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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Wishful Inching

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada |

    (A customer and her husband are ordering our store-made bologna, which is an elongated, flesh-coloured shape.)

    Customer: “I don’t want it sliced. Just cut me a piece about 1 inch long.”

    Husband: “So, about this much.” *holds up two fingers about 4 inches apart*

    (The wife and I both grin.)

    Customer: “That isn’t one inch!”

    Me: “Well, we all know how men like to exaggerate about the size of their meat.”

    Touch Of A Racist

    | Northglenn, CO, USA | Top

    Customer: “Where’s that toaster made? China?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, it’s made in China. Why do ask?”

    Customer: “I knew it! You should be ashamed of yourself, selling dirty merchandise!”

    Me: “Dirty? It’s never been used.”

    Customer: “The orientals touched it. It’s dirty.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m Chinese. I shook your hand when you walked in the door.”

    Customer: “S***!”

    Fish Don’t Need Air And You Don’t Need Water

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I work in the fish department of a pet store. A customer walks up to me with a bag of 3 dead goldfish.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return these fish.”

    Me: “No problem, would you like to replace them?”

    Customer: “No! This the third time I’ve bought fish from you people and they keep dying on me! I want my money back!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Is everything set up properly in your tank?”

    Customer: “Of course it is! I set it up last week. I have the gravel in there and everything!”

    Me: “Do you have a filter running?”

    Customer: “No, they’re too expensive.”

    Me: “How about an air-stone?”

    Customer: “Why would I need an air-stone? Fish breathe underwater.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, but they still require oxygen. An air-stone or filter dissolves oxygen in the water so the fish can absorb it through their gills.”

    Customer: “What kind of idiot are you? Everyone knows fish don’t need oxygen! That’s why they live in the water!”

    (The customer throws the bag of dead fish to the ground and storms off. She’s never come in the store again.)

    How The Cookie Crumbles

    | Hamilton, ON, Canada |

    Customer: “I would like to return these cookies. There are two cookies missing.”

    Me: “Alright, were they stale?”

    Customer: “No, my son just didn’t like them. I have the receipt.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. I cannot refund them.”

    Customer: “But there are two cookies missing!”

    Me: “I realize that, but we cannot resell this product because you have opened them.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand. What is the point of keeping a receipt if you cannot return an item? My son didn’t like them! There are only two missing!”

    Me: “I’m sorry miss, but as a consumer, that is a risk you are willing to take when trying a new product.”

    Customer: “It’s only missing two cookies!”

    (The customer eventually left, albeit begrudgingly.)

    Water Water Everywhere And Not A Drop To Flush

    | UK | Extra Stupid

    (We run a boat which takes 12 people at a time. We have two toilets on board, which is usually enough for no one to have to wait for any period of time.)

    Customer: *flustered and annoyed* “Both toilets are full!”

    Me: “Um, yes.”

    Customer: “But I need to go and both toilets are full!”

    Me: “I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do.”

    Customer: “I need to go!”

    Me: “What do you want me to do? Drag someone out of there?”

    Customer: *mumbles* “But both toilets are full.”


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