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    All You Can Elite

    | New Zealand | Food & Drink

    (I am a server at a buffet-style restaurant. Since the customers get the food themselves, I am there to seat them, clear their plates and assist with any problems.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [restaurant's name]. If you will please follow me, I’ll show you to your table.”

    (I take the family of four to their table and point out where to get plates and cutlery from as well as show them the general layout of the buffet.)

    Customer: “So, I’ll have the roast, some potato salad, and a coke.”

    Me: “Uh, sir, this is a buffet restaurant.”

    Customer: “Yeah, so?”

    Me: “There is no menu. You go to the buffet choose the food yourself. That’s the point of a buffet.”

    Customer: “Oh, I know. I just can’t be bothered waiting in that horrendous line!”

    Not The Best Way To Spread Your Art

    | Washington, D.C., USA | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

    (It’s my second day as an intern at an art gallery. We have guidelines for artists who wish to submit artwork. I’m by myself in the gallery when an artist wearing cut-offs and flip-flops walks in. She’s carrying a huge canvas that is as big as she is, but I can’t see what’s painted on it as the front is facing away from me.)

    Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

    Artist: “Yeah, I was wondering if you could hang this up?”

    Me: “Well, we don’t accept walk-in submissions like this, and even if we did, the gallery owner isn’t in right now. If you go to our website, you can follow the submission guidelines.”

    Artist: “But I have the art right here! Can’t you hang it up?”

    (At this point she finally turns the canvas around: it’s a life-size, poorly-painted, VERY nude self-portrait of the artist sitting down with her hands on her knees and her hair sticking up in all directions. Worst of all, she has painted herself with her knees splayed and her lady parts in high definition.)

    Me: “Oh…”

    Artist: “I’ll just leave this here, then!”

    Me: *panicking* “No, wait! You really have to fill out an artist’s submission and we’ll get back to you. I can’t just hang up art without the owner present. Also, we specialize in abstract expressionist art, not…erm…figurative art.”

    Artist: *looking at her painting* “But this is pretty funky!”

    Me: “Yes it is, but I’m sorry, I really can’t accept it. Thank you for coming in.”

    (The artist eventually left. Unfortunately, that meant she was carrying her enormous nude self-portrait in full display down the busiest street in town. I have to admire her pluck!)

    I Hope You’re Pool-ing My Leg

    | Somerset, England, UK | Extra Stupid

    Me: “Good afternoon, [business name]. How can I help?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’ve been looking at your seven-foot pool tables on your website, and I have a few questions.”

    Me: “Okay, that’s fine. What would you like to know?”

    Caller: “So, seven feet…is that the height?”

    Don’t Egg On The Eggman

    | Kentucky, USA | Wild & Unruly

    (I am a regular customer at a locally-owned game store. It’s a really nice store, with an in-house arcade and snack bar. We also have weekly gaming and card game tournaments, one of which is going on during the time of this story. I’m browsing a bit, when I overhear this conversation between an employee, who is also my friend, and a customer.)

    Employee: “Hi, welcome to [store]. Are you looking for anything in particular?”

    Customer: “Yeah, my money back!”

    Employee: “I’ll be happy to help you with a return. What item are—”

    (The customer slams a copy of Sonic the Hedgehog 2006—a notoriously bad game—onto the counter.)

    Customer: “How dare you sell me this piece of s***?!”

    Employee: “Sir, please don’t swear at me. Now, would you like cash or store credit?”

    Customer: “Give me f***ing cash! This s***hole of a store doesn’t deserve a quality gamer like me to shop here!”

    Employee: “Okay, I can give you $5 for this.”

    Customer: “FIVE DOLLARS? FIVE F***ING DOLLARS? THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS!”

    Employee: “Sir, please calm down.”

    Customer: “I PAID FULL PRICE FOR THIS GAME!”

    Employee: “Sir, the price sticker is still on here. You paid $10, which is nowhere near the full price.”

    Customer: “YOU’RE TRYING TO F***ING RIP ME OFF!”

    (The employee motions towards the kids playing a popular trading card game nearby.)

    Employee: “Sir, there are children in this store. If you can’t calm down and properly behave, I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

    (Suddenly, the customer flings the game to the side. He then goes on a rampage throughout the store, flings merchandise off of the shelves and flips over one of the claw machines in the arcade in his rage. The employee called security and the customer was dragged out, still thrashing and swearing!)

    Bigotry Gets Served

    , | Boca Raton, FL, USA | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m a customer standing in line behind another customer at a Mexican fast-food restaurant.)

    Cashier: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Excuse me, but you gay?”

    Cashier: “Um…I mean…yeah, but I don’t see what that—”

    Customer: *menacing* “I’m gonna need you to leave this here store, so a good Christian can take my order. Got that?!”

    (The manager has overheard all this and walks over.)

    Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but you’re going to have to leave.”

    Customer: “Are you discriminating on me ’cause I’m a Christian?”

    Manager: “No, sir, I am not. I am also a Christian.”

    Customer: “And you, a claimed Christian, hired this sodomite?”

    Manager: “I hired this man because he does his job extremely well and is a good employee.”

    Customer: “But he’s a sodomite!”

    Manager: “You need to leave, now.”

    Customer: “I ain’t leavin ’til I get my here IMMIGRANT food from a good Christian!”

    (Fed up, hungry, and in a rush, I speak up.)

    Me: “If you’ll excuse me, sir, I’m in too much of a rush to deal with your bulls***. Since you’re being kicked out, I’m going to give my order to the nice cashier over here. You can also go ahead and get something for yourself on my tab, because no one should have to put up with you!”

    (The four other customers behind me clapped, while the customer screamed, “YOU’RE ALL HEATHENS!” and ran out like he was being chased by Satan. On top of that, I got my order on the house!)

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