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    We’ll Make You As Right As Rain

    | Florida, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (It’s a Friday night after the evening rush. It’s pouring rain, and generally people are more irritable if they have to be in the rain after a long day at work. Such is the case with this customer.)

    Customer: *walks in* “Evenin’.”

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [shop name]. Did you already have an order with us?”

    Customer: “No. Do you have a menu I can look at?”

    Me: “Yes, I have one right here.”

    (I hand her a take-home menu, but there is a large board menu above me that’s pretty obvious.)

    Customer: “Oh, I guess I could’ve just looked up there, huh.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Customer: *frowning* “Agreeing with me makes you sound like you’re making fun of me.”

    Me: “I would never. I value your service with us.”

    Customer: “As you should.”

    (15 minutes later…)

    Customer: “Is my pizza done yet?”

    Me: “It should be done any second now.”

    Customer: “Why does it take so long? I could’ve just gone to [competitor shop name] and been home with a pizza by now.”

    Me: “Well, we cook everything to order to ensure your food is always fresh.”

    Customer: “Well, you haven’t done anything except fold pizza boxes. I could’ve done that for you, and you could’ve gone to make my pizza and have it to me quicker.”

    Me: “There’s already a staff on the food line right now. Adding me back there wouldn’t help at all.”

    (She picks up an unfolded pizza box and examines it.)

    Customer: “Well, this is certainly too easy of a job. I could do it blindfolded!”

    (The customer struggles with folding box, and finally gets the box folded after five minutes of toying with it. In that same time, I’ve already made a stack and am working on another set.)

    Customer: “See? Too easy.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, let’s have us a challenge. I get an employee discount to use every week, and I haven’t used it yet. If you can fold an 18-set stack faster than me, I’ll add that discount to your order.”

    Customer: “You’re on!”

    (The customer’s food comes out. She finishes her stack, but long after I’ve completed mine. She picks up her food and begins walking to the door.)

    Customer: “So much for my discount, but thank you for entertaining me. I had a pretty s***y day today, and you cheered me up, AND the rain has stopped. You’ve earned the shop a regular customer!”

    A Knight In Patrolling Armor

    | Costa Rica | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Top

    Me: “So, your total is going to be of 30 thousand colones (60 USD). Here you go, and have a nice day.”

    Customer: “Oh, you’re so nice. Thank you, too. I was wondering if you could do something else for me?”

    Me: “Sure, what is it?”

    Customer: “I was told at my church that they needed more members, and I was asked to bring a few. Would you mind to come?”

    Me: “Well, I apologize, but I wouldn’t like to.”

    Customer: *gets defensive* “Why? Don’t tell me you think we’re all cultists that don’t care about God!”

    Me: “I’m sure you’re not, but I don’t want to go.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not, then? I already told you we’re nice people, so why don’t you go?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if I offended you I apologize, however I don’t want to go. It’s not because you’re nice people or not; it’s because I’m an atheist.”

    Customer: “So, you don’t believe in God, is that it? Well, f*** you! You’re going to Hell! What are you going to tell me next, that you’re a f***ing queer?”

    Me: “In fact, I am a homosexual, but—”

    Customer: “That’s all I needed to know! Being gay is a sin!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

    Customer: “F*** no! You’re kicking me out because I’m a Christian! That’s illegal, and it’s bulls***!”

    (At this point, a man behind her speaks up. Note that he is a police officer in full uniform.)

    Officer: “No, he’s kicking you because you already paid and you’re disturbing the peace. So, I’m going to give you my recommendation: Leave now, or I’ll arrest you.”

    Customer: *suddenly pales and leaves without saying a word*

    Me: “Thank you very much, Officer. Now, how may I help you?”

    Officer: “Actually I didn’t need anything. I was just patrolling when I heard the conflict. However, now that you mention it…” *he blushes a little* “…I need to ask, would you go out in a date with me?”

    Me: “…Of course!”

    (The officer and I have now dating for nearly half a year.)

    This Sauce Has A Bite To It

    , | Maryland, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Me: “Would you like any sauces or ketchup, sir?”

    Customer: “Yea, I’ll take some of that Pomeranian Sauce.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “Pomeranian Sauce!”

    Me: “Uh… you mean Polynesian Sauce?”

    Customer: “Oh! Yeah, that’s it!”

    You Just Got Schooled, Part 2

    | PA, USA | School, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (I’ve just moved to a small town, where the job market is even worse than most places. I’ve taken a job waiting tables at a small diner. I’m waiting on an older man and his wife when the following exchange takes place.)

    Customer: “So, why didn’t you go to college?”

    Me: “Um, I did.”

    Customer: “Oh, didn’t make it?”

    Me: “No. I graduated five years ago.”

    Customer: “Well, I meant a real school… not like [local community college].”

    Me: “Actually, I went to [Ivy League school].”

    Customer’s Wife: “Oh, that’s a good school, dear!”

    Customer: “So, what are you doing here?”

    Customer’s Wife: “She’s trying to take your order. So stop being a jack*** and tell the nice girl what you’d like already!”

    Related:
    You Just Got Schooled

    The Facts Of Second Life

    | Southern California, USA | Bizarre

    (A customer in her 40s approaches me to ask where something is. As I am answering her question, she notices my name tag.)

    Customer: “Oh! I didn’t realize they had to give you names! How nice of them to try and give you more of an identity!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You know, since you’re a robot and all.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you that I’m a person. In fact…” *I point to my pregnant belly* “…I’m a person growing ANOTHER person.”

    Customer: “No, no, can’t be. That documentary with Bruce Willis said workers were being replaced with robots.”

    Me: “…You mean Surrogates?”

    Customer: “That’s the one!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that was a movie. Didn’t you watch the whole thing?”

    Customer: “Oh, no. Just a chunk in the middle I think. It was rather over-dramatic for a documentary, and I just couldn’t get into it. Got the gist of it though! Don’t worry, I don’t mind that you’re a robot. Technology today! WONDERFUL!” *walks away*

    Me: *speechless*

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