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    Picked At The Peaks Of Flavor

    | Ontario, Canada | Food & Drink

    (I work as a server at a vegan cafe when a girl in her twenties walks in.)

    Me: “Hello, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I’ll have a coffee to start. One sugar, two cream.”

    Me: “Sorry, we actually don’t have cream, but we use soy milk.”

    Customer: “Uh, what? Soy milk? Like beans? You put beans in your coffee? That’s gross. Who would put beans in their coffee?”

    Me: “Actually, it’s pretty good, and coffee is actually made of coffee beans, right?”

    Customer: “Haha, could you imagine that? That would be soooo gross!”

    Me: “Well, you could think of coffee beans like seeds, too. But anyway, is soy milk okay in your coffee?”

    Customer: “Seeds?! Haha, imagine that! No, it’s just rich dirt.”

    Me: “Uh, what’s ‘rich dirt’?’

    Customer: “Coffee, duh! You know…the brown powder that they dig from mountains!”

    Sudo-Religious

    | New Zealand | Religion, Technology

    (An older customer with a very old laptop approaches me.)

    Customer: “Can you help me? I upgraded to the new Windows 7 thing and it’s going really really slow. Do I have a virus?”

    Me: “I’ll take a look, but have you considered running Linux or moving back to Windows XP if you still have it? Your computer’s probably slow because it’s not new enough to handle the more intensive new operating systems.”

    Customer: “But Linux is made by atheists!”

    Your Argument Is Full Of Hot Air, Part 3

    | NC, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (One late night at the diner where I work, a customer comes in late at night, obviously drunk. She orders three pork chops, hash browns with all the toppings, and eggs.  The customer eats everything on the plates then calls me over.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

    Customer: “My hash browns had peppers in them. I’m deathly allergic! I need you to give me the food for free.  I have to go to the hospital.

    Me: “Do you need me to call an ambulance?”

    Customer: “Oh, no, no, no. I can get there on my own. Just give me the food for free.”

    Me: ”I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. You ate all of your food and you seem fine.”

    Customer: “Then give me a discount, half off. I’m allergic to peppers! You gave them to me! I’m going to sue you!”

    Me: ”Ma’am, you seem fine, and you obviously saw and tasted the peppers, yet you ate it anyway. I can’t give you a discount.”

    Customer: *starts breathing heavily* “You did this to me…” *gasps for air* “…and you won’t give me my food for free! I’m suing you!”

    Me: ”That’s okay, but you still have to pay. I’ll have to call the police if you don’t pay.”

    Customer: *abruptly stops breathing heavily, pays, walks out, and gives everyone the middle finger*

    Related:
    Your Argument Is Full Of Hot Air, Part 2
    Your Argument Is Full Of Hot Air

    Bad Day LA

    , | Goshen, IN, USA | Food & Drink, Love/Romance

    (It’s my first night working drive-thru. I’m really nervous and trying to be polite to the customers. A man orders his meal and pulls up to window to pay. He looks mad. He pays me, and I give him his change and hand him his bag.)

    Me: “Have a nice day!”

    Customer: “Not with the day I’m having.”

    Me: “Yeah, we all have those kind of days.”

    Customer: “NOT with the kind of day I’m having! When your wife leaves you for a richer man, goes to California with him, and then calls you because she wants money to come home, THEN you’re having a bad day!” *screeches out of parking lot*

    This Strange Kind Of Woman Needs To Hush

    | Queensland, Australia | Musical Mayhem, Top

    (When Guitar Hero first came out, our store had the game set up for customers to play in-store. A customer who looks to be in her late thirties or early forties is checking out. She has been aggressive and rude the entire time she has been in the store, going so far as to harass other customers trying to shop.)

    Customer: “…And you should turn off this CD! It’s giving me a headache!”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am. It’s actually not a CD, but a new game which we have set up for people to try. You can see some people playing it over there right now.” *I point them out* “We do have the volume about as low as we can while still allowing people to enjoy the game properly.”

    Customer: “Well, you should at least make it play some decent music! You kids don’t know what good music is. I’m so sick of hearing this stupid modern teeny-bopper kid music in every damn shop. It just pisses me off. Guess what? Most of us aren’t that young, and we don’t want to listen to music only teenagers these days could enjoy! They stopped making good music before you were even born! You’ve probably never even heard good music!”

    Me: “I really am sorry, ma’am, and if it were a CD I would turn it off for you, but other customers are enjoying the game right now. I have to say, though, you look amazing! I never would have guessed you were old enough to consider Deep Purple music only for the younger generation.”

    Customer: *flustered* “Well! I didn’t mean the current song, obviously! The band that was playing before this song!”

    Me: “…Cream?”

    (The customer eventually left, muttering the whole way about about kids and teenagers. The three ‘kids’ playing the game while she was in-store? Grey-bearded gentlemen well over fifty.)

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