I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 8

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Extra Stupid

(I’m looking through a display of jeans when a middle-aged customer approaches me. It’s the middle of winter.)

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Um, yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “You work here, right?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry; I don’t.”

Customer: “Oh. Well you’re not wearing a coat!”

Me: “Yeah, I rented a locker so that I wouldn’t have to carry around a big heavy coat while I shop.”

Customer: “Well that’s stupid. How am I supposed to know you don’t work here if you’re not wearing a coat?”

Me: “Uhh, the lack of uniform?”

Related:
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 7
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 6
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 5

Taking A Dip In The Deep End

| Louisville, KY, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging

Me: “Hi! Are you checking in?”

Elderly Wife: “Well, we may be. We’d like to see one of your rooms.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

(After establishing which type of room they’d like to see, the elderly husband takes the key and starts heading toward the room.)

Elderly Wife: “I’m sorry; I know this is unusual. But my husband always needs to check the water level in the commodes. If it’s too high, he sometimes… dips in.”

(The husband comes back.)

Elderly Husband: “Let’s try the place across the street…”

Should Have Stayed Clear Of The Bottle

| UK | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I work in a little cafe near my friend’s dojo. She often comes by after practice. A shifty looking man enters, approaches the counter, and pulls a knife.)

Robber: “Empty the f****** till.”

(I start to do so. I see my friend approaching through the window. It’s a cold day, so she’s wearing a hoody with her judo jacket over the top. I try and get her attention.)

Robber: “Hurry the f*** up!”

(I drop some money under the counter in my fear. I bend down to pick it up. The man rests his knife hand on the counter, and leans over to make sure I’m not phoning the police.)

My Friend: “Everything okay?”

Me: “Yeah… just… getting this man his change.”

(My voice is shaking. She can tell something is up. She crosses to the fridge cabinet.)

My Friend: “Oh, you’ve still got [brand drink]. It comes in a glass bottle! Just what I need after practice!”

(She comes up behind the man and, without warning, slams the bottle down on the hand holding the knife. She slams hard enough to shatter the bottle. He screams, dropping the knife. He grabs for it with his other hand, but she wraps one arm around his throat and puts the broken bottle to the underside of his chin.)

My Friend: “Don’t even think about it.”

(I call the police, and the robber is arrested. My friend is warned about using excessive force, and given a lifetime supply of free drinks by my manager.)

Things I Won’t Miss About The Cafe

SHOP1

Developing Arrest

| Fargo, ND, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Top

(I work as a supervisor at a bar. Fargo is hosting the ‘North Dakota High School State Wrestling Tournament’ this weekend. I receive a phone call.)

Me: “[Bar Name], my name is [name]. How can I help you?”

Caller #1: “Hi, My Name is [name #1]. I was wondering if you accepted school IDs. I’m from out of town, and grabbed the wrong driver’s license.”

Me: “Um, well no, because they are not state regulated. You have to have papers if your driver’s license or state ID is clipped.”

Caller #1: “Well my drivers license is clipped; can I speak to your manager?”

Me: “I am the supervisor.”

Caller #1: *click*

(Two minutes later…)

Me: “[Bar name], my name is [name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #2: “Yes, my name is [name #2]. I was wondering if you accepted school IDs. I’m from out of town, and grabbed the wrong driver’s license.”

Me: “Your name is [name #2]?”

Caller #2: “Yes.”

Me: “Is the license you grabbed clipped?”

Caller #2: “Yes.”

Me: “Well you need to have your papers issued to you by the state for your clipped drivers license or state ID.”

(I then hear a hushed voice in the background. It is Caller #2 talking to Caller #1.)

Caller #2: “[Name #1], what do I do now?”

Caller #1: “Ask for the manager.”

(Without letting Caller #2 even ask, I respond.)

Me: “I am the supervisor.”

Caller #2: *click*

(Three minutes later…)

Me: *sighs* “[Bar name], my name is [name]. I am the supervisor here; how may I help you?”

Caller #3: “Hi, my name is [name #3]. I was wondering if you accepted school IDs. I’m from out of town, and grabbed the wrong driver’s license.”

Me: “Are you friends of [name #1] and [name #2]”

Caller #3: “YES!”

Me: “Oh, well, hello then. I talked to my general manager, and he says to come by the bar! What time will you three ladies be showing up tonight?”

Caller #3: *in a hushed voice to Callers #1 and #2* “We are soooo in!” *returning to me* “We will be there at 9:30 sharp.”

Me: “Well I hope to see you all here tonight.”

(Later that night, Callers #1, #2, and #3 show up at9:30.)

Caller #3: “We are here; the supervisor said you accepted student IDs!”

Me: “Hi! You must be [Callers #1, #2, #3]. Let me see your clipped drivers’ licenses, and student IDs.”

(I check them. The licenses and student IDs are clearly not theirs. The pictures in each of the girl’s licenses have a different facial structure, and one girl is miraculously missing a birth mark on her chin.)

Me: “Alright ladies, we have a VIP party in the back. Let me lead you there.”

Caller #1: *to #2 and #3* “Oh, my God! VIP? This is the best [high school’s name] trip ever!”

(I walk them around the building, with all of their IDs still in my hand.)

Me: “Alright officers, they’re all yours.”

(A couple of police officers are waiting for them at the back. As they are being handcuffed, one of the callers has a question.)

Caller #1: “Can we at least get our IDs back?”

Officer 1: “You can tell…” *reads names on all three IDs* “…that they can come pick them up at the station. We would like to have a word with them.”

(To my knowledge, they were processed to scare them, and then released to their parents. The girls on the IDs were charged with ‘furnishing alcohol to minors’, and ‘providing identification to a minor for the sole purpose of obtaining alcohol’.)

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