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  • Not Paying At-Ten-tion

    | Canberra, Australia | Money

    (I work in a bookshop and we are having a sale. Everything is $10, and there are signs and tags everywhere.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, how much is this?”

    Me: “Everything in store is $10.”

    Customer: “So, how much is this?”

    Me: “$10.”

    Customer: (picks up another book) “…and this?”

    Me: “$10.”

    Customer: “That can’t be right. It’s too cheap!”

    Me: “I assure you it is. We’re having a sale. Everything is $10.”

    Customer: “Oh, great!”

    (The customer picks up another book with a big $10 sticker on the front.)

    Customer: “So, how much is this one?”

    The Pool-cebo Effect

    | Livingston, NJ, USA | Top

    (I am a lifeguard at a pool. I am covering a coworker’s 12-4pm shift while he is visiting a friend in Boston. There is a senior aqua-exercise class for people with arthritis that is starting.)

    Swimmer #1: “Brrr, The water is so cold! Why is the water always so cold?”

    Swimmer #2: “Yes, this is ridiculous. We are going to freeze to death!” *to me* “You, there! Lifeguard! What is the water temperature today?”

    Me: “It is 84 degrees. Quite warm, actually. I went for a swim earlier.”

    Swimmer #1: “Bulls***! Where is the normal lifeguard, [coworker's name]? He always fixes the water temperature for us.”

    Me: “Really? How?”

    Swimmer #2: “He calls the front desk and has maintenance turn up the temperature. He’s such a nice boy. Such a lovely boy!”

    Me: “Okay, let me try that…

    (I walk over to the phone, but instead of calling the front desk, I just call my coworker’s cellphone.)

    Coworker: “Hello?”

    Me: “Yeah, hey, I’m doing your shift. There’s this arthritis class in here complaining about the water temperature. They say that you know how to fix it for them. What exactly do you do?”

    Coworker: “Oh, haha! I always tell them I’m going to call the front desk and have the temperature cranked up. Then, I walk into the office, pick up the phone and just mouth words to the dial tone for a few seconds. Then I go back and tell them that they’re working on it.”

    Me: “Okay, man, awesome.”

    (I hang up and walk back to the class.)

    Me: *to the swimmers* “Uh, yeah…they said they’ll get on it right away.”

    Swimmer #1: “I feel better already!”

    Slob Calling The Coffee Black

    | Rhode Island, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (I am walking down one of our grocery store’s aisles when I overhear a couple talking.)

    Husband: “Crap, I dropped my coffee. Honey, find some paper towels.”

    Wife: “What?! No! Just leave it there. They have people walk around and clean up these things. It’s fine!”

    Husband: “Um, I—”

    Wife: “Just leave it! We have too much to do.”

    (The wife then turns and sees me. She doesn’t miss a beat.)

    Wife: “Someone just dropped this and left it. People are slobs. You should clean this up before someone gets hurt!”

    A Few Slices Short Of A Pie

    | Mississippi, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science

    (I am taking an order over the phone. The caller has never ordered here before and isn’t familiar with the menu.)

    Caller: “How many slices are on your 12 inch?”

    Me: “8.”

    Caller: “What about your 18 inch?”

    Me: “8.”

    Caller: “I thought the 12 inch had 8 slices.”

    Me: “It does. They both have 8 slices.”

    Caller: “How is that possible? If they both have 8 slices, shouldn’t they be the same size?”

    Me: “No, miss. The slices are just different sizes. The number of slices doesn’t make the size of the pizza. They both have 8 slices, but the 18 inch has much bigger slices.”

    Caller: “Oh. Right. Can you cut it twice, to make the slices smaller?”

    Me: “Of course. We can double cut it for you.”

    Caller: “So, how many slices would that be? What, 12?”

    Me: “16.”

    Caller: “No. If you normally have 8 slices, and you cut them twice, it should be 12 pieces, not 16.”

    Me: “It’s 16, Miss. 8 times 2 is 16.”

    Caller: “Whatever…I don’t think so. You have wings?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Caller: “What sizes?”

    Me: “8, 12, 18, 24, and 50.”

    Caller: “Oh, alright. I’ll take a 10 piece.”

    Me: “We have an 8 piece and a 12 piece.”

    Caller: “No, I said a 10 piece.”

    Me: “I know…we don’t have a 10 piece, but we do have an 8 piece or a 12 piece.”

    Caller: “I’m pretty sure you have a 10 piece. My sister said she always gets a ten piece. Are you new? Maybe you should check the menu!”

    Me: “I’ve worked here for 3 years. We’ve never had a 10 piece and I’m looking at the menu on the computer right now. 8 or 12?”

    Caller: “Fine. 12!”

    We’d Love To Cut Your Lawn, But—

    | Nebraska, USA | Top

    (I’m attempting to let a customer know via telephone that we want to treat their yard the next day.)

    Me: “Hi this is—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Hi, this is—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Th—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: *quickly* “This is [lawn care company] calling.”

    Customer: “Oh, yes.”

    Me: “We’d like to put down an application tomorrow.”

    Customer: “Does it need to be mowed first?”

    Me: “No, it d—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “No, it d—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “N—”

    Customer: “You’re cutting out.”

    Me: “I—”

    Customer: “WHY DO YOU KEEP CUTTING OUT?!”

    Me: “Because you keep talking over me.”

    Customer: “I do what?”

    Me: “You keep t—”

    Customer: “I do no such thing!”

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