

    Customer: “So, put me on that plan then.”

    Rep: “All right. I just need to go over some legal info with you.”

    Customer: “Are you going to procreate me?”

    Rep: “…excuse me?”

    Customer: “You know, procreate me and I get some money back.”

    (The rep is clearly confused, so I chime in.)

    Me: “I think she means ‘prorate.’”

    Rep: “Oh! Did you mean ‘prorate?’”

    Customer: “Yeah! Procreate and get money back!”

    Rep: “Yes. We can…prorate…your account.”

    Nocturnal Provisions

    | Australia | Rude & Risque

    (I work at an all-night internet cafe. We get a few customers come in late at night to watch adult movies. One night, I get a phone call along these lines.)

    Caller: “Hi, do you have webcams I can use?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Caller: “What about tissues?”

    Me: “Sorry, what was that?”

    Caller: *muffled laughter* “Tissues. Do you guys have tissues?”

    Me: *catching on* “Yes, sir…but you have to bring your own Vaseline.”

    I Also Want Your Love And Your Revenge

    | Gold Coast, Australia | Food & Drink

    (Our bakery is situated in a large outlet mall which attracts a lot of tourists. Our chocolate croissants are labeled as “pain au choc.”)

    Me: “Hi there! Can I get you anything?”

    Customer: “Hello, can I have one choc?”

    Me: “We have a few chocolate things. What’s the full name?”

    Customer: “I want…your pain.”

    Detox, Retox

    | New Jersey, USA | Health & Body

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pest control] this is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I just got medicated on Thursday and I am not due in again until next week. However, I have to work the day I am supposed to come in. Can I come in and get medicated today? I know you are closing soon I can get over there soon.”

    Me: “Um, I think you have the wrong number.”

    Customer: “Oh, this isn’t the methadone clinic?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, this is a pest control company.”

    Customer: “Oh.” *hangs up*

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