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    How The Cookie Crumbles

    | Hamilton, ON, Canada |

    Customer: “I would like to return these cookies. There are two cookies missing.”

    Me: “Alright, were they stale?”

    Customer: “No, my son just didn’t like them. I have the receipt.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. I cannot refund them.”

    Customer: “But there are two cookies missing!”

    Me: “I realize that, but we cannot resell this product because you have opened them.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand. What is the point of keeping a receipt if you cannot return an item? My son didn’t like them! There are only two missing!”

    Me: “I’m sorry miss, but as a consumer, that is a risk you are willing to take when trying a new product.”

    Customer: “It’s only missing two cookies!”

    (The customer eventually left, albeit begrudgingly.)

    Water Water Everywhere And Not A Drop To Flush

    | UK | Extra Stupid

    (We run a boat which takes 12 people at a time. We have two toilets on board, which is usually enough for no one to have to wait for any period of time.)

    Customer: *flustered and annoyed* “Both toilets are full!”

    Me: “Um, yes.”

    Customer: “But I need to go and both toilets are full!”

    Me: “I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do.”

    Customer: “I need to go!”

    Me: “What do you want me to do? Drag someone out of there?”

    Customer: *mumbles* “But both toilets are full.”

    No Helium For The Airhead

    | Belgium |

    (A customer addresses me with a question about balloons we’ve sold her the week before.)

    Customer: “I think I bought the wrong ones.” *points at the shelf* “These don’t rise to the ceiling. Where are the ones that do?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there is only one kind of balloon. They float if you fill them with helium.”

    (The customer stands there giving me a puzzled look.)

    Me: “You just blew them up with air, didn’t you? You see, if the gas is lighter than the air–”

    (She continues to look with a confused, helpless gaze.)

    Me: “If you want them to float in the air, you’ll just have to buy this tank of helium, put the balloon over the valve and release the gas into the balloon.”

    Customer: “But I’ve already blown up all the balloons! Is there no other way to have them go up to the ceiling?”

    Me: “You could tape them onto your ceiling.”

    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Religion

    (I work in a call center that distributes supplies to missions all over the world. We get called at least three times a week, sometimes more, by a woman who likes to order supplies for her mission one or two items at a time. Also, all missionaries carry a ministerial card, certifying them as authorized representatives of our church.)

    Me: “Okay, I’ve entered that order for you. Is there anything else you need?”

    Customer: “Yes, I need a menstrual certificate.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, a what?”

    Customer: “A menstrual certificate!”

    Me: “A what?”

    Customer: “A menstrual certificate! One of our elders has lost his menstrual certificate, and he needs a new one!”

    Me: “Um, I think you should call the missionary department about that one.”

    Related:
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

    Beyond The Call Of Duty

    | Wisconsin, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I work at a video rental store that carries some adult movies in a side/back room. I am busy sorting our dropbox of movies when a older gentleman approaches my male coworker.)

    Customer: “These [adult] movies didn’t work.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Did you want to grab a couple others to replace them?”

    Customer: “No, you do it for me. These didn’t work.”

    (I check the computer system for replacement copies.)

    Me: “Well, these are the only copies of these movies, but you can go get two others for free today.”

    Customer: “You go find two for me. I want ones that work. You go pick them out.”

    Me: “You want me to go get you two replacements?”

    Customer: “Yes, you.”

    (I go into the back room and chooses two movies for the customer. I then clean the new movies and check out the customer.)

    Me, to coworker: *after the customer leaves* “Please tell me you heard what he had me do.”

    Coworker: “Did you just go pick out porn for him?”

    Me: “Yeah. How weird.”

    Coworker: *laughing* “I’d just grab the first two I found.”

    Me: “I couldn’t! I had to find ones that were a similar theme.”

    Coworker: “Awkward.”

    Me: “Totally.”


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