(Our store has a return policy involving fish that they can return them as long as they have the animal and receipt.)

Customer: “My fish died again.”

Me: “How long did you have the fish for?”

Customer: “Only about two days. This is the second fish this has happened with.”

(I proceed to start asking questions about her daily tasks of tank operations. After several minutes, I can’t figure out what is wrong.)

Me: “How about you take me through your daily routine?”

Customer: “Well, first I go down and feed the fish. Then I pick him up and pet him for a bit. Then around lunchtime, I pet him some more.”

Me: “So you pull the fish out of the water and pet it?”

Customer: “Only for a few minutes. Why?”

Me: “Fish can’t breath out of water. Didn’t you notice it gasping?”

Customer: “Well, it can just hold its breath, right?”

Customer: “Excuse me, are you all not releasing Christmas ornaments this year?”

Me: “No, we’re still going to be releasing them.”

Customer: “Well it’s awfully late. Are they delayed this year? They’re usually out by now.”

Me: “It’s June, sir. They’ll be out in July like always.”

Customer: “Oh my! It gets later and later every year.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [business]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “My girlfriend didn’t get her gift, and I want to know why.”

Me: *looking into order* “Sir, I see that we received an email from you asking that we cancel the order, so we did.”

Caller: “That’s impossible! Why would I do that? What email address was the email from?”

(I verify his email address.)

Caller: “Well, that’s the right address, but I didn’t send the email, you must have done it!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but are you saying that I somehow hacked into your email account?”

Caller: “Well, someone there hacked into my account!”

Me: “Does anyone else know your password by any chance?”

Caller: “No, I never give it out to anyone, that would be stupid.”

Me: “At this point, I’m not sure how else to look into this. If you’re sure no one else has your password, let me get someone in our loss prevention department involved. They may know more. I’ll call you back when I have more information.”

(I explain this all to someone in loss prevention and she calls him back. Later, she tells me what she found out.)

Loss Prevention: “Turns out his daughter canceled the order because she doesn’t like dad’s new girlfriend.”

Customer: “I need to find a cage for my hamster.”

Me: “I can help. Is it a Syrian or a Dwarf?”

Customer: “I don’t know. It’s really tiny.”

Me: “Probably a dwarf.”

(I show her several hamster cages but she doesn’t like any.)

Me: “If your hamster is a dwarf, he might be able to live inside a mouse cage.”

Customer: “What’s that? A mouse?”

Me: “Yes, a mouse.”

(I show her the mice we have for sale).

Customer: “I don’t think I have a hamster. I have one of these.”

Me: “You can’t tell a hamster from a mouse?”

Customer: “I can’t get a good look at them when they run across the garage!”

Me: “Oh, hi. Welcome to [Bakery]. What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to order a 3 tiered cake for my son’s birthday party.”

Me: “Sure, no problem. We have a design book on that table behind you where you could look at some possible designs.”

Customer: “Okay. How long would it take you to make the cake?”

Me: “Well it depends. If you get a simple design you might be able to pick it up by tomorrow afternoon, but if you get a more complicated design it make take 3 to 4 days.”

Customer: “Oh. That’s not gonna work for me.”

Me: “Why? What’s the problem?”

(The customer’s son runs inside the bakery.)

Customer’s son: “Dad, come on! The party starts in an hour!”