Customer: “Excuse me, lifeguard?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “I think there’s a…” *whispers* “…sex toy at the bottom of the pool!”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “A you know…” *whispers again* “vibrator!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s children’s torpedo toy.”

Customer: “Not a vibrator? Oh darn. I really needed one too.”

Customer: “Hi, I’m interested in this ‘wifi’ you’ve got. I want it in my house.”

Me: “Do you have a cable or DSL connection?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Do you have a device hooked up to a phone line or cable line that gives you internet?”

Customer: “Yes, I do. Can you bring me a wifi?”

Me: “Sure miss, we’ve got our routers all over in this area.”

Customer: “Routers? Won’t that scare the wifi away?”

(I’m a new waiter and I’m alone during an afternoon shift when a customer calls.)

Customer: “I’m [name]. I’d like to order my usual for takeaway.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m new. Could you tell me what you would like to order?”

Customer: “My usual.”

Me: “I don’t know what that is, sir.”

Customer: “Just tell the kitchen that it’s for [name]. They’ll know what it is.”

Me: “Okay, but just in case they don’t know, could you tell me what your usual is?”

Customer: “Oh, they’ll know, I’m a regular.”

(He hangs up. Fifteen minutes later a man turns up in the restaurant.)

Customer: “I’m [name]. I ordered my usual over the phone.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, the kitchen staff don’t know what your usual is so they weren’t able to make it.”

Customer: “But I’m a regular! They know who I am.”

Me: “They don’t. They cook whatever we tell them to cook. They never interact with the customers. If you would like to tell me what your usual is I could place your order.”

Customer: “Never mind.”

(Customer leaves. Later, I tell the manager what happened. The manager laughs and says that that particular customer always orders his usual which is whatever dish the staff member chooses for him.)

Customer: “I came in here yesterday and ordered a chai tea and you guys gave me a mocha. That was not what I ordered!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I apologize if somehow they got messed up.”

Customer: “Well, I want some sort of gift card or compensation. I am allergic to caffeine. It could have killed me!”

Me: “You are allergic to caffeine but you ordered a chai tea? You do realize that chai is a black tea and highly caffeinated, right?”

Customer: “I meant chocolate. I am allergic to chocolate!”

(I look down at two chocolate bars in her hand.)

Me: “Really?”

Customer: “Oh f*** you!”

(I’m waiting in line after ordering a cheeseburger. Another customer is being particularly annoying.)

Server: “Your cheeseburger’s ready sir. That’ll be £2.80.”

Me: *handing over money* “Thanks.”

Other customer: “Hey! Why’s he getting his first? We were here first, that’s mine!”

Server: “He ordered a cheeseburger. They’re quicker to make than double bacon burgers. Yours will be done in a minute.”

Other customer: “I want that one! That one is mine!”

(I nod to the server, and they hand the woman the burger.)

Other customer: “This has got cheese in it! And no bacon! Are trying to rip me off?!”

Server: “You said you wanted that one rather than what you ordered.”

Other customer: “This is appalling! I’m going elsewhere. You can’t get your orders in the right order!” *slams cheese burger on van shelf then walks off*

Server, to me: *smiling* “Would you like a free bacon burger with your cheeseburger?”