November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

The Machine Runs On Punch-Lines Of Code

| PA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Technology

(I am working the self-scans, bagging a customer’s groceries. The customer puts two small plastic containers filled with olives on the belt. The self-scan is programmed not only to mention the price of an item, but also to weigh some items, and let people know if their item should be placed on the belt or not.)

Self-Scan Machine: “Please take your item to the bagging area.”

(The customer puts both containers on the belt instead of taking it to the bagging area, and watches as the belt doesn’t move.)

Self-Scan Machine: “Please take your item to the bagging area.”

(The customer puts her hand on both containers and instead of picking them up and giving them to me, she pushes them down the belt causing the self-scan to freeze.)

Self-Scan Machine: “Please stand by. Help is on the way.”

(The customer turns to me.)

Customer: “Why do you need to help me?”

Me: “Because you pushed your olives down the belt. You never have to put these on the belt. Just bring them to me so I can bag them.”

Customer: “Oh! When the machine told me to bring these items straight down, I actually had to do it? I didn’t have to put them on the belt at all?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “I thought this machine was just joking with me.”

Fractional Intelligence, Part 2

, | Jasper, IN, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science

(I work at the drive-thru.)

Me: “Thank you for choosing [restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like a 16 piece family meal with two thirds of it fish.”

Me: I’m sorry, ma’am; did you want 10 or 11 fish?”

Customer: “What do mean?”

Me: “Two thirds isn’t a proper fraction to use. It will give you between 10-11 pieces. So how many pieces would you like?”

Customer: “I don’t see how you get those numbers. Just give me 12 fish. Is that a fraction you can figure out?”

Me: “Yes, one 16 piece, 3/4 fish the rest chicken. Is there anything else for you today?”

Customer: “I don’t see the difference between 3/4 and 2/3, but okay.”

Fractional Intelligence

To Give Credit Where It Is Due

| Lancaster, CA, USA | Health & Body, Money, Top

(A gym member comes to the front sales desk and speaks with my coworker.)

Member: “I received a notice in the mail that there was an issue with my monthly billing. Could you help me figure this out?”

Coworker: “No problem.”

(My coworker proceeds to look over the member’s record in the computer.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, it appears that the credit card on file is no longer valid. That has caused your payments to be rejected.”

Member: “I don’t understand how that’s possible. Is this the card you have on file?”

(The member hands my coworker her credit card.)

Coworker: “No, ma’am. We have a different card number on file. Did you recently receive a new card from your credit card company?”

Member: “Yes, this is it. I don’t understand why they always have to change the card number and screw up all my bills like this.”

Coworker: “I know it can be quite frustrating, but don’t worry. I will take care of this for you, and have you back to normal in no time.”

(My coworker enters her new card number into the computer, takes the member’s past due payment, and hands her a receipt. The member then gathers her belongings and exits the building. No more than two minutes later, I see the same member coming back to the front desk with her receipt in hand. From previous experience, I know that this generally means the customer is upset about what they see on the receipt, and wants to yell at us.)

Me: “Uh oh, she’s back; brace yourself.”

(The member walks up to my coworker, and I wait for her to begin complaining.)

Coworker: “Hello again, ma’am. Is there something else I can help you with?”

Member: “Oh no, dear. I was half way to my car, when I realized I forgot to say thank you for all your help. So thank you, and I am so sorry for my lack of manners.”

Coworker: “It was my pleasure, ma’am. Have a wonderful day.”

Me: *dumbfounded*

Checking Her Out At The Checkout Just Checked Out

| LA, USA | At The Checkout, Love/Romance, Top

(My boyfriend is visiting me at work. He’s currently at the back of the store, looking at our soft drinks. I am ringing up a customer’s items.)

Me: “Is this all you need, sir?”

Customer: “No, I need your digits so we can go out sometime.”

Me: “Not happening. Your total is $15.86, sir.”

(He pays but he doesn’t leave. My boyfriend walks up to the counter with his drink. The customer nudges him with an elbow, and starts talking to him.)

Customer: “What sort of guy do you think she goes for?”

Boyfriend: “Well, she wants a guy who is smart, charming, witty, and funny in an off-beat kind of way.”

(I am grinning as I nod.)

Me: “Yep. He’d have to be 5’9; muscular but not beefy. He’d need hazel eyes, a light olive complexion, black hair, and a cheeky grin.”

(My boyfriend smirks and the customer frowns.)

Customer: “It sounds like she just described you.”

Boyfriend: “That’s because she was describing me. She’s my girlfriend.”

Customer: “Oh! I meant no harm, man!”

(The customer runs out of the store with his bag, and we both start laughing.)

Me: “You should visit me at work more often.”

Life Needs An Undo Button

| USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I work at an online backup company. Our pricing is based on what storage amounts are used. You can get a free small account and upgrade to a paid account with more space later.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [name of business], this is [my name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, hi, I needed to wipe my hard drive. I got a free account, but it wasn’t enough space. I paid to upgrade and then wiped my drive. Where is all my backed up stuff?!”

Me: “When you upgraded the account, did you try to back up again so it would upload whatever didn’t fit before?”

Caller: “No, it didn’t say I needed to do that! I just paid for the extra space this morning! You mean I lost all of my stuff?”

Me: “Well, if you ran out of space, and then paid for more space, but didn’t back anything up, then all we’d have is what you backed up before.”

Caller: “So, you’re basically saying I’m an idiot, then?”

Me: “Uh…”