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    Vulgar Verbage

    , | Colchester, CT, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am making casual conversation with a pleasant customer, who is however, somewhat odd. At some point, a coworker of mine joins the conversation.)

    Customer: “Hey, those shirts look kinda tight on you guys.”

    Me: “Yeah, the green sizes run smaller than the blue ones, I think.”

    (The customer points to my coworker.)

    Customer: “Yeah, her shirt is like, vagina-ing open on her chest.”

    One Night And One Night Only

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Movies & TV

    Caller: “I notice on your website that you show [kid's movie] at midnight.”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, that is correct.”

    Caller: “Why would you do that? No little kid is going to see that movie at midnight!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we have midnight showings for all movies, no matter the intended audience.”

    Caller: “Well, how am I supposed to bring my kids to a midnight showing? This is a formal complaint and I would like to speak to your manager.”

    Me: “Just one second, ma’am, I will send you to a manager.”

    (I connect the caller with a manager.)

    Caller: “How the h*** am I supposed to take my kids to see this movie if it only shows at midnight?”

    Manager: “Ma’am, that is just the day before it is released. It will show many other days at normal times.”

    Caller: “Well, why didn’t anybody ever tell me that?!”

    Nuts All Around

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Food & Drink, Movies & TV

    (I’m working at the concession stand. A woman and her grandson walk up to my register.)

    Customer: “One bag of M&Ms and a drink.”

    Me: “Would you like plain, peanut, or peanut butter?”

    Customer: “Plain! He can’t have peanuts, he’s very allergic.”

    (The transaction continues as normal, and they purchase popcorn, which is commonly made with peanut oil at other theaters.)

    Me: “Just so you know, our popcorn is made with coconut oil instead of peanut oil, so he can eat that.”

    Customer: *stops dead in her tracks* “No! Coco-NUT! It’s a nut. He can’t eat it.”

    (I can’t manage a response before she walks off with her grandson.)

    Manager: *walks over, laughing* “Did that really just happen?”

    Now With Extra Mahalo

    | Utah, USA |

    (On a sign advertising our new coconut flavored drink, the picture of the cup has “add aloha” in the custom box.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, what can I make for you today?”

    Customer: “Hi, yeah, um… can I get a mocha…no, wait…caramel frap? And will you add aloha?”

    Me: “Okay, so a caramel frappuccino…but what is aloha?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. It’s on the sign out here.”

    Me: “Oh! Yeah, that’s just advertising for our new coconut flavor. It’s just saying you can add the flavor of the tropics, like Hawaii, you know?”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. That’s all then.”

    Faster Than You Can Think

    | Lacey, WA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I work in a very large retailer in the sporting goods dept. The day of my four-year mark last September, I get this call.)

    Me: “Sporting goods, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need to check to see if you have this particular scooter in stock.”

    Me: “What kind of scooter?”

    Customer: “It’s a Razor. I think it’s a blue one. Your website says it’s $197. I want to see if you have it.”

    Me: “Let me check. Hold on.

    (I place customer on hold and go check our stock.)

    Me: “Yeah, we have two. One has a speed of 10 MPH and that one is like an old foot powered scooter with an electric motor. We also have a European styled-scooter with a speed of 15 MPH.”

    Customer: “Mmmm, okay, does the 15 MPH scooter go faster than the 10MPH scooter?”

    Me: “Um, yeah. That kinda tends to happen.”

    Customer: “So that’s faster, right?”

    Me: “Yeah, it is faster.”

    Customer: “Ok, yeah. Thanks!”


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