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    I Hope You’re Pool-ing My Leg

    | Somerset, England, UK | Extra Stupid

    Me: “Good afternoon, [business name]. How can I help?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’ve been looking at your seven-foot pool tables on your website, and I have a few questions.”

    Me: “Okay, that’s fine. What would you like to know?”

    Caller: “So, seven feet…is that the height?”

    Don’t Egg On The Eggman

    | Kentucky, USA | Wild & Unruly

    (I am a regular customer at a locally-owned game store. It’s a really nice store, with an in-house arcade and snack bar. We also have weekly gaming and card game tournaments, one of which is going on during the time of this story. I’m browsing a bit, when I overhear this conversation between an employee, who is also my friend, and a customer.)

    Employee: “Hi, welcome to [store]. Are you looking for anything in particular?”

    Customer: “Yeah, my money back!”

    Employee: “I’ll be happy to help you with a return. What item are—”

    (The customer slams a copy of Sonic the Hedgehog 2006—a notoriously bad game—onto the counter.)

    Customer: “How dare you sell me this piece of s***?!”

    Employee: “Sir, please don’t swear at me. Now, would you like cash or store credit?”

    Customer: “Give me f***ing cash! This s***hole of a store doesn’t deserve a quality gamer like me to shop here!”

    Employee: “Okay, I can give you $5 for this.”

    Customer: “FIVE DOLLARS? FIVE F***ING DOLLARS? THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS!”

    Employee: “Sir, please calm down.”

    Customer: “I PAID FULL PRICE FOR THIS GAME!”

    Employee: “Sir, the price sticker is still on here. You paid $10, which is nowhere near the full price.”

    Customer: “YOU’RE TRYING TO F***ING RIP ME OFF!”

    (The employee motions towards the kids playing a popular trading card game nearby.)

    Employee: “Sir, there are children in this store. If you can’t calm down and properly behave, I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

    (Suddenly, the customer flings the game to the side. He then goes on a rampage throughout the store, flings merchandise off of the shelves and flips over one of the claw machines in the arcade in his rage. The employee called security and the customer was dragged out, still thrashing and swearing!)

    Bigotry Gets Served

    , | Boca Raton, FL, USA | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m a customer standing in line behind another customer at a Mexican fast-food restaurant.)

    Cashier: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Excuse me, but you gay?”

    Cashier: “Um…I mean…yeah, but I don’t see what that—”

    Customer: *menacing* “I’m gonna need you to leave this here store, so a good Christian can take my order. Got that?!”

    (The manager has overheard all this and walks over.)

    Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but you’re going to have to leave.”

    Customer: “Are you discriminating on me ’cause I’m a Christian?”

    Manager: “No, sir, I am not. I am also a Christian.”

    Customer: “And you, a claimed Christian, hired this sodomite?”

    Manager: “I hired this man because he does his job extremely well and is a good employee.”

    Customer: “But he’s a sodomite!”

    Manager: “You need to leave, now.”

    Customer: “I ain’t leavin ’til I get my here IMMIGRANT food from a good Christian!”

    (Fed up, hungry, and in a rush, I speak up.)

    Me: “If you’ll excuse me, sir, I’m in too much of a rush to deal with your bulls***. Since you’re being kicked out, I’m going to give my order to the nice cashier over here. You can also go ahead and get something for yourself on my tab, because no one should have to put up with you!”

    (The four other customers behind me clapped, while the customer screamed, “YOU’RE ALL HEATHENS!” and ran out like he was being chased by Satan. On top of that, I got my order on the house!)

    Hair-Raising Customers

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I have very long, honey-blonde hair that is not dyed or altered. A lady is waiting for her boyfriend in the hospital emergency room when she approaches my desk.)

    Me: “Hi, would you like to head back to check on [lady's boyfriend]?”

    Lady: “No. I just wanted to compliment you on your extensions and get the number of your hairdresser.”

    Me: “Actually, my hair is natural.”

    Lady: “Yeah, okay, right…seriously, who does your hair?”

    (At that moment, my printer begins printing paperwork and I turn around to retrieve it. Suddenly, she leans forward and yanks on my hair.)

    Me: “OW!”

    (She yanks even harder.)

    Lady: “They usually come right out!”

    (I am trying to free my hair from her as she continues to yank.)

    Me: “OW! Ma’am, please, ow, stop. It’s not going to come off! It’s attached to my head!”

    (Thankfully, security shows up and makes her let go. As she’s heading to her boyfriend’s room, she starts ranting.)

    Lady: “HAIR CAN’T GROW THAT LONG!”

    Your Brain Runneth Over

    | Ontario, Canada | Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel

    (I work on the Rideau Canal, a lock system first built just after the war of 1812. In addition to operating the locks, we sell passes and talk about the history and operation of the system. One particularly busy day, a tourist approaches me as we are filling the lock chamber.)

    Tourist: “So, where does all this water come from?”

    Me: “It flows down from Upper Rideau Lake, hence the name of the system.”

    Tourist: “So, it fills all the locks?”

    Me: “That’s right.”

    Tourist: “But what about when you run out?”

    Me: “…Excuse me?”

    Tourist: “Well, look at all that water! That has to be a thousand gallons in this basin alone. You could use up to a million in a day. That’s just wasteful, and the lake will eventually run out!”

    (At this point, 23 boats are waiting to go through, and I don’t have time to explain the water cycle, so I just say the first thing I thought up.)

    Me: “Actually, sir, we have giant buckets at both ends to catch all the water and put it back into the lake every night.”

    Tourist: “Oh, I see! That’s very good of you guys to think of the environment!” *wanders off happily*

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