(I answer a crisis hot line for suicide, depression, drugs, any sort of thing they want to talk about.)

Me: “[Name of Crisis Line]. My name is [name]. Do you feel comfortable sharing your first name?”

Caller: ”Do people really ever call this line?”

Me: “Yes, they certainly do. What’s on your mind today?”

Caller: “Well that’s stupid. Do you just listen to depressed people all day?”

Me: “I listen to whatever is on their mind. That’s what we’re here for.”

Caller: “You should just tell them to off themselves.”

Me: “Sir, if you would like to speak to an operator, I’m right here. If you are prank calling us, that is a misdemeanor and we will prosecute.”

Caller: *obviously faking it* “Oh… well you see …my… um… my… cat…died.”

Customer: “Hey, I need you to help me pick out something to wear.”

Me: “Alright. Any special occasion?”

Customer: “Yeah, I got a date on Saturday. I’m taking my girl to [local amusement park].”

Me: “Alright, so you’ll probably need shorts and a nice shirt. How about this?”

Customer: “No, nicer than that.”

Me: “It’s supposed to be really hot this weekend, so you’d need a shirt with a thin fabric. This is a very well-made shirt.”

Customer: “If you say so, but I better get laid or I’ll be back Sunday and file a complaint.”

(A female coworker walks past and the customer starts talking to her.)

Customer: “Hey, would you sleep with me if I wore this?”

Female coworker: “…”

Customer: “I would like to cancel my appointment for a tutor at 1:30.”

Me: “You are not booked for 1:30.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Can I make a appointment for 1:30 then?”

Me: “Didn’t you just say you want to cancel it?”

Customer: “Don’t I need to have a appointment first to cancel it?”

Coworker: “Hello sir, are you looking for something?”

Customer: “I refuse to be helped by you. You’re Chinese. You’re another one of these darn immigrants stealing the honest Canadian’s jobs!”

Coworker: “Well, my grandmother is from Japan, but I assure you I was born in the province of Quebec.”

Customer: “Lies, lies and lies!” *spots me* “Finally, a prime example of our good Canadian youth. Young sir, can you help me please?”

Me: *in my New Brunswick accent* “Sure I can. What are you looking for?”

Customer: “What kind of accent is this? Are you German? Or Russian? Get me the manager! I don’t understand how a sane person could hire these instead of a hard working Canadian!”

Me: *grabbing the phone* “Calling Maria to front desk.”

Customer: “Maria!? That’s Latino!”

Customer: “I bought this heat gun a month and a half ago. I don’t have a receipt. I just want an exchange.”

Me: “You bought this a month and a half ago? About early June?”

Customer: “Yes. I just want an exchange.”

Me: *double checks computer* “Sir, we discontinued this almost a year ago. We sold our last one this past October.”

Customer: “Maybe it was a little longer than a month and a half…”