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    Lions And Tigers And Big Box Stores, Oh My

    | North Georgia Mountains, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, School

    (I’m a tour guide for a private college in the North Georgia mountains in a town of 9,000 people. It’s not the biggest city, but it’s the biggest within about 50 miles. A married couple from Atlanta comes to visit the college.)

    Man: *nervously* “How do people typically adjust to living in the middle of nowhere?” 

    Me: “I actually think it’s peaceful here in the mountains, and I’ve never heard anyone say they miss the traffic.”

    (At this point, the couple sees a small green spider on the roof of the golf cart and literally jumps out of the stopped vehicle.)

    Me: “Aw, he won’t hurt y’all.”

    (The man hesitates three times before finally squishing the spider with his handkerchief. He cautiously climbs back in.)

    Woman: “Do you have any… mountain lions here?”

    Me: *in an exaggerated southern drawl* “Ain’t seen many mountain lions ’round these parts, far as I reckon.”

    Man: “What about bears?”

    Woman: “Panthers?”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure the most we have up here is foxes and coyotes.”

    (The woman gasps like she might have a heart attack while the man’s eyes get very wide. I do my best to assure them that these animals are harmless to humans and that they will likely never see on on campus, and continue with the tour.)

    Woman: “How far is civilization from here?”

    Me: “Well, the city is the county seat, and there’s lots to do and see downtown, and plenty of options for shopping and dining.” 

    Man: “Is there a Walmart anywhere near here?”

    Me: “About a 10 minute drive.”

    Couple: *in unison* “HALLELUJAH! CIVILIZATION!”

    These Minutes Are Minutiae

    | Ontario, Canada | Time

    (I work in the pro shop at a golf course, and people often call to make tee times. Note that our tee times are spaced 8 minutes apart.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [golf course]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to make a tee time for 2:30, please.”

    Me: “Alright, I’ve got 2:32. Can I have your last name, please?”

    Customer: “2:32?! That’s WAY too late! Do you have anything earlier?”

    Me: “Sure, I have 2:24.”

    Customer: “2:24?! That’s MUCH too early. You guys need to have better times!”

    Some Owners Need To Be Kept On A Short Leash

    | Arkansas, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I’m a park ranger in a large urban park. The ranger program is new, so people aren’t used to having to follow the rules. One guy in particular is bad about his dog being off leash.)

    Me: “Sir, this is the second time I’ve seen you with your dog at large. Next time, I’m going to write you a ticket.”

    Guy: “This is ridiculous. Where were you two months ago when she was attacked by two dogs?”

    Me: “Sir, if I had been here, I promise I would have done everything I could—”

    Guy: “I mean, you don’t write THEM a ticket! You just come after ME! My dog is perfectly behaved! Being on a leash stresses her out! You should go after the other people!”

    Me: “Sir, were the other dogs off leash?”

    Guy: “Yeah, they were!”

    Me: “So, if they had been on leash, your dog wouldn’t have gotten attacked?”

    Guy: “Yeah, that’s right!”

    Me: “So, would you agree that’s it’s in everyone’s best interest for all dogs to be on leash and under the control of their owners?”

    Guy: “Yeah! I mean, wait… except mine! D*** IT!” *storms off*

    (His dog is now on a leash every time I see him, although he claims she is traumatized by it. The dog? She seems rather nonchalant about the whole thing.)

    You Can Win The Battle But Lease The War

    | Toronto, Canada | Extra Stupid, Money

    (This takes place just when DVDs are starting to replace VHS. A customer comes to the counter with a popular movie on VHS.)

    Me: “You know, sir, the rental costs $4.99 for a week, but we are selling previously rented copies of this movie for only $1.99.”

    Customer: “That’s okay. I just want to rent it.”

    Me: “But sir, it’s $3 cheaper if you buy it, and you won’t have to bring it back.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want to keep it!”

    Me: “Well, you could buy it and then throw it out after.”

    Customer: *impatiently* “Look, I don’t want to buy anything. I just want to rent this movie!”

    Me: *gives up* “Certainly, sir. That will be $5.14 with taxes. The movie is due back next Tuesday by midnight.”

    Customer: “Great! Thanks!”

    Disco Stu Gets Our Approval

    | USA | Musical Mayhem, Top

    (I’m standing next to a music demo display and talking to a coworker. A family walks by with their two little girls in tow. The parents are bickering and are too busy to notice what their girls are doing.)

    Coworker: *to me* “So, after you get done here go ahead and start binning, start with 46 and then—”

    (Suddenly, one of the little girls presses a button on the music demo display, effectively interrupting us with loud music.)

    Coworker: *doesn’t miss a beat and breaks into wild disco moves*

    (The girl and her sister stare with huge grins on their faces. The parents are too busy bickering to notice. When the music stops, my coworker resumes talking to me as if nothing has happened.)

    Coworker: “—and after 46, help with the top of the steel…”

    (I gained a lot of respect for my coworker that night!)

    Related:
    Disco Stu Does Not Approve

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