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    Just Plain Nuts

    | Panama City Beach, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

    Customer: “So, does the Rocky Road have peanuts in it? I’m allergic to peanuts.”

    Me: “I’m afraid it does, sir. I’d recommend the Cookie Dough; it’s very good.”

    Customer: “No, no, I’ve had that before. Thanks for telling me about the Rocky Road though. Allergies, you know?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, my friend is very allergic to peanuts, too.”

    Customer: “You’re such a nice girl. All right, I think I’ll have vanilla with the peanut butter candy on top.”

    Me: “Sir? Um… the candy has p—”

    Customer: “Look, kiddo, you were a big help but gimme my darn ice cream, okay? I’m in a bit of a hurry!”

    Me: “Sir, you just told me you had a peanut allergy. I can’t in good conscience give you that topping.”

    Customer: “You’re a teenager. You don’t have a conscience! You’re probably waiting for your boyfriend to show up so you can have sex and do drugs!”

    Me: *dumbstruck*

    Other Customer: “Hey, jerkface, she’s trying to tell you that the candy has peanuts in it! For not having a conscience, she’s being pretty nice about keeping you out of the hospital!”

    Customer: *leaves in a huff*

    Other Customer: “I’m not allergic to peanuts or delusional. One Rocky Road!”

    Retail Can Leave You Bor-g-ed Stiff

    | Michigan, USA | Bizarre

    (It’s towards the end of my work day, and I grab at the first item in a customer’s order right as she swipes her card.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, your card did not read as I hadn’t scanned the first item yet.”

    Customer: “NOOO!”

    Me: *surprised* “Huh?”

    Customer: “You have ROBOT-ITIS!”

    Me: “Huh?”

    Customer: “You said that like you say it a million times a day! Put more feeling into it, Miss Robot!”

    Your Bigotry Is Kilting Me

    | Portland, OR, USA | Bigotry, Top

    (I’m working at the entrance of a local heritage fair when a white pickup truck pulls up. The driver, a large middle-aged man, gets out and stomps towards my desk.)

    Customer: *slams his hands on the table* “What the f*** do you Mexicans think you’re doing?”

    Me: *confused* “Sir, we—”

    Customer: “Look, I don’t want you d*** w******* here in the first place. I want you all back over the border where you belong!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re being very offensive, and this is—”

    Customer: “But if you’re going to come to my godd*** country, you’re going to act like real Americans and not fly those f***ing Mexican flags and speak that s***-eating language, and you aren’t gonna celebrate being a bunch of f***ing foreigners!”

    Me: “Security to entrance!”

    Customer: *jumps back into his car and starts driving off* “Go back to Mexico!”

    (The racist driver never returned. The heritage event in question, by the way, was the Scottish Highland Games.)

    Not Two Bright

    | Texas, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science

    (I work in a Mexican restaurant where I host and take to-go orders. We have a special on the menu where you can get a plate of 1-4 items (a dollar more for each item added) starting off at $9.49. A regular calls in her order.)

    Me: “Thank you for choosing [restaurant]. This is [name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I want two of your lunch specials. I want two beef tacos on one plate and one beef taco and one beef enchilada on the other plate.”

    Me: “Alright, on the first plate did you want two crispy beef tacos or soft?”

    Customer: “Uhm, one crispy and one soft.”

    Me: “Alright, and on the second plate did you want a soft beef taco or crispy?

    Customer: *gets irritated* “UGH! CRISPY!”

    Me: “Okie dokie, and what kinda sauce on the enchilada?”

    Customer: “Queso. Now, can you repeat my order back so I can make sure you got it right?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, I have a Combo #2 with two beef tacos, one crispy and one soft. Then I have another Combo #2 with one beef crispy taco and one beef enchilada with queso on top.”

    Customer: “NO! I said TWO lunch specials!”

    Me: *confused* “Yes ma’am, two combos on our lunch menu, right?”

    Customer: “NO! I want two crispy beef tacos on one, two soft beef tacos on another, and one beef crispy taco and one beef enchilada on the other!”

    Me: “So, you want three lunch specials?”

    Customer: “NO! I want TWO!”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, two plates.”

    I re-write the order and repeat back her new order. She’s satisfied, so I ring up the three plates as opposed to two.)

    Me: “Alrighty, your food should be ready in the next 15 minutes or so!”

    Customer: “Okay!” *hangs up*

    (15 minutes later, the customer arrives to pick up her order.)

    Customer: “It was just the hardest having you take my order, missy!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. You kept saying you wanted two plates when really it was three.”

    Customer: “BECAUSE IT IS TWO! GOD!”

    Me: “Alright, your total will be [price].”

    (She pays, and I hand her her bag.)

    Customer: *pulls out the boxes* “SEE?! TWO!” *happily walks out the door*

    (The customer was holding three boxes.)

    We’ll Make You As Right As Rain

    | Florida, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (It’s a Friday night after the evening rush. It’s pouring rain, and generally people are more irritable if they have to be in the rain after a long day at work. Such is the case with this customer.)

    Customer: *walks in* “Evenin’.”

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [shop name]. Did you already have an order with us?”

    Customer: “No. Do you have a menu I can look at?”

    Me: “Yes, I have one right here.”

    (I hand her a take-home menu, but there is a large board menu above me that’s pretty obvious.)

    Customer: “Oh, I guess I could’ve just looked up there, huh.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Customer: *frowning* “Agreeing with me makes you sound like you’re making fun of me.”

    Me: “I would never. I value your service with us.”

    Customer: “As you should.”

    (15 minutes later…)

    Customer: “Is my pizza done yet?”

    Me: “It should be done any second now.”

    Customer: “Why does it take so long? I could’ve just gone to [competitor shop name] and been home with a pizza by now.”

    Me: “Well, we cook everything to order to ensure your food is always fresh.”

    Customer: “Well, you haven’t done anything except fold pizza boxes. I could’ve done that for you, and you could’ve gone to make my pizza and have it to me quicker.”

    Me: “There’s already a staff on the food line right now. Adding me back there wouldn’t help at all.”

    (She picks up an unfolded pizza box and examines it.)

    Customer: “Well, this is certainly too easy of a job. I could do it blindfolded!”

    (The customer struggles with folding box, and finally gets the box folded after five minutes of toying with it. In that same time, I’ve already made a stack and am working on another set.)

    Customer: “See? Too easy.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, let’s have us a challenge. I get an employee discount to use every week, and I haven’t used it yet. If you can fold an 18-set stack faster than me, I’ll add that discount to your order.”

    Customer: “You’re on!”

    (The customer’s food comes out. She finishes her stack, but long after I’ve completed mine. She picks up her food and begins walking to the door.)

    Customer: “So much for my discount, but thank you for entertaining me. I had a pretty s***y day today, and you cheered me up, AND the rain has stopped. You’ve earned the shop a regular customer!”

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