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    Needs To Redress That Poster

    | Denmark | Crazy Requests

    (I run a vintage shop, where I sell all kinds of retro and vintage items. I have just learned how to fix broken zippers on jackets, holes in shirts and other things you can do with a sewing machine. I have a poster that says I offer this service, for about $3 per item. A customer approaches my counter.)

    Customer: “Hello, I saw your poster. I was wondering if I could get you to make a wedding dress for my daughter? She’s about the same size as you. It needs to be white, with puffed shoulders, and roses with glitter. Not real roses, but fabric ones. It needs to be a full-length skirt.”

    Me: “Sounds like a pretty dress, but my sewing skills are really nowhere near high enough to make a wedding dress. I only fix zippers and holes in shirts, and such.”

    Customer: “No, you don’t understand! It’s a very simple dress! Anyone can make that kind of dress, so why can’t you? Listen, I know your poster says £3 per item, but I’m willing to make it $15. Then you also have enough to buy the fabric!”

    Me: “Listen, I think you misunderstood what I said. I can’t make that dress; it’s not possible for me. And even if I could, which I really can’t, $15 would never be enough to buy fabric for a full-length skirt and puffed shoulders. I’m really sorry, but you need to find someone else to make the dress.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! Your poster says you sew stuff! And now you say you can’t make a simple wedding dress? That’s false advertisement! Where’s your manager? I need to speak to your manager!”

    Me: “I am the manager; I’m really sorry, but—”

    Customer: “Then get me the owner!”

    Me: “I’m also the owner of this store, but if you would just—”

    Customer: “What the h***! Then where do I file a complaint, so I can get your a** fired for false advertisement?”

    (I usually don’t get angry, but the woman is now getting on my nerves.)

    Me: “Lady! You need to listen! I can not make that wedding dress, because my sewing skills are not that great!”

    Customer: “But the—”

    Me: “—and if you would just pay a little more attention to what you read, the poster clearly states I only do small sewing tasks and fix-ups! It doesn’t say I do full-length wedding dresses! So please, if you would just be so kind to find someone else to make the dress, that would be lovely! Have a nice day, madam!”

    (The customer stands there for a few seconds, trying to find an argument she can use against me. When she fails, she leaves the store. Another customer, who’s been there the whole time, suddenly bursts out in laughter.)

    Other Customer: “Hahaha! If my future wife came down the aisle in a dress with puffy shoulders and roses with glitter, I think I would leave her at the altar! And to get that woman as a mother-in-law? H*** no!”

    Blood Type B(igot)

    | USA | Bigotry, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m in the waiting room at the ER, waiting for news about my girlfriend. There’s a very agitated patient at the counter with a cut on his hand, but he’s demanding to speak to a nurse before he gets any attention. )

    Patient: “I need to know if there’s any way to make sure I get the right kind of blood if I need a transfusion.”

    Hospital Employee: “Of course, we check your blood type and make sure we get a match. If you give a type A person type B blood, it can be very dangerous, so we have to be careful. But looking at your hand, I don’t think you’ll need—”

    Patient: “No no no! You filthy ingrate; you don’t understand! I want to make sure I don’t get no [racial slur] blood! You need to make sure that if I get a transfusion, it’s white blood!”

    (Everyone in the emergency room is staring at him. He turns around to glare at us all.)

    Patient: “What? You have no right to judge me! I have pride; that’s all that matters! If I want to keep my blood pure. These idiots need to make sure that happens!”

    Hospital Employee: “Sir, we don’t keep racial records on blood donors. Nor do the blood banks. We make sure there are no blood-borne illnesses, and that the typing matches.”

    Patient: “That isn’t good enough! I ain’t getting no [racial slur] blood, you hear me?”

    Hospital Employee: “Again, sir, looking at this injury, you shouldn’t need a transfusion. You’d literally have to have someone come in and donate blood to you.”

    Patient: *to me* “You! You’re white! What blood type are you?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir; I couldn’t, in good conscience, save the life of a bigot.”

    (Everybody applauds, but the man actually passes out. They stitch up his hand, and unsurprisingly, he doesn’t need blood.)

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    middle-aged-customer-confession-bear-meme

    Sat Too Long On The Hash Key

    | IL, USA | Awesome Customers, Technology, Top

    (I’m manager of the electronic department in a retail store. Though we do not offer tech support, I often give out advice when I can, since I’m pretty tech savvy.)

    Customer: “Hey, you seem to know your stuff; I’ve seen you around. Listen, my cat sat on my laptop the other day, and now I can’t get the track-pad to work. I could use a mouse, but it’s more to carry around and they make my hand hurt.”

    Me: “I can’t be sure, but it sounds like your cat may have just disabled it. Most laptops have a button you can turn it on/off with, and the cat probably pressed it by accident.”

    (I show him on a demo unit what to look for and where it might be. He thanks me, and heads out. I don’t think anything of it until I see him again, about 30 minutes later, with a plastic shopping bag in tow.)

    Customer: “So, I tried to find what you suggested, but I couldn’t figure it out. Do you think you could show me?”

    (I look around nervously, since I’m technically not allowed to perform any services like this. But he already has the laptop out on my counter, and it’s powering up. Since no one is around, I decide to help him out.)

    Me: “Your track-pad was locked. This button right here locks and unlocks it. See the little light that comes on when it’s working?”

    Customer: “Oh man, that’s awesome! I can’t believe it was so simple. Listen, I was ready to spend a lot to get this fixed, but you did it for free! Can I give you this $20 as a tip?”

    Me: “Ah… no. Unfortunately we are not allowed to accept tips. If you’re really insistent that I take it, I’ll have to turn it over to my boss, and it’ll become part of a charitable donation.”

    Customer: “What if I just drop it as I’m leaving, and you happen to pick it up?”

    Me: “There’s a security camera right above us. Listen, I really appreciate the thought, but I can’t accept it. Think of it as my good deed for the day.”

    Customer: “Right on man, like karma. Hey, you want some of this bud?”

    (He pulls a small plastic bag of marijuana out of his pocket, and offers it towards me.)

    Me: “Ah! Sir, I would highly recommend putting that away. I did mention there’s a security camera right above us.”

    Customer: “Oh, yeah. Well, I hope when you get off work you get to smoke up, drink up, or whatever it is you do to unwind. You deserve it, man. Let that good karma flow back to you!”

    Discrimi(nation)

    | Canada | Bigotry, History, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

    (I work at a museum which features a large permanent exhibit of local First Nations artefacts, living spaces, and other historical paraphernalia. Because of this, we offer free admission to First Nations patrons. I have just finished printing tickets for two First Nations women. The next woman in line is Caucasian.)

    Woman: “Did they just get in for free?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Woman: “Why?”

    Me: “They’re First Nations. We offer free admission to those with status cards.”

    Woman: “But that’s outrageous! I have to play $15, and they get in free just because they’re lazy natives?”

    Me: “Ma’am—”

    Woman: “It’s not our fault they spend all their money on booze and can’t afford the museum! Why should they get in for free?”

    Me: “Ma’am! This museum features artefacts that were at one time stolen from the local bands. They are now put on display in exhibits of cultural history, of which the museum now makes a profit. You think we should charge the members of the culture it was stolen from to come see it?”

    Woman: “Yes!”

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