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    Environ-Mental

    | Burlington, VT, USA | Bizarre

    (My friend and I are browsing t-shirts. We’re glad to be out of the 97-degree heat wave attacking all of Vermont. Suddenly, we hear an angry customer behind us.)

    Customer: “It’s an outrage! You should be ashamed of yourselves!”

    (We turn around and see a middle-aged man yelling at the two young ladies behind the register. He appears completely normal otherwise.)

    Customer: “I refuse to shop here! This is completely immoral!”

    (He begins to go around to every single customer and repeat some variation of this rant, which we can’t quite catch until he runs up to us.)

    Customer: *to us* “Don’t shop here. Leave right now. They have their door open and the air conditioning on and it’s CRIMINAL! If you shop here, you hate the environment!”

    (He goes to the door, spins around dramatically and yells out one last time.)

    Customer: “This business supports global warming! Don’t give them your money; they’re trying to destroy the earth for profit!”

    (He then stomps outside, presumably to repeat this same rant to every other store on the block.)

    Cashier: *to us* “Our air conditioning isn’t even on…”

    Deluded About Rude

    | Arkansas, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre

    (I’ve just made a food order that costs less than $10. The customer pays with a $50 bill.)

    Customer: “I’m so sorry. This is so rude.”

    Me: *laughing politely* “Don’t worry about it, sir. It’s not rude at all. I’ve had people order a sandwich for $6.50 and pay with a $100 bill. That’s rude.”

    Customer: “That is rude. That’s VERY rude. But this is rude as well!”

    Me: “Well, I don’t think it’s rude, sir.”

    (I give him his change and order number.)

    Customer: “Um, where do I get my drink?”

    (This is a very common question, as our drinks are self-serve.)

    Me: “Your cup is in that blue rack next to the Coke machine.”

    Customer: *to a random customer as he walks away* “You see? I’m so stupid I couldn’t even figure out where the cups are!”

    The Girl Who Cross-Shopped The Employee’s Best

    | OR, USA |

    (A customer walks into the bookstore and begins looking around.)

    Me: “Hello! Is there anything I can help you find today?”

    Customer: “Yes, there is this book that I heard about on the radio that I want to read.  I can’t remember the title, though.”

    Me: “Alright, do you know who the author is?”

    Customer: “No, but I’m pretty sure that he was from Norway, and it came out really recently.”

    Me: “Okay, I can’t think of any books by Norwegian authors that are big right now, but I can try to see what we have. I’ll go ask my boss if she can think of anything.”

    Me: *to my boss* “Do you know of any books by Norwegian authors that came out recently?”

    Boss: “No. Do they know anything else about it?”

    Me: “I’m not sure, but I will ask.”

    (I walk back to the customer.)

    Me: “Neither of us can think of anything by a Norwegian author that came out recently. Can you think of anything else about the book? If we don’t have it in stock, I can special order it for you.”

    Customer: “I think it was a mystery.”

    (On a hunch, I walk out to our new book display and pick up “The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest” by Swedish author Stieg Larsson.)

    Me: “It wouldn’t happen to be this, would it?  This book came out very recently in hard cover and is very popular right now.”

    Customer: “That’s it!”

    Me: “Excellent! That book is actually part of a series.  We have the first one right over here if you are interested.”

    (I walk over and grab the first book and hold it out to her.)

    Customer:The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo? Okay, that looks good!”

    (I continue holding the book out for her, but she doesn’t take it.)

    Me: “If this is all, I can ring it up for you right now, or I can set it aside for you while you browse.”

    Customer: *happily* “Oh, no, I’m not going to buy it. Now that I know what the book is, I am going to go home and buy it on my Kindle!” *turns and leaves without another word*

    Greetings & Confrontations

    | Missouri, USA | Bizarre

    (An older customer walks in the store. We usually try to greet every customer as they walk in.)

    Me: “Hi!”

    Customer: “Hi there. How are you?”

    Me: “I’m pretty good. How about yourself?”

    Customer: “Well, you might as well say you’re freaking fantastic, because no one really cares how you are anyways!” *walks off*

    A Wick-ed Accident

    | Valencia, Spain | Bizarre, Health & Body, Top

    (My friend is a nurse at a local hospital.)

    Patient: “My belly is hurting me.”

    My Friend: “Don’t worry, sir. We’ll sort it out.”

    (My friend proceeds to do a routine examination on the patient. Whenever she touches the patient’s abdomen, he suffers from a lot of pain. They take him to the x-ray room for scans.)

    My Friend: “Sir, it appears you have… um… three candles lodged in your rectum. Do you have any idea how this happened?”

    Patient: “Well… er… I was carrying an armful of candles down some stairs and I tripped and…” *trails off into silence*

    My Friend: “So, you fell on a candle.”

    Patient: “Yes.”

    My Friend: “Then you fell again, on another candle.”

    Patient: “Yes.”

    My Friend: “And then once more, on yet another candle.”

    Patient: “That’s what happened!

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