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    Smoking Oneself Out

    | Portland, OR, USA | At The Checkout

    (We have a policy that if you look under 30, we must card you for age restricted items.)

    Customer: “Can I get a pack of [cigarettes]?”

    Me: “Can I see your ID?”

    Customer: “I don’t have ID on me.”

    Me: “Well, we have to see ID if you look under 30.”

    Customer: “I look under 30? Well, I’m 29.”

    Do-Nut Yell At Me

    | Rhode Island, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m the baker and I am getting everything ready to go out into our case for display. I’m working with just one other person and he’s on drive-thru duty.)

    Coworker: “Hey, can you come help me? This guy keeps telling me he wants a glazed bagel.”

    (I walk out onto the floor and over to the window where the man is waiting with a mad look on his face.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, hun. What was it that you were looking for?”

    Customer: “I JUST WANT A GOD D*** GLAZED BAGEL!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, hun. We don’t carry glazed bagels here. I’ve worked here for four years and we have never had them.”

    Customer: “Are you kidding me? I get glazed bagels here all the time! You must be stupid. I know that there are glazed bagels. I’m just gonna come inside.”

    (He speeds his car away from our drive-thru window and I walk into the back to finish with all my baking that I am doing. All of a sudden, I hear the door swing open and hear a familiar loud voice.)

    Customer: “There it is! Right there! G-L-A-Z-E-D. I told you, you carry glazed bagels!”

    Coworker: *stares in shock at the man*

    Customer: “You both are stupid! Can you just get my order? I just want my coffee and my glazed DONUT!”

    (At this point, my coworker and myself both just look at one another. Then the customer seems to realize what he said.)

    Customer: “I said bagel before, didn’t I? Whatever! You should have known what I meant.”

    Fully Booked, Literally

    | North Carolina, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Wild & Unruly

    (An older gentleman comes in. I get his ID and other information and begin the check-in process. After I’ve entered everything and tell him that the total is ~$90, he shows me a coupon in a book that he was hiding behind his back.)

    Customer: “I’d like to use the coupon in this book to get the room for $57.99.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we have a limited number of rooms we are able to sell at that rate. Do you happen to be a member of AAA or AARP?”

    Customer: “No, and I want the room at this price! If you’re not going to give it to me for this price, don’t print it in the d*** book!”

    Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, sir. I see you’ve never stayed with us before. I can give you a first-time discount, which would bring the price of the room down to $65.”

    Customer: “You will give me the room for $57.99 like it says in the book! Get a real job! Loser kids…” *mumbles*

    Me: “I’m a college student and I work full-time.”

    Customer: “I don’t give a d***! F*** you!” *throws book at me*

    (I duck just in time. The book hits the wall behind me.)

    Me: “Have a great night, sir!”

    The Gauntlet Has Been Phoned

    | Worcestershire, UK |

    (An irate caller is being very nasty and swearing at me down the phone.)

    Me: “Ma’am, if you carry on talking to me like that, I will terminate the phone call.”

    Caller: “Go on, then. I f***ing dare you.”

    Me: “I would like to carry on this conversation calmly, but I will terminate the phone call if you carry on swearing at me.”

    Caller: “I f***ing dare you.”

    Me: *hangs up*

    Desperate Drive-Thru-Wives

    , | Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I’m presenting at the drive-thru of a well-known franchise. A van full of women in their 30s and 40s pulls up. I hand them their drinks and proceed to make small talk with them while waiting for my runner to finish assembling the meal.)

    Me: “So, it’ll be just a moment and your food will be ready!”

    (As I talk to the driver, she pulls a weird, thick, peach-colored item from her bag. She and her friends start laughing.)

    Driver: “Oh, that’s fine, honey! Take your time!”

    Me: “Haha, all…right…”

    (Suddenly, I realize what the item is. It’s a phallic-shaped pen.)

    Me: “That’s…um. That’s an interesting pen you have there, haha!”

    Driver: *waving it around* “Oh yes, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Er…yes! Here’s your food! You have a good day, now!”

    Driver: “Oh, I don’t think this is big enough, but I’ll try!”

    (All the women in the van laugh as they drive off.)

    Me: *speechless*


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