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    Attack Of The Third Dimensional Dimwits

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

    (I am explaining to a customer how to program his pre-paid phone.)

    Me: “Alright, the sequence you need to press is Pound(#)-8678423 to program your phone.”

    Caller: “What?”

    Me: “Press Pound-8678423 on the phone’s number pad.”

    Caller: “I don’t see anything that says ‘Pound’.”

    Me: “The Pound key looks like a tic-tac-toe. It’s the button right under the 9 key.”

    Caller: “You mean I have to take apart my phone, pull off the numbers, and press this ‘Pound’ key to get the thing working?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, don’t take the phone apart. The Pound key is below the 9 and to the right of the zero.”

    Caller: “But I’m telling you, I can’t get to that key if it’s under the 9! I have to take the 9 off to see it!”

    Do Not Pay Debts, Go Directly To Jail

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    Me: “Thank you for calling [satellite TV company]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I’ve bought some used equipment. I need to turn it on.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. Could I have the serial number?”

    (The serial number brings up an account in collections for over $800.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We cannot activate your equipment until the previous owner closes his account. Can you contact him?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Caller: “He’s in jail in Mexico.”

    For Flower Power, Press 1

    | Massachusetts, USA |

    (I am female, in my 20s, and the only employee at this flower shop. The owner is older than me, and also female. An elderly woman calls one morning.)

    Me: “Hello, [florist].”

    Elderly customer: “Hello, I was looking for an American flag to hang outside.”

    Me: “Okay, we have several sizes and we carry both nylon and cotton flags.”

    (I run through the sizes for her.)

    Elderly customer: “I’m just not sure. Is there a man I can talk to?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Elderly customer: “A man. I want to ask him about flags.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, no men work here.”

    Elderly customer: “I’ll just call back later…”

    Natural Selection, Hard At Work

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (A customer comes with an old toolbox.)

    Customer: “Hey, look what I found just outside…”

    (The customer opens the metal toolbox filled with mushrooms.)

    Customer: “I doubt they’re the kind that make you high.”

    Me: “Um, I wouldn’t eat those. I think they’re destroying angel mushrooms, which are deadly poisonous.”

    Customer: “If they are, then I’ll probably eat them!” *leaves the store and never returns*

    Canada: America’s Hat, Part 2

    | Nova Scotia, Canada | Canada, Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel

    (The majority of the customers coming into this shop are from off of the cruise ships and mainly American.)

    Me: “Is there anything I can help you with today, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Um, yes…could you tell me where I am?”

    Me: “Yup, you’re in Canada.”

    Customer: “And where is Canada?”

    Me: “Um, well, if you look at a map, it’s that large country on top of your country.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    (She looks baffled by this new piece of information and slowly turns around and walks away.)

    Related:
    Canada: America’s Hat


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