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    Show But Don’t Tell

    | North Canton, OH, USA | Rude & Risque

    (A female customer, approximately 18 years old, is asking a coworker of mine about our bikinis.)

    Customer: “Do you guys, like, carry any bikini bottoms in white?”

    Me: “I don’t think we have any. Not a lot of stores stock white bikinis.” *chuckling* “After all, you can see right through white fabric when it gets wet!”

    Customer: *completely serious* “Yeah, duh. That’s why I want them!”

    When There’s A Will, There’s No Way

    | Buford, GA, USA | Geography

    Customer: “Could you please tell me where the restrooms are?”

    (I point in the direction of the restrooms.)

    Me: “Yes, sir, it is right there beside the bakery.”

    (The customer points in the opposite direction.)

    Customer: “Beside the chocolate store?”

    (I point again at the restrooms.)

    Me: “No, sir, beside the bakery. Right there.”

    (The customer points in the wrong direction again.)

    Customer: “Over there?”

    Me: “Sir, it is between the food court and the bakery. Right there.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. I got ya.” *walks off in the wrong direction*

    You Have The Right To Remain Drunk

    | Nebraska, USA | Liars & Scammers

    (It’s the end of the night and I’m standing at the front door to make sure no one takes their drinks out of the building, which is illegal in Nebraska. I stop one gentleman on his way out with a beer.)

    Me: “Sorry, sir. You can’t step out with that.”

    Customer: “I think I can.”

    Me: “No, sir, you really can’t.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah?”

    (He pulls out his wallet and shows me a crude fabric badge sewn on to it.)

    Customer: “You’d better let me go and give me my beer before you get your a** in trouble.”

    Me: “So, you’re going to throw me in jail for keeping you from breaking the law?”

    Customer: *belches loudly, vomits a bit on his shirt, and leaves empty handed*

    Dumb Without Shadow Of A Doubt

    | Manchester, UK | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m putting the salad on a customer’s sandwich.)

    Customer: “What’s that black thing on there?”

    (I check to see if I’ve put olives on the sandwich by mistake.)

    Me: “What black thing?”

    Customer: “That big black thing right there!”

    (I check again.)

    Me: “Erm, that’s the shadow of my hand.”

    Customer: “I don’t want that. Take it off!”

    Me: *moves hand*

    Customer: “That’s better.”

    It’s So Fluffy!

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA | Bizarre

    (I work at a hotel doing housekeeping, laundry, and generally other things that need help. As I’m exchanging a guest’s towels, her friend comes out and seems really frustrated.)

    Guest: “Um, do you guys actually wash the pillows here?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I can assure you that all the pillows in here are clean.”

    Guest: “Obviously they’re clean! But do you wash them?”

    Me:  ”Uh…yes, we do.”

    Guest:  ”I knew it! THAT’S WHY THE PILLOWS ARE TOO G** D*** FLUFFY!”

    Me:  ”I’m sorry to hear that you were uncomfortable. Sometimes guests that are more used to things from their house bring their own pillows.”

    Guest: “And why the h*** would I do that?! All you d*** people would just steal it and make it fluffy!”

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