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    Hair-Raising Customers

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I have very long, honey-blonde hair that is not dyed or altered. A lady is waiting for her boyfriend in the hospital emergency room when she approaches my desk.)

    Me: “Hi, would you like to head back to check on [lady's boyfriend]?”

    Lady: “No. I just wanted to compliment you on your extensions and get the number of your hairdresser.”

    Me: “Actually, my hair is natural.”

    Lady: “Yeah, okay, right…seriously, who does your hair?”

    (At that moment, my printer begins printing paperwork and I turn around to retrieve it. Suddenly, she leans forward and yanks on my hair.)

    Me: “OW!”

    (She yanks even harder.)

    Lady: “They usually come right out!”

    (I am trying to free my hair from her as she continues to yank.)

    Me: “OW! Ma’am, please, ow, stop. It’s not going to come off! It’s attached to my head!”

    (Thankfully, security shows up and makes her let go. As she’s heading to her boyfriend’s room, she starts ranting.)

    Lady: “HAIR CAN’T GROW THAT LONG!”

    Your Brain Runneth Over

    | Ontario, Canada | Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel

    (I work on the Rideau Canal, a lock system first built just after the war of 1812. In addition to operating the locks, we sell passes and talk about the history and operation of the system. One particularly busy day, a tourist approaches me as we are filling the lock chamber.)

    Tourist: “So, where does all this water come from?”

    Me: “It flows down from Upper Rideau Lake, hence the name of the system.”

    Tourist: “So, it fills all the locks?”

    Me: “That’s right.”

    Tourist: “But what about when you run out?”

    Me: “…Excuse me?”

    Tourist: “Well, look at all that water! That has to be a thousand gallons in this basin alone. You could use up to a million in a day. That’s just wasteful, and the lake will eventually run out!”

    (At this point, 23 boats are waiting to go through, and I don’t have time to explain the water cycle, so I just say the first thing I thought up.)

    Me: “Actually, sir, we have giant buckets at both ends to catch all the water and put it back into the lake every night.”

    Tourist: “Oh, I see! That’s very good of you guys to think of the environment!” *wanders off happily*

    This Sale Has No Future

    | Bensalem, PA, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Time

    (Note: It is a Sunday afternoon.)

    Customer: “How much is a bag of mussels?”

    Me: “They’re $2.99.”

    Customer: “Are they on sale?”

    Me: “Yes, they are.”

    Customer: “How long are they going to be on sale?”

    Me: “They’re on sale until Saturday.”

    Customer: “So, do you mean next Saturday, or yesterday?”

    Liar, Liar, Hand’s On Fire

    | CA, USA | Health & Body, Liars & Scammers

    (Our theme park has designated smoking areas. I have just rounded a corner and see a guest smoking in a non-designated spot near a children’s play area. She spots me quickly and hides the cigarette in her hand.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is a non-smoking area. I can show you to one of our designated smoking areas just a short distance away.”

    Guest: “I wasn’t smoking! That is a very rude accusation to make!”

    (Meanwhile, smoke has been drifting out from between her fingers where she has cupped her hand around the still-lit cigarette.)

    Me: “Then it appears your hand is on fire. I can take you to one of our emergency medical stations. They’re conveniently located next to our designated smoking areas.”

    Guest: *deadpan* “Yes, that’s it. Oh no, my hand! Please show me to medical station!”

    (I lead her towards the medical station. As soon as she sees the smoking area, she peels off without a word and goes there to finish her cigarette.)

    Mother Doesn’t Know Best

    | Kentucky, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Top

    (My mother and I are on a drive to Florida when we stop at a small gas station. A customer and her six- or seven-year-old daughter walk away from the restrooms to the counter.)

    Cashier: “May I help you?”

    Customer: “Your bathrooms are DISGUSTING! Let me talk to a manager! They make me SICK!”

    Cashier: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the manager isn’t in right now. Would you like me to file a complaint?”

    Customer: “No! I want you to clean the GODD*** BATHROOMS!

    (At this point, the little girl is trying to drag her mother away and is telling her to calm down. The cashier is clearly shaken and on the verge of tears.)

    Cashier: *tearing up* “I’m sorry, but that’s not my position, and the janitors aren’t in right now. Is there anything else I can do?”

    Customer: “NO, GODD*** IT! JUST GO CLEAN THE D*** TOIL—”

    (At this point, my mother has had enough and speaks up in defense of the cashier.)

    My Mother: “Look. She has told you she can’t clean it. She has offered solutions. Now use the dirty toilets or you can leave! You don’t have to be such a b****!”

    Customer: *taken aback* “Well, I…I…HMPH!”

    (She storms out, dragging her kid by the arm. After we leave a second later, we see the woman and her little daughter in the parking lot.)

    Customer’s Daughter: “Goodness, Mommy! you didn’t have to be so mean to that lady. She was crying!”

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