(A customer wants a specific electric fireplace that is discontinued and so we cant order it. One of my colleagues says that they will go to nearby store after their shift and get one. The customer comes in the next day to collect it.)

Me: “Okay, because this is discontinued and we don’t stock it here, you won’t be able to return it unless it’s faulty.”

Customer: “Why would I want to return it? I’m not a moron like you are!”

(He storms out but comes back in the next day.)

Customer: “This fireplace won’t work! You put me through all this trouble and you gave me a faulty product! I will report you to your manager for all the stress this has caused!”

Me: “Sir, the box is still sealed. You haven’t even opened it yet.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, my wife didn’t like it. Can I return it?”

(A young boy comes up to me and points at the clam sauce for spaghetti.)

Boy: “Can I have this sauce?”

Me: “Sure, it’s clam. Is that okay?”

Boy: “Clam? What’s clam?”

(I start clapping my fingers together motioning a clam closing and opening.)

Me: “A clam? You don’t know what a clam is?”

Boy: *blank stare.*

Me: “Okay, well are you allergic to any shellfish?”

Boy: “What’s a shellfish?”

Me: “Okay, you’re getting tomato sauce.”

(A middle-aged male customer comes from the hallway of theaters and walks up to the booth.)

Customer: “Yeah, is there anyway I can get a refund for this movie? Sex In The City?”

Me: “Yeah, sure. May I ask why you’d like a refund?”

Customer: “It’s…not what I thought it was gonna be.”

Related:
The Estrogen Empire Strikes Back

(A frequent customer comes in and tells me about her new job at a new gym.)

Customer: “Anyway, I was hoping you could put these fliers out on the registers to hand out to your customers?”

Me: “Sorry, but corporate doesn’t allow us to put out fliers for businesses that aren’t related to pet care.”

Customer: “Oh, I understand. Maybe you could keep them in the drawer and just hand them out to the fat customers?”

(A fairly regular customer, known for asking lots of questions about merchandise he had no intent of buying, wanders in to the electronic department.)

Customer: “What’s this?”

Me: “It lets you browse the internet on your TV instead of requiring a computer.”

Customer: *excited* “Really? Wow!”

Me: “Yep, and if you buy the optional keyboard, you can even use mit for email.”

Customer: “Email? I’ve heard a lot about that. What is it, exactly?”

Me: “Well, it’s kind of like regular mail. You type up a letter and send it off,
except it gets there instantly and there’s no postage.”

Customer: “Really? Wow! Does it do packages?”