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    She Nose What You’re Planning

    | UK | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I am supervising the changing rooms. A woman calls out from a locked cubicle.)

    Woman: “Excuse me! My daughter’s having a nosebleed in here; could you get me a tissue?”

    Me: “I don’t have one on me, I’m afraid. Wait a moment; I’ll see if my colleague can bring you one.”

    (I call out and wave to my colleague, but she’s busy and doesn’t see me.)

    Woman: “Excuse me! I need one now! It’s your job to help me, so do your job and go get me a tissue!”

    Me: “I’m not allowed to leave the changing rooms unattended. I’m trying to get one for you; just one moment…”

    Woman: “That’s not good enough! I need one now! Do your job!”

    (An older lady in another cubicle starts speaking loudly.)

    Older Lady: “It’s not her job to look after your daughter. She clearly doesn’t have any tissue, so just go to the toilets yourself. She obviously can’t leave the room while there are people in here; for all she knows, you could be a shoplifter who’s just trying to distract her!”

    (A few seconds later, the angry woman emerges from her cubicle. She throws all the clothes she was trying on at me, then storms out of the shop with her suspiciously blood-free daughter. I thank the older lady when she comes out, and congratulate her on being so worldly-wise!)

    Save It On A Flesh Drive

    | WA, USA | Books & Reading, Language & Words, Technology

    (Our library offers several touch-screen computers that customers can use to check out items themselves. The customer is a friendly regular, but a little shy because English is not her first language.)

    Customer: “Why does this machine require flesh?”

    Me: “W-what?”

    Customer: “This machine. I am touching it, but it does not work. Is because…?”

    (She shows that she is wearing gloves.)

    Me: “Oh! I’m sorry; yes I suppose the screens don’t work if you have gloves on. I had never really thought about that.”

    Customer: “Ah. Okay, sorry to be bother.”

    Me: “No, no! That is the best thing I’ve heard all week.”

    (Now whenever the computers have problems, the staff joke that they ‘require flesh’ to function, and someone must be sacrificed to appease them.)

    Prescription Affliction

    | New York, NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month

    (I am a pharmacy technician. The pharmacist receives a call.)

    Caller: “This is Lisa; I am calling from Dr. [Name]’s office. I need to call in a prescription for a patient.”

    Pharmacist: “Sure, what is the patient’s name?”

    Caller: “It is [Patient].”

    Pharmacist: “And the prescription?”

    Caller: “It’s [narcotic], 90 pills, three times a day.”

    Pharmacist: “Okay, thanks.”

    (The pharmacist hangs up and turns to me, frowning.)

    Pharmacist: “Do you know anything about this?”

    Me: “What? No, why?”

    (The pharmacist shows me the called-in prescription.)

    Me: “Oh! Lisa was fired months ago. You had better call the police.”

    (When Lisa came in to pick up the narcotic prescription for her boyfriend, the police were there to arrest her. The doctor she used to work for is my father; she was trying to use his license number to get pills from a dozen nearby pharmacies.)

    Needs To Chill Out

    | Auckland, New Zealand | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Technology

    (Our company takes calls from all over the world from customers wanting help with household appliance queries.)

    Me: “Welcome to the customer care centre. How may I help today?”

    (An American customer starts screaming.)

    Customer: “STOP WATCHING ME! BIG BROTHER IS INSIDE MY FRIDGE!”

    Me: “Why do you think that, ma’am?”

    Customer: “There’s this little blinking light and manic beeping coming from inside my fridge! Listen!”

    (I hear a clunking noise, and the customer’s voice gets very faint. A few moments pass; the customer puts the phone to her ear again.)

    Customer: “Did you hear that? I know someone is spying on me!!”

    Me: “What just happened, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I put ya’ll in the fridge so you could hear the noise, and see who’s spying on me!”

    Me: “Well, apart from being a little chilly I didn’t hear anything. How often does the beeping occur?”

    Customer: “When I have the door open! I can see the blinking light and the beeping is driving me nuts!”

    Me: “Ma’am? The fridge does this to alert you to the fact that the door has been open for too long. It is so the food is kept fresh. I promise you, there is no one watching you.”

    Customer: “Yes! There is someone! What are you going to do about it?”

    Me: “May I ask how much you purchased your fridge for?”

    Customer: “Around $1500. Why?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you don’t need to worry. There is no one inside your fridge watching you. We only supply the ones with robots inside for the military, and those fridges would set you back $5000! I promise you that if you shut your fridge door firmly when it starts to beep, you won’t have any more trouble.”

    (The customer breathes a sigh of relief.)

    Customer: “Whew! I thought I was going nuts! Thanks hon!”

    Her Slap Is Worse Than Her Bite

    | Waterford, Ireland | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (An elderly woman approaches me.)

    Customer: “Miss, can you please do me a favour?”

    Me: “Sure thing. How can I help?”

    Customer: “I need you to look after my dog.”

    (I am slightly alarmed, as we are in the fresh meat section.)

    Me: “Is your dog in the shop?”

    Customer: “Of course not! Who brings a dog to a shop?!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry but I can’t mind your dog. As you can see I’m actually working in the store at the moment, so I can’t leave.”

    Customer: “Are you refusing to help me?!”

    Me: “No, miss. I’m afraid I simply can’t leave in the middle of a shift to mind a stranger’s dog.”

    (She proceeds to slap me HARD in the face.)

    Customer: “Why won’t you help me?!”

    (She slaps me on the other cheek, and storms away. I turn to find a queue of customers at customer service, and a coworker looking on in horror.)

    Me: “I need hazard pay for this job.”

    Other Customer: “Holy s***, how did you not slap her back?”

    Me: “Years of practice.”

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