(A customer had a complaint about his food. He refused to let the girl working the register help him.)

Man: “I want to talk to a manager.”

Female employee: “Yes, sir.”

(The employee gets a Shift Manager to help her.)

Shift Manager: “Can I help you, sir?”

Man: “No, I want a manager!”

Shift Manager: “I am a Shift Manager, sir.”

Man: “I want to see the Store Manager!”

Shift Manager: “Uhm, okay sir, I’ll be right back.”

(I was in the office working on the crew schedules for the next week. Sara comes in and asks me to deal with the customer. She didn’t need to explain. I’d heard it all… he was very loud. I went to help deal with the situation.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Man: “I want to see a f**king God-da** Manager! Where’s the @#$%ing Store Manager?”

Me: “I am the store Manager, Sir.”

Man: “I want to speak to a male manager!”

Me: “Sir, all of my Shift Managers are female. As, clearly, am I.”

(Actually, every person working that day was female.)

Man: “I demand to speak to your @#%^ @#$%$ #@$% boss!”

Me: “I can get you a number so you can call my District Manager, sir. Will that be okay?”

Man: “Finally! DO IT NOW!”

Me: “Yes, sir. Just a second”

(I go into my office and grab one of the District Manager’s cards.)

Me: “Here you are, sir. If you give HER a call, I’m sure SHE will be happy to help you.”

(I thought he was going to have a heart attack after that. Purple was definitely not his color.)

(My coworker is approached at the till by a woman, somewhere in her 40s.)

Customer: “How long does your one-hour service take?”

(My coworker looks at me, and without missing a beat…)

Me: “A week.”

Customer: “Oh, nevermind then.” *walks off*

(The coworker and I look at each other and start to laugh.)

Related:
Captain Obvious Throws In The Towel
Captain Obvious’ Revenge
The Son Of Captain Obvious
Captain Obvious Strikes Back

(One day a man broke into our staff-only area and stole mine and my colleague’s purses and phones. This exchange took place about two minutes after I disturbed the burglar and he ran past me. I was in a bad state of shock.)

Customer: “What’s happened?”

Me: “Someone has just broken into upstairs and stolen our purses and mobiles.”

Customer: “Well, you know why that is don’t you? It’s because your prices are so high!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well if your prices weren’t so high then people wouldn’t need to do that.”

Me: “I’m sorry…you believe that because you think our stock is expensive that it gave someone the right to steal my personal possessions?”

(The customer then looked around her and noticed the rest of the queue staring at her in disbelief.)

Customer: “Well it’s not that I think…I mean…some might say…I…”

(She stuttered incoherently for a while and then paid for her items in silence.)

Next Customer: “What a complete fool! Are you alright, dear?”

Me: “Hi, welcome to [local and independent burger joint]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Hi…what’s on your combination burger?”

Me: “A beef patty, sauce, onions, pickles, cheese and a chopped bacon patty.”

Customer: “… And what’s on your mushroom burger?”

Me: “A beef patty, mushrooms and mushroom sauce.”

Customer: “…so what’s the difference?”

(Years ago I was working the closing shift at a local convenience store. It was late when a very elderly man came in and bought a six pack of beer, cigarettes and condoms. After ringing up the sale…)

Me: “Have a good night Sir!”

Him: “Oh I will, the missus is out of town!”

Me: *shocked and speechless*

(I worked the front security gate at a local amusement park during the summer. It has a water park inside, so people come through in bathing suits, and sometimes less. A guest walks through the metal detector and it flashes red.)

Me: “Do you have anything metallic on you sir? Like maybe your car keys, a watch? Something like that?”

Guest: “No, I didn’t drive here, my friend did.” *points to his friend and walks back through the gate*

Me: “Surprise, it flashed red again. Are you sure you don’t have anything metallic on you?”

Guest: “NO! I told you I didn’t drive here!”

(He began to take off his shorts and shirt before I could say anything; he had nothing but a speedo on underneath.)

Me: “Umm, what’s that?”

(He drops the speedos in front of the crowd.)

Guest: “Those are my keys, I put them in my bathing suit so I wouldn’t lose them on the rides.”

Me: “Please pull your pants back up, and those do count as something metallic, just so you know for next time.”

(He walks into the park with his friends, and now I have a line of guests who all assume I will make them strip…awesome.)

(A teacher calls me to her classroom. She is trying to project an image on a screen behind a student for a TV camera shot with the projector at eye level in front of the student.)

Teacher: “There is a shadow behind the student now. How can I get rid of that?”

Me: “You can’t. He is blocking the light from the projector from getting to the screen. You could put the projector behind the student, but the image would be smaller on the screen.”

Teacher: “Then what can we do?”

(I get the idea of holding a piece of paper over part of the lens of the projector to create a square area where the student stands where no light would shine. This gives the shadow a bit neater of a shape rather than a human shape.)

Me: “Here, hold this paper over the left side of the lens where the student is standing.”

(The teacher puts a piece of paper RIGHT IN FRONT of the students face.)

Me: “No, right by the lens so a square unlit area will be where the student is standing.”

(The teacher moves the piece of paper and puts it directly BEHIND the students head.)

Me: “No, here…”

(I put the piece of paper in front of the projector lens, leaving a nice square dark area on the screen where the student would stand.)

Teacher: “Well now there is a square there! There is no image directly behind the student, just around the student!”

Me: “Yeah, I know. There is nothing you can do about that, though. It’s the physics of light.”

Teacher: “What if I ask your boss? Think he could do it?”

Me: “No, he cannot bend light around objects.”

Teacher: “Why not?”

Me: “Because he’s not a black hole.”

(I work at a sandwich shop. I have conversations like this every day. Mind you, he has a line of twelve other customers behind him. Also note that Hearty Italian only describes the type of bread.)

Customer: “I’d like a six inch hearty italian.”

Me: *gets bread* “What would you like on that?”

Customer: “Six inch hearty italian.”

Me: “What would you like ON it?”

Customer: “Hearty italian.”

Me: “What kind of sandwich is it?”

Customer: “Six inch.”

Me: *heavy sigh* “Oooookay then…”

Related:
DE TING, DE TING!!!

(I worked at this little burger joint in Seattle. I’m white, but I’m bilingual. Our grill workers all spoke primarily Spanish, so I would talk to customers in English and call back orders in Spanish.)

Old Man Customer: “Now, what is a pretty young thing like you doing speaking the Dirty Man’s Language?”

Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

Old Man Customer: “You should be speaking English! Its only natural, here in America!”

Me: “It’s just fastest, sir. The language communicates more efficiently in an environment like this.”

(I was not about to tell him that the grill workers were mostly South American immigrants, after hearing his first reaction.)

Old Man Customer: “Have some pride in your country! SPEAK ENGLISH when you call back my order, do you understand?”

Me, knowing full well that his order wouldn’t actually come through if I did that: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m afraid it’s procedure.”

Old Man Customer: “I want to speak with your manager! This restaurant is just UNAMERICAN!”

Manager, who had been working the register next to me: “Si, señor?”

Old Man Customer: *storms out*

Related:
Welcome To People’s Pizza, Comrade

Customer: “Yeah I need some shelving.”

Me: “Sure, do you want the wall mounted kind?”

Customer: “Oh…no.”

Me: “Okay, so you want the free standing kind?

Customer: “No, that’s not it either.”

Me: “Umm, okay. Do you want it to hang from a ceiling or something?”

Customer: “No, I just want some shelving!”

Me: “Do you want it to levitate??”

Related:
Mission: Impossible, Part 2
Mission: Impossible