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    When Press Comes To Shove

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Top

    (I’m working at a dry cleaners. It’s nearly closing time, so my 6’5″, 250 lb. fiancé is waiting out of sight in the back for me to finish up. A last minute customer arrives.)

    Customer: *angrily* “Are my shirts done yet?!”

    Me: “Yes, sir. Let me get those for you.”

    (I get the shirts, which the customer has waited a long time to pick up—several weeks. They are therefore not perfectly pressed anymore. The customer inspects them and is clearly not happy.)

    Customer: “This is terrible work! Look at this wrinkle!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but they were—”

    (The customer shoves himself aggressively over the counter and starts yelling abusively in my face.)

    Customer: “WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY DRY CLEANER ARE YOU ANYWAY!?”

    (Suddenly, my fiancé, who has heard all this, whips out from the back of the store and jumps in front of the counter, between me and the abusive customer. He moves to within three inches of the customer’s face, and looks down at him menacingly.)

    Fiancé: *softly, but in deep bass register* “DO. YOU. HAVE. A. PROBLEM?”

    Customer: *cowers back* “No, no…everything’s fine…”

    (The customer grabs his shirts and literally flees out the store.  I never saw him again.)

    Me: *to fiance* “I love you.”

    Mentally Closed Down

    | Goodyear, AZ, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (It’s a little after 10:00 PM and two customers walk in.)

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant]! Two tonight?”

    Customer: “Are you about to close?”

    Me: “No, we are open 24 hours.”

    Customer: “Oh…” *to his friend* “Let’s go then, dude.”

    Some Are Born Deaf To Manners

    | Arkansas, USA | Bigotry, Food & Drink, Top

    (We employ a deaf, hard-working lady at our restaurant.)

    Customer: *agitated* “Excuse me, are you the manager?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “That employee over there ignored me. I asked for help, even yelled, and she just walked right by. She is rude!”

    Me: “Sir, she is deaf.”

    Customer: “That doesn’t matter! Your employees must answer when I call!”

    Me: “Sir, she is deaf. She can’t hear you at all. Even if you got her attention, she wouldn’t respond unless you use sign language or let her read your lips.”

    Customer: “Well, then why does she work here?”

    Me: “Because she is a hard worker and does her job well.”

    Customer: “Well, you shouldn’t hire rude people!”

    Me: *shaking my head*

    The Whole Is Less Than The Sum Of Its Pits

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Math & Science

    (I’m working at the checkout and have just weighed several peaches for a customer.)

    Customer: “Oh, wait, sorry…I have one more peach to weigh. Have you already weighed the others?”

    Me: “Yeah, but that’s okay. I’ll just weigh it separately.”

    Customer: “No, that’s not okay!”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Customer: “Because they would have weighed differently if they were put together. It would be less!”

    Me: *speechless*

    On The Need For Meant-al Telepathy

    | Australia | Food & Drink

    Customer: “Hi, I would like a vanilla chai latte without the chai.”

    Me: “So, you want a vanilla latte?”

    Customer: “No, I want a vanilla chai latte without the chai! As a professional, aren’t you meant to know what I mean?”

    Me: “Of course. Ma’am, one vanilla chai latte without chai coming right up.”

    (I make her a vanilla latte and she takes a sip.)

    Me: “Is that what you wanted, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I don’t know! You’re meant to tell me!”

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