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  • The Strong Arm Of The Law

    | Baton Rouge, LA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (Our store buys used video games to resell. It’s not uncommon for people to try to sell stolen merchandise, so we have a “bad trader” list. Two teens walk in, and one of them is on our list. I recognize them immediately.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [store name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer #1: “Yeah, I want to trade some games in.”

    (Customer #1 hands me a stack of games, but it’s just discs…no cases.)

    Me: “Are you over 18 with a valid picture ID?”

    Customer #1: “No, but he is.”

    Customer #2: *hands me his ID*

    (I quickly look through the games. I take Customer #2′s ID and verify he is on our bad trader list.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t take these.”

    Customer #1: “Man, why not?!”

    Me: “We just don’t need these in stock right now.”

    Customer #1: *getting aggressive* “I trade in here all time! You gotta take my games. There ain’t nothin wrong with ‘em!”

    Me: *stalling* “We can’t take them. I can check the computer and tell you what they’re worth, but I can’t take them.”

    Customer #1: “Okay, yeah…check ‘em.”

    (While I’m checking the games, a really big, burly guy walks in.)

    Burly Guy: *to me* “Ma’am, don’t give them any money for those games! I saw them steal those games from [retailer] across the street and take them out out of their packaging before coming in here.”

    (At this point, Customer #1 starts edging towards the door. The burly guy reaches out and grabs him by his collar with one hand.)

    Burly Guy: *whips out his police badge* “If you take one more step, I WILL taze you!”

    (The two thieves were arrested right then and there!)

    Be Discrete On The Receipt

    , | Kansas, USA | Bizarre

    (I am ringing up a customer. Note that the receipts automatically print on credit transactions.)

    Me: “Would you like your receipt?”

    Customer: “No! How dare you! You better not give me receipt! I will be so pissed!”

    Me: “Oh, um, okay then!”

    (I finish ringing her up and the receipt prints automatically.)

    Customer: “Why did you print that?! I told you I didn’t want it! Do I need to slap you?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. They print automatically when you use a credit card. You don’t have to take it or anything.”

    Customer: “I hate you young kids who think you know everything! You print receipts like it’s nothing!”

    Me: *not knowing what to say* “Well, have a great evening.”

    Customer: “How could I?! You printed the receipt!”

    Unbearably Bad Ideas, Part 2

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I am at the zoo with my little cousin to see the pandas that have recently arrived.)

    Visitor: “Aw, look at it! It’s just so cute! They’re not dangerous, are they?”

    Worker: “Um, well, they’re bears…they’re just as dangerous as other bears.

    Visitor: “But if I were to walk in to the enclosure, it wouldn’t hurt me. I could touch it, couldn’t I?”

    Worker: “Well, no. It’s a bear.”

    Visitor: “Oh, but the female! She must be very gentle. I could touch the female panda.”

    Worker: “Actually, she’s pretty feisty. I wouldn’t go near her, either!”

    Visitor: “Aw, I really thought they were cute and lovely, like big teddy bears! I’m so disillusioned now…”

    Related:
    Unbearably Bad Ideas

    So Much Pun

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Awesome Customers, Language & Words, Top

    (I’m zoning the laundry aisle at a popular retail store. An elderly couple walks down the aisle. The husband makes a pun of every name brand he walks by.)

    Customer: “CHEER up, dear. We’re in a new ERA now. We’re ALL together, and have everything to GAIN. So SNUGGLE up, but be careful. There’s a TIDE coming in, so SURF’s up!”

    (Best. Old dude. Ever.)

    Flayed Nerves

    | California, USA | Language & Words

    Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a cookbook by a famous chef. He’s on TV. His name is Bobby Fray.”

    Me: “Oh, sure…you mean Bobby Flay. Let me—”

    Customer: “No, no, NO! I said Bobby FRAY. That’s F-R-A-Y. Fray!”

    Me: “Okay, just follow me over to the cookbooks. We’ll take a look and see if we can find what you’re looking for.”

    (She follows me to the cookbooks. I pull one of Bobby Flay’s books off the shelf and hand it to her.)

    Me: “Is this the author you were looking for?”

    Customer: “Yes! See, Bobby Fray—”

    (Upon reading “Flay,” she screams in frustration and throws the book on the floor at my feet and storms out.)

    Me: *speechless*

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